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I'm dying inside,
with all my fears.
I'm dying inside,
against my wish.

I used to live in and out of me,
But it's all over now.
I used to reach out for other people's hands when they needed me,
But it's all over now.

I'm dying inside, hiding.
I'm screaming,
But nobody hears me,
Nobody heals me.

I'm showing a fake smile;
I'm hiding a true tear.

Hate poisoned me, Made me sick...
Killed me.

I made a mistake:
I ain't dying,
I'm already dead...

++M a r a R a v i e l a++

T w i S t e D L i + L e G i r L

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The following comments are for "Already dead"
by Maria

Been there, but...
Before I say anything else, I should say that I only comment to writers whom I think have some potential.
Your poem does evoke a certain pathos, but you could do with some more sophisticated verbage. In other words, other words. If I may offer a word of advice, never write of an emotion while experiencing it. If you do so, you do not need to reflect on it, which the reader must do to understand and be affected by it. Also, I see a lot of new poets start out with free verse. This is a mistake. Keep writing the free verse, but for practice, write some formal stuff too, ie. iambic pentameter, rhyming couplets, standard poetry. That will force you to contemplate elaborate diction as well as raw emotionality. Lastly, try not to talk about an emotional experience literally. Does it evoke more emotion to say, "I was tired", or "I felt as dreary as morning dew?" The long and the short of it, complicate your poetry. You were depressed when you wrote this, I can tell, so I will say this.
Depressed people are inherantly brilliant. Do not be afraid to show your brilliance, either in poetry or in life. I'll leave you with this: I make no claims to be an expert, and do not write from a "better than" perspective. However, I have had years of experience, though I still consider myself an ameteur. I have benifited from my experience, and hopefully you can draw from mine.
I truly hope you will not find the criticism I gave you to be harsh, nothing of it. As I say, I criticize only those whom I think have potential. It seems evident enough that you want to continue writing, and if you are like any writer I know, you value honest criticism. I personally hate it when I show a poem to someone and they give it rave reviews. "Oh I love it!" they all say. Some, who generally do will go on to explain why. Those who are just humouring me do not. When I ask them, "Oh really? What did you like about it," they typically do not have an answer. My point there is that, (clearly you know this), while it's always nice to hear that you're the best, (sometimes you genuinely are), such criticism is generally useless. A writer is an epitomy of the proverb: we grow from our mistakes. As a beginning writer, the best advice I can offer you is to learn from your mistakes, and appreciate when people notice them more so than when people do not. Anyway, having said all that, good start, keep it up. Good luck, write back if you want, or look up my email, if I haven't insulted you. If I have, then I need to work on my writing skills because it clearly was not my intent.

( Posted by: sixstrungout [Member] On: August 14, 2004 )

hmm just answering to your comment..
first, no, I did not find it harsh nor I felt ofended or anything of the sort.. =)
I appreciate your comment, and mostly because you said you only comment on people who you think have potential.. so thanks for that..

well.. actually I started writing accidentally =S and I kept doing it.. I'm 15 years old, and I'm not saying that as an excuse.. just because in my school years I have not been thaught poetry.. well.. the definition of "poem", "prose" and stuff like that.. and well.. I must say that I have not investigated anything by myself.. I should, I know.. if I want to keep on writing, that is.. and I want to..

About that "depressed" thing.. I don't remember if I was.. I think I wrote it after being a little depressed... and I agree on the "I ..." part.. I know I always write like that, and believe me.. I've tried not to.. but it's just that I write what I feel.. hmm writing is like an outlet for me.. since I don't trust people, I write.. and yes, I show it to some people.. and I post some poems on websites and everything.. but it's different, you know?
Also.. hmm.. my english is not perfect.. my language is spanish; so I tend to use the same words.. I think I'll read a dictionary o. haha...

I must say I agree 100% on the "useless criticisms".. like 98% of the people that have read my stuff say "ohh!! it's great!!" "very good!!" "I love it!!" and blablablahh... and it IS nice to know that, but of course I'd like constructive criticisms more than that.. but the thing is, I don't know many people that write..

I really appreciate your comment.. a lot.. and thank you =)

oh.. if you know where I could learn more about different styles of poetry and that kind of things, I'd appreciate if you told me.. (e-mail me..


( Posted by: Maria [Member] On: August 15, 2004 )

I Only Have Five Words
Ripe with hate...
Hearts rot

( Posted by: awhippingflame [Member] On: June 17, 2015 )

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