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10Myth
10Untouchable

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Such a sad thing,
This unhappy relapse.
This break from reality.
The never ending line.

The start to the morning
with an injection.
The end of the day with a smoke.
In the end you take what you can get.

My pale complexion,
The circles under my eyes
like lonely moons.
I forget today.

This hollow shell where
my life once was,
Now a place to store my addiction.

Who I am,
Is who I fear.
The lone junky,
with a heartless need.



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Comments

The following comments are for "These fears I have."
by DEMONeyesBLUE

LIKE LONELY MOONS.
"My pale complexion,
The circles under my eyes
like lonely moons.
I forget today." You have used cautious similie and the effect is fantastic. And an added impression is in the last line. Very poetic, from heart's core.

( Posted by: Myth [Member] On: July 21, 2004 )

Addiction
I really enjoyed you poem "These fears I have". i enjoyed the wording and i know where you come from! well if you havent read it already you might enjoy the one i wrote.

http://www.lit.org/view/15746

-coon

( Posted by: JWC [Member] On: July 21, 2004 )

Good title
and good poem. Important questions raised, there's a lot of junkies around my house, so I know what you're talking about. Don't think they'll end the day with a smoke, though!

( Posted by: DrKilldare [Member] On: July 21, 2004 )

shakin in my socks
...Tom, you're scaring me! Either we have all read it wrong, or we need to talk?!

( Posted by: reign [Member] On: July 21, 2004 )

fears.
Hello.

I didn't like this poem.

Goodbye.

( Posted by: die_daily [Member] On: July 22, 2004 )

Mr. die daily
Whats wrong with my poem?

( Posted by: DEMONeyesBLUE [Member] On: July 22, 2004 )

You asked for it.
[b]Such a sad thing,
This unhappy relapse.[/b]

The repetition of sad/unhappiness is unnecessary. There are certain words that should be on everyone's not-to-use-in-a-poem-ever list (until you know what you're doing) and sad/unhappy should be in there.

Sad means so many different things to people that the word is effectively drained of all it's power. I didn't come to this poem to co-write it with you; it's your job to be specific and communicate your intentions.

Reality should be on everyone's do-not-touch list as well.

The start to the morning/with an injection./The end of the day with a smoke.

This is good. Unfortunately, what follows is a cliche line.

Hollow shell should be on everyone's do-not-touch list as well. Teenagers these days--they all insist they're hollow on the inside. It's amusing.

The ending leaves me flat-line. Lukewarm. Vanilla. The poem wallows, in my opinion.

I never quite understood what "show, not tell" meant until someone illustrated it as the difference between saying something is sad or tragic and taking a reader on a ride and describing a Heroin overdose about five minutes after the fact. One's much more powerful than the other, ya dig?

( Posted by: die_daily [Member] On: July 22, 2004 )

Fears
The message you want to impart here is in fact profound and heartfelt. I especially like the part where you say 'heartless need', there's an element of awareness but it's being fought by inevitability. I like this and I got the message.

( Posted by: peterpaulino [Member] On: July 22, 2004 )

not really no
i didnt ask you to co write my poem, I asked a question and you but dang man do you have to be such an ass?

( Posted by: DEMONeyesBLUE [Member] On: July 22, 2004 )


my fault I can't type i meant to say u answered but u were an ass.

( Posted by: DEMONeyesBLUE [Member] On: July 22, 2004 )

.
Your poem is great. What a said earlier is all a lie.

( Posted by: die_daily [Member] On: July 22, 2004 )

thanks ur a nice guy
smart ass

( Posted by: DEMONeyesBLUE [Member] On: July 22, 2004 )


I liked this poem, it reminded me of a really hard time I once had. keep it up.

( Posted by: Untouchable [Member] On: July 22, 2004 )

such a "sad" thought...
Sad...clearly defined as: the attempt to put down someones creativity without correct knowledge or understanding; Example: A jackass telling someone what thier "job" is, when he does not realize that this is a site for aspiring writers,and creative thinkers. So *uck off...d*ck..
~and Tom isnt an addict..JOY!

( Posted by: reign [Member] On: July 22, 2004 )

ok.
Since you're looking up definitions, have a glance at personal attack. I was asked for my opinion and gave it. Don't insult me, please, I would hate to have this brought to Crowe's (the editor) attention.

Learn how to take criticism, please. Thanks.

( Posted by: die_daily [Member] On: July 22, 2004 )





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