Trace Evidence of You
by hazelfaern (Member) - published: June 28, 2004
Word Count: 220 Word Bytes: 1466 Viewed: 1621 times
Category - The Write Off
© Copyright by hazelfaern

9.16

(30 votes)

Rating	Rated by

9	AmericanGod

9	andyhavens

9	arc

10	Bartleby

10	catlesfemme

9	chapter1

9	Clairesbest

9	daprdan

8	Elphaba

10	EverybodyElsesG..

8	forgottensoul

10	Gordon

10	JEANNIE45

9	Jessicanm

9	londongrey

10	madjackbyron

10	nae411

10	nauticus66

10	Penelope

8	PETERPAULINO

9	pooky28

9	rcallaci

9	Schaard

10	Searching4Ever

10	seniorme

9	Spudley

7	tap5000

7	Teflon

10	The Alienist

9	windchime

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Clearer than the reasons why we take or let
it curls like a subtle wavelet, this ringlet
across the other pillow, in the fresh dent
where your head lay – a casual fragment
of what washed up beside me in the night

Your body, now gone, a stolen mystery
(did you rise like Lazarus, triumphantly?)
left proof of passing in slight sensory
traces: damp, scent, a mundane history
of what bodies do in dream’s dark light

Dawn betrays the tortured rest you wrent
not just in this small token, unwittingly lent
slender follicle loosened from off your crest
but here, in their furrows, sheets speak conquest
of all you sought to quench in burrowing

I could follow your thoughts along these lines
through the shape of the pillow’s pantomime:
how your weary head would not disturb mine
so even in your stealing there is no crime
only a rummage for tenderness borrowing

And if I gave sustenance without thinking
a communion of presence from within sinking
consciousness, can I blame you for taking
if briefly, a place in this bed of our making?
Debts demand payment, you rose before light
in your brusk stay and departure there is no slight
no matter for justice, only love needs some sight
more than trace evidence of your needs in the night

------
"All the darkness in the world
cannot put out the light
of one candle"

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Comments

The following comments are for "Trace Evidence of You"
by hazelfaern

pillow's pantomime
It took some sleuthing to try and figure out what the given topic was. You both took off in remarkably different tangents but that's the beauty of the write off. Rhyme sequence followed true until the final stanza which delivered the ending with aplomb. This write off is going to be very close because both are exceptional entries. After reading both, more than twice :-) , I'm choosing this one as the better of the two. This was the closest I have ever come to awarding 10 to both poems.

( Posted by: Penelope [Member] On: June 28, 2004 )

It was going to be needle
Hazel when Bart told me the topic for this write off my first thought was a strand of hair on a pillow (Bart was going to send out 'needle' but I came up with too many easy ideas to work that into a piece so he decided to make it a little harder. You can thank me later). I love the fact that you had something of the same idea and did such a bang up job with it.

Clearly the winner in my book and still I'm impressed with how easy you make it look to come up with a solid poem on whatever your subject matter.

Good, good stuff.

~Jessica

( Posted by: Jessicanm [Member] On: June 28, 2004 )

Trace
The form is great, but it didn't capture me, really. I just didn't feel much of anything when reading this, and that's what I expect of what little poetry I read, so I'm giving my edge to Rogan this time.

( Posted by: Elphaba [Member] On: June 28, 2004 )

Very well done
I am continuously in awe of not only the mastery of vocabulary that you have, but the way in which you place the words in connection with each other. Thanks for the read, and the continuing challenge to make better use of my vocabulary.

I am very much a fan of how you worked with the topic. Very well done.

( Posted by: EverybodyElsesGirl [Member] On: June 28, 2004 )

opposite tracks
Two poets of the highest class competing, with two absolutely top drawer poems. Well done to both.

Having read both through several times, I'm struck by how different they are - which is unusual for a write off.

I thought this one started a bit slowly, but you really did finish it in style. Conversely Rogan's started well, but I wasn't so keen on the ending.

Well, I have put a lot of thought into scoring, and I honestly can't seperate them. Both have truly spectacular moments, but neither had the edge all the way though. I'm scoring both 9/10.

( Posted by: Spudley [Member] On: June 28, 2004 )

Hazel
Well read people make good writers, agreeing with your use of your vocabulary, Grammar, etc. It is refreshing to read a correct piece, at least I found no errors, but in poetry some errors are intentional for an affect. This is great Hazel. Keep up the great work. Peace!!!

( Posted by: catlesfemme [Member] On: June 28, 2004 )

a beautiful job
Hazel..no need to be a convert, I'm already a fan...a beautiful job!

Claire

( Posted by: clairesbest [Member] On: June 28, 2004 )

Evidence
Hazel, I chose Rogan over you in this write-off. Please go to his comment from me, which I won't repeat here, but which will explain my decision, along with the following: I could not react to your poem in the same way and to the same degree as I could to Rogan's. Yours lends itself to response through reflection more, and thus, gives access to the essence-of-the-poem/essence-of-the-poet in parcels, rather than as one single bite... When choosing between absolutism and relativity, I choose absolutism: it is a more immediate way to savour complexity. I have to say I'm partial to your rhyme scheme. One thing I will repeat, from Rogan's comment: neither of you deserves to be tied with the other.

( Posted by: windchime [Member] On: June 29, 2004 )

Great read
I was entranced with this piece from the beginning. It displays a style and mastery of the language that are modern rarities. I know this poem should win; but if it doesn't, it's merely because it's complexity will leave some readers scratching their head. I, however, loved it.

( Posted by: passenger7 [Member] On: June 29, 2004 )

Hair raising
For me this was just the better of two very good poems.
But just by a hairs breadth.
Oh that is such a bad pun.
Hazelfaern you got the win from me because in the end i felt your work was the better read and held more substance for me.

( Posted by: Gordon [Member] On: June 29, 2004 )

Powerful...
...eloquent... for some reason I want to say 'timeless', because it reads like some classic from the 19th century with a touch of the modern.

It's almost like a classic pastoral elegy but with much more energy, latent.

Good stuff.

( Posted by: The Alienist [Member] On: June 29, 2004 )

lovely
You are a joy to read. You write with grace and your use of the language is quite beautiful. This was a hard choice but I'm a sucker for humor and punchlines.You are a refined intellectual while rogan is a raw one. I always liked my steaks on the raw side. Beautiful and moving poetry.

warmest regards,
bob

( Posted by: rcallaci [Moderator] On: June 30, 2004 )

trace evidence..
like the other poet your poem was well written and all. both of you seem to enjoy using big words wich have alot of meaning to impress. it's my first time reading your poetry and i really liked the quote by ruskin that you pasted at the end.

( Posted by: seniorme [Member] On: June 30, 2004 )

Trace of evidence
It took me two days to make a decision on this. Had to keep going back and forth. Each poem is so different. But at the end you captured it for me. Great write!

Nae

( Posted by: nae411 [Moderator] On: July 1, 2004 )

HAZELFAERN
The truth is I admire your writing, H. To compliment on both works first, let me use an analogy with regards to their respective beauty: your piece is a CLASSIC, Rogan's is POP-JAZZ.

But I chose Rogan's entry over yours for the following reasons:
1. Title.
2. His twist in the last stanza appealed to me.
3. Though I enjoyed reading both, I enjoyed his writing more.

Thanks Hazelfaern.

( Posted by: PETERPAULINO [Member] On: July 1, 2004 )

Hazelfaern...
While I really like your style, rhythm, and the rhyhme... and the content is very good... I chose Rogan for his brevity, levity, and unabashed turn of events ending... His just lit my fire...

( Posted by: daprdan [Member] On: July 2, 2004 )

Smooth
I must say this was a smooth read, nothing to mar my journey from start to finish. The inspectors attention to the details of the bed from hair to the lay of wrinkles in the sheets but oh so poetically done. Astounding!

( Posted by: nauticus66 [Member] On: July 2, 2004 )

Could have bee a 9..
but I did not like the Lazarus part. Mainly because of your use of "Lazarus" instead of Christ. Lazarus did not do anything to be resurrected, ergo, not making the characters as strong as one would hope.

( Posted by: forgottensoul [Member] On: July 2, 2004 )

exquisitely crafted
Hazel~

As always I'm overawed by your word choice and the intricacy of your poetry. I knew this Write Off would be spectacular and I wasn't dissappointed. I chose to give a somewhat more difficult topic and was well rewarded by both of you. Thanks for taking part, I hope to see your name on the Write Off banner again.

And as if you hadn't noticed I'm giving you the edge on this one.

Bart

( Posted by: Bartleby [Member] On: July 2, 2004 )

mime-a-rhyme
The content is excellent, a bit more classy than the Trichotillomania, which is carried elegantly by its conciseness; even though the punch line there is rougher, it does arrive. In this work, the punch line is a hint. Maybe I am reading in too much. But this work is only one point below the hair piece, all pun intended.
The rhyme should tell more. Looking forward to read more of this stuff.

( Posted by: teflon [Member] On: July 4, 2004 )

trace evidence
You are very good. WOW. This piece just maintained my interest like a puzzle or a good book.

( Posted by: arc [Member] On: July 5, 2004 )

Worried
Hazel I do get worried sometimes about peoples responses, the good thing about works from the 19th Century is that they are timeless and are still enjoyed today, oh well!!! *confused*

Anyway this piece is what I like to settle down and read in the evening. The vocabulary was wide and kept the subject interesting and alive.

*you have a new fan*

Alex

( Posted by: londongrey [Member] On: July 6, 2004 )

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