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"Hey, hey, hey, this is the Captain -
"There's gonna be a party tonight, everybody invited, except, of course, 1st & 2nd shift people. Engineering people on hazardous duty 24/7 until further notice, the hold stinks of dilithium something-or-other.
There will be no more sex workouts in the gym, the ship is going unmanned. Sorry, folks, thought it'd work -
Hey, hey, hey, later on today."
"I dunno, I always thought it'd be different, working on a starship. That Captain has no class -"
"That kinda talk is mutiny. Be like the Captain, he's trying to keep a happy ship."
Navigator to Captain: "I've explained to you, over and over, we are not lost. We know where we are, we're right here. As to where everything else is, well..."
Captain to weird, four-eyed monkey: "Watch that little one, he bites. It's not safe here on the bridge, come on over here into the waiting room.
"I can see you haven't spaced much, Ambassador, the bridge is the most dangerous place on a starship. We have no effective day care, so the mothers running the ship have to keep their children with them at work, and some of those kids - well, see this bite mark on my ankle? Watch your step when you're on the bridge.
"Now, what can I do for you, Ambassador?"
"You have extra young?
"Well..."
"We can buy extra young, eat them."
"Well, I'd have to talk it over with the ship's crew, but offhand, I don't see why not -"
"Engineering to Captain"
"Captain speaking."
"Uh..I don't know how to tell you this, but- you remember that pair of Dilithium Doubler Drives we wouldn't let you install last week because we didn't understand them well enough? Well, that stink down in the hold was our old drives going, and so we've installed the Doublers, despite their known fragility, complexity, and inadequate explosion containment. They also require considerablely more compute power, so we had to scrounge some major parts off the Navigation Computer and the Navigator found out about it and he's looking for you, he looks really upset."
"Well, I'm not too upset about it, " the Navigator explains,"it's been so long since I've been on a planet, I wouldn't know what to do if we found one. We don't need to set down on a Planet. Still, we have to have Detection and Collision, so I dismantled the computer from the holodeck and-"
"Oh, my God. Mutiny. They'll go crazy. They'll look for me."
"Ahw, who would do that to you, Captain?"
"The kids off the bridge."
"Oh, yeah, Jez, Captain."
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Vital Signs
