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A Death Approaches
by Cryptic Rapture (Member) - published: August 21, 2004
Word Count: 75 Word Bytes: 619 Viewed: 400 times
Category - Poetry
© Copyright by Cryptic Rapture





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So quietly
approaches a Death
gliding on wind currents
racing speedily towards
its next prey..

Delivering swift
but just punishment
with one fatal strike...

And senseless, the lost one
as the Death laps away humbly
all wounds, flesh, and bone..
till it is nothing
but a forgotten memory..

always reminding
of mortal's destiny

-------

Came to me in the middle of the night.. a bit weird, and not that good, I know.

Please review.


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Comments

The following comments are for "A Death Approaches"
by Cryptic Rapture

Death approaches.
Don't cheapen your work.

Death approaches is cliche. If it's a phrase that sounds familiar, avoid using it. If you like the idea behind the words, resay it.

Swift punishment seems cliche to me as well. It is also not something I can picture; it seems telly because swift punishment has so many different meanings. A bird skimming a lake's surface and suddenly crashing down and snatching a fish up seems like swift punishment to me. So does a beheading.

That's basically my gripe about this piece. It could be more powerful if you simply described a cruel scene from nature with these undertones of punishment and whatever else, rather than simply coming right out with it and leaving nothing for the reader.

That really is the difference between showing and telling. You could say the same thing by carefully choosing your words, being specific, and implying this message without actually saying it. Just my thoughts, take it or leave it.

( Posted by: die_daily [Member] On: August 21, 2004 )

Thanks
I take it. Thanks for the advice. Appreciate it, and will work on doing that with my poems.

( Posted by: Cryptic Rapture [Member] On: September 1, 2004 )

Good Piece
Carry on the good work.

( Posted by: Rakesh [Member] On: January 31, 2005 )





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