Lucky Night
by Bartleby (Member) - published: July 7, 2004
Word Count: 534 Word Bytes: 3226 Viewed: 3024 times
Category - The Write Off
© Copyright by Bartleby

8.65

(26 votes)

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9	arc

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9	EverybodyElsesG..

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9	hazelfaern

9	Idomis

9	ivordavies

9	JEANNIE45

1	Judi1

10	Malthis

9	nae411

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10	Penelope

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9	simone183

9	snuffystuff

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It was Ted‘s lucky night. He’d been trolling this bar for almost a month, and had never even gotten a nibble. He’d bought drinks for countless women, who always rebuffed him with false excuses and contempt in their eyes. Tonight was different, the gods of black light and techno had seen fit to smile upon him.

Most men would have called her cute, but to Ted she was stunning. If Doctor Frankenstein had engineered a girl to his exact specifications, this girl would have been the result. The idiosyncratic features that he found so attractive were all present; the slightly crooked smile, the spray of freckles on the bridge of her nose, the scuffed knees and chipped fingernail polish. He half expected to wake up, tangled in sweaty sheets. But this was no dream. She was real, on the next stool, smiling.

They made small talk over a few beers. When he asked for her number, she said she'd give it to him after he walked her home. He could read between the lines. He'd fantasized about this since he was fourteen.

On the walk to her place, they held hands. She had insisted on walking rather than letting him drive. Her fingers were small and delicate, but her grip was firm, almost insistent. In a burst of foolish honesty, Ted mentioned what a rough time he normally had meeting women. She leaned into him and whispered.

"I like it rough."

Speechless, he remained silent, afraid some banality would slip past his lips, ruining the moment. She didn't seem to mind his silence, making conversation until they arrived.

The apartment was spartan. It’s walls were bare but for a single portrait done in oil paints. Ted stopped to admire it. Although a bit indistinct, her portrait, merely beautiful by day, took life from the night and all of her features sprang from cold to warm.

“This is exquisite. Who painted it?” he inquired.

"A former lover," was her offhanded reply.

She wasn’t interested in small talk anymore. The beginnings of a storm rumbled overhead as she slipped out of her clothes and motioned for him to join her. Ted wasted no time. She hadn't been lying earlier. She allowed him control for only a moment before taking over. The storm intensified, drawing it's cue from the fevered tempo of her body over his. Her eyes seemed to fix on the cubbies where spiders wandered by day, but now were highlighted in the shadows cast by sporadic lightning. She seemed distracted, but Ted didn't care. The exquisite sensations coupled with the sight of her erased any questions about her ferocity. Feeling his climax approaching Ted closed his eyes.

The door creaked open. Ted peered through heavy eyes and saw a strikingly handsome man in a rain splattered coat watching them.

Ted tried to force her off. The sight of his hands now shrunken and withered stole the words from his lips. She smiled evilly from her place over him, her eyes glowing a sickly yellow as she continued to writhe. Her charade at an end, her features began to melt into something monstrous.

Ted’s release swept through him with a scream, as he promptly died.

------
Smile if you're stupid,
laugh if you understand.

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Comments

The following comments are for "Lucky Night"
by Bartleby

Well done.
I very much enjoyed this piece. Although, for some reason the story didn't grip me as well as others of your pieces. I can't quite put my finger on why. But this was very well written, and a very enjoyable read! Thank you.

( Posted by: EverybodyElsesGirl [Member] On: July 7, 2004 )

luck be a lady?
That was a fun read. You are all too good. This hard.

( Posted by: arc [Member] On: July 8, 2004 )

great story
Wow, this is a really good story. It's hard to pick from these entries.

Susan

( Posted by: simone183 [Member] On: July 8, 2004 )

elemental thrill
Horror to the bone! I find this story very indulging and I wish for more of this.

( Posted by: Idomis [Member] On: July 8, 2004 )

Creepy.
Bart,

I've always enjoyed your writing, especially when you're writing with a horror theme like this one.

When I read those starter sentences, I have to say that my first thought was "Bart's going to win this one" - they seemed just right for your style.

And your story was every bit as dark as I was expecting. It was very well written. But somehow, even though it was the longest of the four (what happened to max 500 words?! ;-)), it seemed to have a lot less to it than the others. The writing just didn't seem as tight as I've come to expect from you.

Don't get me wrong: it was still good (I would definitely say it was better than mine)... but Jess was a worthy winner this time.

Thank you for an enjoyable contest. :)

( Posted by: Spudley [Member] On: July 10, 2004 )

Lucky Night
Who are these people? What part of the Earth are they taking up space? Check the context for truth.Then you might be believed.

( Posted by: Judi1 [Member] On: July 10, 2004 )

Judi1
Judi~

To answer your comment... These people are fictional and do not take up aby space on earth. I'd thought the obvious horror references in the piece, including the succubus would make this obvious. As far as the context goes, the only context that matters is that of the story and I would venture that most people on the site did not find the context of this bit of flash fiction as obviously objectionable as you did. As for belief, I would say that the standing rating of a 9 from the esteemed writers who have bothered to rate and comment on this piece, before your obvious drive by rating is proof enough that someone believes in both my writing chops and this story in specific.

I thank you for the time taken to read and respond to this small section of my work. If it offended your sensibilities, I would reccomend you steer clear of my work in the future.

Just to be safe, mind you.

Bart

( Posted by: Bartleby [Member] On: July 10, 2004 )

LitOrg Thank you Staff
Bart.

I hadn't intended to comment on your story, as everyone had said it all and I follow the comments with interest. I gave it a nine only because I needed to seperate it from the one I thought pipped you all to the post, I enjoyed it and thought you wove a fantastic web.

So why did I comment, I was somewhat suprised by a comment you received. I check out the work of everyone who comments on mine, usually before replying in order to try to understand better the meaning of the comments, I also do this if comments on another author puzzle me.

This one still has me puzzled, if you read a posted article called 'The Toy Box' (view 14775) you may understand my confusion. Although not as compelling as yours, this article deals with the fictional story of demons!

This author also self-rated 'Provmented' (view 11225) a 10, I can therefore not understand why the same person rated your excellent work a 1.

I feel at a time when a lot of discusion is going on in the poetry section about the way we should critique work, that I must point out most of us are genuine in our views. I really liked your piece, as I did all the ones in the write off. And my greatest admiration for ALL the staff of Lit Org.

Thank you,

Ivor

( Posted by: ivordavies [Member] On: July 11, 2004 )

Bad Luck!
Evidently poor ted never listened to his momma...if it's too good to be true...it usually is!

I must say though, I couldn't help but be a little smug about turn about being fair play...it's usually the woman who is the victim!
Hurray for our side!

I really enjoyed this Bart...good show!

( Posted by: Beatrice Boyle [Member] On: July 11, 2004 )

found wanting
This story came out of the chute very well, but the ending left me wanting much more. The idea of dying during orgasm is always a nice touch, but the ending was too abrupt. Getting an idea of who the guy in the shadows was could have helped, or added description of the femme fatale. I don't know what to suggest, because you are a fine writer; just that the ending was rough.

( Posted by: brickhouse [Member] On: July 11, 2004 )

Well told
I'll choose this as my winner, mainly because of its accessable and clear writing. Talent and experience show here. The story is good too, if not original. But the pick-up was well done, the emphasis on all the 'idiosyncratic features' seemed important to me.
I wish more had been made out of the picture. Right now it's a side-bar item. Perhaps like Dorian Gray she did not change, but the picture did at the time of vampirism, her true form in the picture...the body a mere shell. I did like the handsome stranger very much, and I loved that we never knew who he was, in dissagreement with brickhouse.

( Posted by: Malthis [Member] On: July 11, 2004 )

Late Critique: Bart
Bart, I thought that of all the entries given, yours seemed to contain the most raw promise. The details you bring to your story are fantastic -- her freckled nose and chipped nail polish, the watcher in the rain splattered coat, her eyes melting into something yellow and monstrous.

Yet you also seemed to have the most awkward structure. To my mind, this seems due to a sense of detail given to parts of the story which are not significant. Sure, the passage on the oil painting was done well, but somehow, it seems to detract from the conclusion which strikes me as rather unpolished. The final sentence struck me as a kind of severe let down. I've been mulling it over for a week, now, and am still uncertain as to why that last sentence is so unsatisfying. My best guess, is that it's the "promptly" in "he promptly died" which strikes me as overly droll and tidy where the rest of the piece seems to be attemting to arouse in the reader a sense of lingering horror.

I think that if less narrative focus had been placed on his realization of his dream girl perfected in the bar and the passage with the oil painting, and more focus had been placed on the description of the street scene surrounding her confession and the concluding portion, especially the final sentence, your entry would have read as the undisputed phenomenon it might have been. As it stands, I've rated this a 9 for an attempt which almost left me lingering in a sense of dull unease.

( Posted by: hazelfaern [Member] On: July 13, 2004 )

^^
heehe...I must be sick because I found that really funny. I have this vision of a sucubus. intersting. I thinkt the writing style was good. It didn't pop out screaming, but the story made up for that. Its a sweet irony.^^

( Posted by: snuffystuff [Member] On: July 13, 2004 )

Sorry I Seen...
It coming from the beginning...

But the story was quite quite good...

Somebody was leaving this world and the girl wasn't on the list, from your description of her...

I enjoyed your visuals and the great audience capture... (as in "DON'T GO IN THERE STUPID IT'S A TRAP")...

( Posted by: daprdan [Member] On: July 14, 2004 )

creepy-licious
I really have no other word to describe this piece than creepy-licious. It's weird as hell, kinda creepy, and...well...just a little bit tasty. I have one small beef, though...the last line. It feels awkward to me, really. 'Ted’s release swept through him with a scream, as he promptly died.' I thought there might have been a bit more (I suppose this is the best word) elaborate way to describe his death. You had all of this poetic prose leading up to it, and then 'he promptly died.' Meh. Great piece, overall, that's just my two and a half cents worth.

( Posted by: the Co.konspirator [Member] On: July 22, 2004 )

Nice piece
I really like this work. It was creepy and well written. I would love it if you could take some time to try and read one of my feeble pieces. Especially this one that is my prologue to a much larger story that i am far along with. Again, wonderful bit of writing, and hopefully you can apply some of that talent and help out a young writer such as myself.

( Posted by: Fantasycrafter [Member] On: July 24, 2004 )

What's with the guy?
The most intruiging part of this story was the man in the doorway. Was he the former lover mentioned earlier?
I thought he was a neat little hook in what could have been a fairly predictable little story. His presence really made the story, for me.

( Posted by: MacLaren [Member] On: August 17, 2004 )

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