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this poem is dedicated to a juvenile, beloved (yet not so close) friend who passed away a few days ago...i avoided using her real name
----------------------------------------
Don't cry,
For Mary lies safely in heaven, an angel she's become,

Don't cry,
For every tear you weep makes her feel so guilty, so numb,

Be happy,
She wants you all to know that with the angels she shall be,

No worries,
She's out of harm's way, so secure, above the clouds, in glee

Don't doubt that,
With god she'll be so much happier, she's lucky to have left this place

With you she exists,
Her delicate soul in your heart, we'll always remember her pretty face.
---------------------------------------
I sent this poem to her parents and friends, hope it helped them in any way


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Comments

The following comments are for "Mary"
by seniorme

Mary
Moet,

I nearly didn't comment on this piece, and that would have been wrong. The complete change in the style you use in this piece is good and it fits well.

Now I am going to give a personal opinion and I would not like you to take this the wrong way. Your grasp on life for one so young (this is relevant of course) is amazing. The fact you comment on most of my work, I love, I can learn a lot from this.

Your enthusiism, is outstanding and although unintentionally, I feel that at times this can take me off guard, not in the critique of my verse, but in some of the ways you say things. Don't get me wrong... I love it, you are open and honest.

But to give an example, at the end of this piece you say you sent it to her parents and friends and you hoped it helped. I know it probably did and I commend you, but the poem is poweful:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Don't cry,
For every tear you weep makes her feel so guilty, so numb,
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
No worries,
She's out of harm's way, so secure, above the clouds, in glee
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Don't doubt that,
With god she'll be so much happier, she's lucky to have left this place
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
To be honest if I had recieved this after the loss of my daughter I would have been devastated.

I know that your intentions are honest and open, but poetry is a powerful medium and we who write it have a responsibilty, I am aware that English is not your first language and my admiration for your work is even stronger for that!

I do not intend to put you off commenting or critiquing as I rspect your views, but feel it is only correct for me to let you know how sometimes your words can be taken.

Finally, I do enjoy your work, you seem to get better every post and feel free to 'rip my work to pieces' whenever you wish, so long as it is to help me improve my writing, as indeed this obsevation has been sincerley offered to help you.


Ivor

( Posted by: ivordavies [Member] On: July 4, 2004 )

how sad
I am saddened by this piece, but it's honesty is quite striking. You are right in how we should accept death, but it is easier said than done. Keep it up.

( Posted by: Serendipity [Member] On: July 4, 2004 )

ivor
you mean i commented on one of your pieces in an Inappropriate manner? or you thought that sending it to her parents was not such a great idea?? you totally lost me in your last comment, i had no idea what you were talking about, but i would really like to know. as for sending it to her parents; i've never had anyone of my family who'd passed away, but i put myself in that position, and i read the poem over before sending it, i just thought that at a vulnerable time like that they are currently in, they would like to be reminded that their daughter is safe and stuff like that. maybe i was wrong, maybe you'd get this more than i did because you've faced similar circumstances.

( Posted by: seniorme [Member] On: July 5, 2004 )

Moet....Comments,
Moet,

I have never had an inapropriate comment from you, if anything I feel, at times, I am over critical of your work. This is because I think you have talent and am keen to give whatever help I may and I do try to be careful what I say.

It is this very talent that makes me ask you to review your work, especially comments, and try to think how the reciprient will take it. In a recent comment, about a comment, for instance you casually said "is this some weird American expression". Only a little thing, but one an American could have taken offence at!

I sound like I am nit picking, and I probably am, but your poetry is so powerful it will affect people greatly. I am just saying when you have an advantage of this magnitude it is your responsibility to use it wisely.

Yes, I did feel that this poem was good, but let me amplify my meanings:

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Don't cry,
For every tear you weep makes her feel so guilty, so numb,

(What after losing my daughter I am still giving her pain, there is already no purpose in my life, the very thought of this could kill me!)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
No worries,
She's out of harm's way, so secure, above the clouds, in glee

(Out of harms way, was it not my responsibility as her parent to protect her...I have failed. Now in glee...she must have hated us and sees her departure as a blessing!}
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Don't doubt that,
With god she'll be so much happier, she's lucky to have left this place

(Much happier, lucky to have left us, I think I'll put the rest of my kid's in care to protect them!)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Moet,

I am overstressing this, and I know you are honest and straight forward, so I have given you the explanation you asked for...I hope I have not lost a talented friend.

It's just that I am very conscious of the power of the pen. Just recently there has been a lot of discusion about how strong comments should be and maybe I have overstepped the mark on this occasion. If you feel so, I apologise sincerely and hope it does not dampen your inspiration.

Have Fun

Ivor

( Posted by: ivordavies [Member] On: July 5, 2004 )

ivor
Not at all. I love hearing those kinds of comments. And yes I do admit that it was extremely stupid to say "some weird American expression", but the poem itself was kind of kinky, or that's the thought that hit me cause I didn't really get it at first. So I'm really sorry if anyone was offended by this. And about the poem, the girl had an illness that they refused to tell us about cause we were all in a camp and I think they didn't want us to kind of stay away from her and stuff. So they knew it was fatal, they wrote it in the letter that was sent to us after her death (the illness part, not the part about staying away from her). Yes the poem might have been too strong for the parents to read. But the message I gave in this poem was, don't cry, the girl is in good hands, there's no better place on earth than where she is right now. She is happy; she doesn't want you to cry. But then again, I can get a bit na´ve at times; I just thought it would be a nice thing to do. Thanks for the comment, always enjoyed reading them and replying, hope no offence was taken.
The great big green ogre
P.S: i didn't mean "she's lucky to have left this place" as in her family and home, I meant the world as a whole, there's nowhere better than to be with god in heaven.

( Posted by: seniorme [Member] On: July 5, 2004 )





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