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"Hey Abby whats that on your arms..?" Umm nothing really I just fell. "Oh and those Scratches just magically appeared on your wrist... come on Abby whats up?" Lauren don't freak out but, I have been cutting myself.
Lauren was my bestfriend, the sister I never had. If anything ever happend she would be the first one I would call. I could trust her with anything! But cutting, that was different. It's not that I didn't trust her I was lets see I guess you could say Embaressed. I was afraid of what she might of thought of me, or what she might of done about it. Knowing that her bestfriend cutt herself that would be a scary concept to pounder. Good thing she didn't go ape on me! We talked about it for hours she almost made me think about stopping, but not quite. Since Lauren was such a good friend of mind we did pretty much everything together, she started to and thats what alot of my friends did. As long as I was hurting myself they'd do it to. And thats not how it should of been.
We started in the middle of the year. Started cutting that is. 6th grade wasn't the best year for us im not saying this year is any better but im learing different ways to deal with my porblems. My grades wern't doing as well my parents and I really wern't getting along , actually it was more like my whole family wasn't getting along and that really brought my spirits down. I don't want to say i was depressed because being depressed isn't very common for people at my age but boy, did it sure seem like it. Everyday at school i just wanted to drift away from everyone else and go live in my "Dream World" were no one would bother me. I could just sit there and think for days.People started telling me that i wasn't paying as much attention that i would drift off easy and that when they said hi to me in the hallway at school i would never respound. It wasn't that i didn't want to respound it was i actually didn't hear them. I became so overwelmed with of my everything soon i started loosing expression in my face ( which alot of people did notice since im always making a face) and out of nowhere i might start to cry but not alot i'd stop myslef before anyone else but a friend could see. I only told a few friends but somehow quickly it spread around the school and everyone new. they looked and acted different around me, im pretty sure they all thought I was crazy. " what is this girl doing!". they'd think. and many people actually thought I would be doing this for attention! for attention you must be crazy that is the last thing I need right now.
It was a normal day i got off from the bus put my stuff away and went to down to the commons with lauren and some friends to chill and talk wiht some people. I dreaded through all my classes until halfway throufh 7th hour when Mrs.Goehler our school counseler called me to her office. immediatly when the teacher told me i knew something was goning to happen. i walked to her office and Mrs.Goelher was sitting in her desk waiting for me. when i saw the look and her face i knew was it was about and all i wanted to do was run, run as fast as i could out of her office and all the way home but i couldn't all i could do was sit. she started talking to me asking me how school was going and things like that, and boom she asked the question i hoped she wouldnt ask," Abby are you cutting yourself", i replyed yes. i knew if i said no shed ask to so my arms so there was no way out of this. she asked me what i used, and how to cut myselve weird questions like that. i asked her who told her and she said one of your friends was worried about me so she asked her to speak with me. i was so mad she wouldn't tell me who! and if i ever found out i would beat the living shit out of them. didn't they realize by doing this they were going top ruin my whole life! we started talking and Mrs.Goehler said to me," Abby you might not want to do this but you need to call you mother or father and tell them what you are doing to yourself if they dont know"
I started crying and I could barely talk.I called me dad and told him then I called my mom I desperatly didn't want to do this but i knew I had to. I went home on the bus everyone was confronting me and telling me it was going to be ok but I knew it wasn't. I got home and right when I walked threw the door the phone started ringing off the hook. I answerd a few and they were all the same questions everyone was calling to ask how I was and if i talked to my mom yet. It was so weird because people who never seemed to care before, were taking an interest. my mom didn't come home till 5 minutes after the last phone call. my dad came home early also we had a big family talk and they decided it would be a good idea for me to go into therapy for my problem. I still went to school the next day and I could feel the cold stares looking toward my way. None of the teachers new so class was normal besides all the questions and looks and notes I got. Its so scary how uncomfterable I felt in an enviroment I was so used to. I sat with lauren at lunch and she told me that, that night she got a phone call from Mrs.Goehler and she talked to her mom and lauren was in the same situation as me even though lauren's mom didn't take it as serios as my parents. It's not that she didn't care she just understood. The rest of the day all i wanted to do was slip off into the bathroom with a nice pair of sharp scissors and cut away but I couldn't i knew everyone would be watching me. I also knew things ha deffinetly gotten out of hand.
i got home and followed my normal routine ate a shit load of junk food which now i wish i hadn't my thighs are huge! and got right on the computer to type of a storm with friends, but now the conversations were different they were like who told? are you ok? who ever told im so gonna beat up for you! and what did your arents do? do you need therapy ? and more questions like that. i felt trapt with these annoying and nosey people. i signed off and went into my room slamed the door and sat at my desk. i looked in my pencil jar and realized all my scissors had gone missing. and all my razor blades were pakced under things in mr bathroom drour. i layed down at my bed and blasted the music. Afterwords nothing was the same for a couple months.
I was glad I had so many friends at my side, but sometimes I wish I didn't. I leaded all my friends into cutting its my fault they are doing it.
If only they knew how miserable things are because of it. Everytime it would cross my mind; the blood, the wounds, just the idea of it. The urge would over come me. How could I sucomb to something so hurtful, so addicting...?
That was written last year. I have been sober from cutting for almost 5 months now