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It's starting again.

I don't know what it is about the wee hours of morning, the ones that still linger lovingly on the last fading moments of the previous night that make me feel this way. Well, not this way specifically, but in the general, airy, disconnected-with-reality sense. It's as though this room, this tiny island of light cast from the computer monitor, is the only thing that exists, and beyond it is an infinity of darkness and void. We float here in nothing, trying desperately to create solid land in our own mind. No tools, no template, just a vague desire. God may have fashioned this universe, but now we need to make our own. My own.

I cannot say with accuracy that it's a meaning of life that I seek. Rather, what I desire is a worthy -search- for a meaning of life. Something to look for, something to work for, some single, burning search to consume me. What I want is a mission. My sleep-deprived brain suggests that I could in the very near future stumble across some epiphany that will then lead me down a twisting path toward some shining destination. And I have never been one to let reality stand in my way.

What is my Holy Grail? Where is my Mecca? Whose legacy will I embrace? I don't know. I don't KNOW. And the uncertainty leaves me stranded in my own self. I feel like without something to tie me down with obsession or, at the very least, unwavering determination, I will simply float unchecked into the sky, to be lost forever.

Oh, the melodrama. Shall I blame adolescence?

High school psychology teaches that mine is an age in which one searches for ones identity. I seem to have foresaken that particular quest in favor of this far more infuriating one. I just want to be a part of something, an integral part. I don't even know what -kind- of something I want to belong to. Universal? Metaphysical? Pan-dimensional? Gods help me, I don't know. All I'm certain of is that this won't be assuaged by some mundane, local social participation.

I want to make ripples in fate.

Maybe this restlessness is a result of having far too much free time. Maybe it's a symptom of budding megalomania. Or, maybe, I should really start keeping a normal sleep schedule.

"You need chaos within, to give birth to a dancing star."
-- Friedrich Nietsche

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The following comments are for "Meaning of Life"
by Jei


( Posted by: mercer102 [Member] On: July 24, 2004 )

carry on, carry on.
I would rather float in the sky most days.

( Posted by: die_daily [Member] On: July 24, 2004 )

Those wee hours are the best. I don't understand the need to find the meaning of life. The whole point of living is to learn, understand and grow. That is the beauty of it. As you're searching you learn and thus fulfilling the "big goal". Keep searching, keep learning and it will all come to a head. You will understand.


( Posted by: AbbyNormal [Member] On: July 24, 2004 )

Ripples in fate...
Agree with claire here, I'm impressed with your honesty. What can I tell you, which smart advice can I come up with(That's not already mentioned)? Not much. Except try to stay away from pcs and tvs for a while..maybe that would change your feeling that "beyond it is an infinity of darkness and void." ... Liked your rant, keep smiling!

( Posted by: DrKilldare [Member] On: July 24, 2004 )

Is that me?
Did I write this under a pseudonym? Cuz this is all me!

I'm guessing from the high school reference that you are still there. I'm ten years past graduation and I'm still trying to figure it out.

"What I want is a mission...I feel like without something to tie me down with obsession or, at the very least, unwavering determination, I will simply float unchecked into the sky, to be lost forever." Wow, and I thought I was the only one.

I have begun to suspect, like Dr.Killdare seems to suggest, that television and the Internet are largely responsible for this feeling that I MUST be destined for something.

Or maybe it's the lack of sleep. I dunno. I don't have any pearls of wisdom. I can only offer the comfort that you aren't alone.

My only advice, which is the "uh, duh!" brand of adivce, is to keep writing.

Maybe that's Mecca.

( Posted by: Shel [Member] On: July 24, 2004 )

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