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Wispy fog made a writhing sea of blackness in the midnight hours of Bayeor. The Island City of the Lake Elves lay still, but for the muffled boot-falls of the city watch. Never had the watch so much as raised an alarm, though not for lack of thieves.
The other races which made home the southern continent seemed to glare hungrily at Bayeor, as a pauper at a kingís crown jewels. The Lake Elves called all elves not of their kind Otherelven, A term they viewed as not offensive, yet not inclusive. Though the lake-locked city was not as rich as even the Humanís fine kingdom of Murkadia, the humans, dwarves, and otherelven races were convinced that every home within its wave-polished and moss-slicked walls held heaps of pearls and other finery. The result of these delusions was a very alert, deadly, and efficient killing force with no tolerance for outsiders.
Palland knew that his magical abilities were enough to keep him cloaked, if he was able to stay focused. As powerful as the arcmage was, it was extremely taxing to hide his body heat and mask his passage through the fog while stifling even the whisper of his bare feet on the flagstone street. Garbed only in tight-fitting black silk breeches and numerous tattooed runes, his lithe, tightly muscled elven form nearly thrummed with power and seemed on the verge of exploding.
Twice already the watch had marched by, within three paces of the cloaked intruder, without so much as a glance. Now it was time to sprint. Two years the mage had spent training his body. The many runes adorning his


The following comments are for "Tell Me If I'm Wasting My Time"
by daltval1

Cliche, and info
I am assuming that the title of your story is a request for a review, and since no one reviews mine work (which frustrates me greatly) I will review yours.
Some things you want to stay away from when writing are cliches1. Unfortunatley Elves are a giagantic cliche`, especially if you plan to make them Tolkien like elves. It has just been done far to often, and far to well to make it worth anyones time to read.
Secondly you when you are writing something, you don't want to feed your readers too much new information to quickly. In your small excerpt that I imagine is from something a bit longer (or will be) you introduce at least six or seven things that are unfamilar, or too wide in context.
Don't let a review like this discourage you, the harshes ones are the best. If someone points out things you need to work on it is so much better then someone who avoids the issues and gives you a false sense of security. Keep at it.

( Posted by: SoulShade [Member] On: July 3, 2004 )

I don't know if you have ever read the Death Gate Cycle. This reminded me so much of that series of books I could not concentrate on your story. They were written by Weiss and Hickman, take a look, what really reminded me was the runes covering the skin.

Even in Tolkiens' day the subject had already been greatly covered, what made his books so more popular years later then when he originally published them was it became recognised as one of the great original pieces of it's genre.

I have tried myslef to write a story of Elves, magic and other races from myth. But I could not get a sense of what I was adding myself, my unique perspective. I always found myself thinking of other writers and then just re-writing what had already been said.

My thoughts are to really let their race be a side issue, really think about who they are as people and the facets of their personality, rather than a representation.

I hope this makes sense, fantasy is an amazing genre which I think requires more thought than I can sometimes muster.

Keep writing!

( Posted by: londongrey [Member] On: July 4, 2004 )

Too short.
I need more if you really want an opinion on whether you should keep going. It's not without promise, it just sounds a bit generic at the moment. Keep it up, I'll come back and have another look, and we'll talk more.

( Posted by: MacLaren [Member] On: July 5, 2004 )

I need more info on the story. I wanted to turn the page.

( Posted by: piscesw [Member] On: July 9, 2004 )

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