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5Viper9

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They say that their different,
but all the same.
Winning is the whole meaning of their game.
At times there can be a nice one, and sometimes a bright one. But im telling you they're all the same. With their fake smiles diceiving gestures,
All they bring is pain.
They can't be stopped enless you know, what horrible things they plan to show. It will make you think twice, and that your old friends aren't so nice. And when they have one they will pull you apart leave you alone and bare. And when you realize what you have done it's to late because we wont be there.

------
~*Abigail*~


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The following comments are for "Them"
by u wont understand

raw
there are some enticing, raw, emotions in here just screaming for structure and proofreading. I'd say you have potential. But I suggest editing your work carefully, and giving it power through form.

I'll keep checking out your work!

( Posted by: Viper9 [Member] On: August 23, 2004 )

Constructive Criticism I Hope
My first impression was that you wrote this in Word or something and when you transferred it to the submit form it didnít keep itís formatting. It has happened to me. Otherwise I found the poem decent. The emotion is there but it is hidden by helter-skelter word choice and rhyming. I suggest revising with particular attention to the flow and meter of the words.

( Posted by: Parker [Member] On: December 5, 2004 )





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