Trichotillomania
by Rogan (Member) - published: June 28, 2004
Word Count: 134 Word Bytes: 842 Viewed: 3033 times
Category - The Write Off
© Copyright by Rogan

8.8

(30 votes)

Rating	Rated by

8	andyhavens

8	arc

9	Bartleby

9	catlesfemme

8	chughes

8	Clairesbest

9	Cynical_Scribe

10	daprdan

9	Elphaba

9	EverybodyElsesG..

6	forgottensoul

9	Gordon

10	JEANNIE45

8	Jessicanm

10	londongrey

8	MacLaren

9	nae411

9	Penelope

10	PETERPAULINO

10	pooky28

10	rcallaci

8	Schaard

8	Searching4Ever

10	seniorme

9	Spudley

8	tap5000

8	Teflon

7	The Alienist

10	verve

10	windchime

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What madness devours a halcyon mind,
Robbing it of precious volition,
Bleeding, leaving the scalp maligned -
A once copious mane torn into submission?
Whipped by anxiety's bloody crop,
The tearing and tears will never stop!
By the strand or by the fistful,
Until every pore becomes wistful -

If you're afraid, if you've lost your way,
When sanity's grasp is dwindling away...
Within each hand, a strand of hair -
Inside your mind, a red hot flare!

I watch now, in bleak sadness, as you just slip away.
I have watched all these years, as you raked at your mane!
I came here to hold you, not to scold you to shame...
And at the moment, all I can think of to say:
"Why the hell didn't I buy you that toupee?!"

------
For once as I, in Heaven climbed
Too high for truth to truly see
My sunken mind, drunken and blind
Saw the lie: The fool was me...

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Comments

The following comments are for "Trichotillomania"
by Rogan

punch line
I was caught up in the power of this poem. Charmed by the command of the language. halcyon - maligned .. delighted by the lack of spelling and grammatical errors and then I read the ending and felt deflated instead of amused. I know there will be readers who love this deft turn but it didn't work for me. Your writing skills were top notch as usual and but I preffered Hazelfaern's entry.

( Posted by: Penelope [Member] On: June 28, 2004 )

Sickened
Only by the fact that I actually agree with Pen on this one. The last line screwed it up for me and was a great let down. Knowing the style and way you usually write I was all worked up for something unreal and all around WOW.

That last line left a bad taste in my mouth, strong enough that I can't overlook it in rating this piece.

Sorry man, still a fan just let down some with this one.

Now I gotta go start drinking to try and forget that Pen and I finally agree on something. Things that make you go.....bllluuhhh. ;)

~Jessica

( Posted by: Jessicanm [Member] On: June 28, 2004 )

Tricho
I liked this one better than your opponent's, for its easiness on (my) eyes, it flowed better to me, and the emotion, meaning, was more natural. I have to agree with the comments above me, though, that the last line fell flat. I have to give it a nine because of that, but otherwise, great poem.

( Posted by: Elphaba [Member] On: June 28, 2004 )

love the punch line
I was all caught up in the power too and then that last line....LOL. Nice write rogan. Thanks.

( Posted by: Char [Member] On: June 28, 2004 )

A little far off with comments here?
Should not the comments be for the writers? Do they need to know you need a drink because you agree with someone you don't normally? How immature is that? It is rather funny.

Rogan, I am relatively new here. From the professional world, Critiqueing can be harsh, so is life. But to use your space for their own personal views...distasteful.

I see lots of that here. If you all appreciate that kind of behavior: ..well, so be it.

For your writing you show alot of promise. You seem very intellegent, above the norm. I have enjoyed reading some of your writing and I truly hope some day to see you at a book signing. Peace!!

( Posted by: catlesfemme [Member] On: June 28, 2004 )

linguistic
Rogan, as always your use of words is magnificent. That is an incredible opening stanza.

Sadly, the rest of it, though good, wasn't *quite* as brilliant, and you left an opening there for your opponent to get in.

I spent a lot of time deliberating this one. Both poems are fantastic - everything I would have expected from two of my favorite writers on the site - and I'm seriously struggling to seperate you. In the end, I've given up: both poems are getting 9/10 from me.

Well done to you both.

( Posted by: Spudley [Member] On: June 28, 2004 )

Write Off Etiquette
I'll be commenting and rating both of these pieces a little later in the week as is my practice, but I felt the need to make a few comments on standard practice for helping choose a winner of a Write Off.

1. If you are going to rate one piece, please rate the other one also. That's feedback that these writer's want, and the main reason for the contest.

2. The same thing goes for comments. If you plan on commenting on one piece its only fair to take the time to tell the other author what your thoughts were on their work.

3. Off topic comments are not against the rules or even unappreciated by most of us, if they are accompanied by comments that DO focus on the work in question. These little bits of color commentary and asides add character and keep things light-hearted and entertaining. We're all friends here after all.

Lastly, I'll say this. Both of this week's entries are impressive and I'm not looking forward to choosing between them.

Bart

( Posted by: Bartleby [Member] On: June 28, 2004 )

catlesfemme
Just to clear things up, anyone that was around awhile back nows that Pen and I don't see eye to eye on LOTS of things. I was merely making a joke at that expense and truthfully was shocked that we did actually after all that's been said and done agree on this one. It was a surprise.

Bart is right, the only thing that chirs has Bart and I look for is comments that are totally off the piece and have nothing to do with helping the writer in their craft. If we find comments that have nothing to do with the piece then that's when Bart, Chris, and I delete them. And we've actually had to do it too.

I'm glad all the comments on this piece is taking off so well. it's a great write off.

~Jessica

( Posted by: Jessicanm [Member] On: June 28, 2004 )

stunning
Rogan...a great piece, which I completely enjoyed (I can't seem to be rating now but will come back to do so on both pieces)...

This is one of the best write off's I've read in some time...my kudos to both of you!

Claire

( Posted by: clairesbest [Member] On: June 28, 2004 )

hairmania
Rogan, I'm choosing you over Hazel for this one. Yours has the immediacy and the rush of a roller coaster ride, and elicits the same reaction, at its screeching halt. Here, I truly feel the essence of the poem and the essence of the poet are one and the same. This is how deep I had to go to in order to tease out the high rating. Your opponent is certainly no slouch either, though, and I think of the two of you as above being tied for anything...

( Posted by: windchime [Member] On: June 29, 2004 )

I love...
the energy at the beginning! Though I like the idea behind the twist at the end, I felt it was a little flat. Based on the rest of the poem, I believe you could make it stronger. Anyway- I will say that between the two,I favor your poem.:)

( Posted by: Cynical_Scribe [Member] On: June 29, 2004 )

My Aplogies Rogan..
For using your commentary space for my own purpose, guess I should have written a rant rather than to use this. Also I was so quick to remark on this, I never realized this was a "Write-Off".
In all fairness I have read both several times Rogan, you are a very interesting Poet/writer. I am very surprised with the differences in both pieces, yet such strong vocabulary usage, wonderfully refreshing to be a part of Lit.org.

( Posted by: catlesfemme [Member] On: June 29, 2004 )

Comedic end?
I was wrapped up in this poem until the last line .
What a disappointment just not for me maybe others will like this? But for me it felt like a let down by the writer almost to the point of an insult to the reader.

( Posted by: Gordon [Member] On: June 29, 2004 )

last line...
kills it. 'Scalp' was a poor word choice, too.
Otherwise lotsa power in rhythm and verbage.

( Posted by: the alienist [Member] On: June 29, 2004 )

The R Man
What makes poetry so great is that it is so subjective. I loved the last line it gave me quite a chuckle. Poetry can be serious, beautiful and funny too and that is what you have here. You take risks with your writing and that's what makes you an exceptioningly good writer. Your opponant wrote a lovely piece with touches of brilliance but she writes for the erudite as you do to but you also write for the masses as well.
You got style!

warmest regards,
bob

( Posted by: rcallaci [Moderator] On: June 30, 2004 )

loved it
the use of expressive, intricate words makes this poem admirable. i also liked how everybody thought you'd end it in such a bloody typical way, but you actually changed that, you turned it into something funny. had a smile on my face. gave it a 9.

( Posted by: seniorme [Member] On: June 30, 2004 )

the ending
The deciding factor in this one was the ending...had the ending been stronger, this would have had me...

A great effort, and sorry to be redundant, but my rating thingy wasn't working the other night.

Claire

( Posted by: Clairesbest [Member] On: June 30, 2004 )

Rogan
I went back and forth on this one. I loved the humor in your ending. I was braced for some serious ending and then you threw me right off my tush. I love your sense of humor. I really enjoyed this. I gave the other one my vote but truly I have gone back in forth so many times I should have tossed a coin. Great write!!!

Nae

( Posted by: nae411 [Moderator] On: July 1, 2004 )

ROGAN
I believe that TITLES play a big part to win the readers. They serve as fishing nets to get people start reading the first lines. FIRST, I like your title better than H's. SECOND, your choice for words to rhyme I like better as well: volition, submission; mind, maligned. THIRD, the twist in the end which the others hated, is in fact appealing to me. Sure it surprised the conservatives. Loved it! It was such a bold move you ended the poem that way, sort of experimenting.

OVER ALL, I find your piece better compared to your hazelfaern's, which I think is also VERY GOOD.

( Posted by: PETERPAULINO [Member] On: July 1, 2004 )

You Had Me At The Title...
I'd not heard that before... had to look it up... but the rest of the work just fed the fire...

By the time I got to the last line, that bonfire was nearly out of control...

The last line jumped the fire break and I stopped looking for the Hot spots...

Your temperment and writing remind me of "Professor Snape" of Harry Potter fame...
The similitude is astonishing... (The picture is certainly characteristic as well)

( Posted by: daprdan [Member] On: July 1, 2004 )

Potential
Potential is a word that I hate. One of the few in English. It was good up until the end, the last lines, could of put more thought in it, you tried too hard to make it funny, which makes it not funny. First stanza, amazing!

( Posted by: forgottensoul [Member] On: July 2, 2004 )

flash to fizzle
Rogan~

As usual I find your work full of depth and charge and the first stanza of this piece delivered in spades. Your word choice and sense of timing and meter was flawless. The rest of the piece seems a little flat in light of that first meteoric stanza. The gag line at the end while terribly unexpected and funny just didn't move me as much as your competitor's piece. But you certainly delivered one of the highest rated Write Off pieces in recent memory. I'll be looking forward to seeing you on the battlefield again soon.

Bart

( Posted by: Bartleby [Member] On: July 2, 2004 )

"hair piece"
The subject matter is really fascinating to me.
You are definitely a talented writer but I was disappointed at the ending.

( Posted by: arc [Member] On: July 5, 2004 )

Contrast, Compare
I have to admit, Rogan, on first reading I had the same reaction as a number of your above commenters. Actually, my first thought on encountering that last line was that you'd thrown it in there because you'd gotten stuck at the end of the poem without a solid finale and so had fallen back on humour as a kind of desperate reaction to the time limit.

Having returned to your poem several times, though, I think I've developed a real fondness for that last line. Rather than reading it as an abrupt and senseless switch of tone, the statement appeals to me as a rather sweetly absurd and graciously distracting thing to say to someone who is stuck in their own personal whirling vortex of hell, especially as it's set up by the notion that your someone has already gone through quite enough scolding and shame. What actually strikes me as being over the top is the fragment "as you just slip away" because it implies that your trichotillomaniac is facing death due to a compulsive plucking out of the hair. While this notion becomes more obviously absurd on closer examination, I think it is the introduction of tenuous mortality which causes your ending to fall with a rather heavy-handed thud on certain more sensitive ears. I think that if you had set up your punchline just a little differently it would have opened up your audience to be more receptive to the oddly sweetly-absurd statement in your conclusion.

I think you did a much better job in your own poem of grappling with a specific set of sensations related to a strand of hair -- anger, despair, desperation, shock, shame -- a whole gamut of firey emoticons readily available to your readers. I think I got far more caught up in the verbal structure of my own entry, and that it would have helped if I had reached as strongly as you for that which is response provoking rather than allowing my subject to nearly drown in clever use of moody assonance/dissonance, rhyme and meter.

You are an opponent well met to say the least. In my own mind I consider the results of our contest to be a draw, seperated as they are by a mere hair (sorry, very wrong of me, couldn't help it). I'd be extremely pleased to weild a little more wit with you again in the future if you'd consider it.

( Posted by: hazelfaern [Member] On: July 5, 2004 )

while i was away
WOAH!

This is more comments than I've seen on a write-off entry. Ever. Some of them wander slightly, but who cares!? You guys rock! I'm glad to see most of the staff reading and commenting on the write-off. It gives me a warm fuzzy feeling in the pit of my stomach.

I've been away on vacation since the 26th (I had submitted this poem on Friday evening, and although that put me under a harsh time limit, I don't feel that it was rushed or forced).

Coming back to see all the great comments really blows me away. Nevermind "losing" - I can understand everyone's aversion to my ending. Hazel's poem was much heavier, but it rose to the top noneth'less.

I'm not going to sit here and try to explain why I ended the poem as I did. Rather, I will humbly thank everyone for their comments and criticism. I am here to improve my craft, and with every post, I run closer to the Sun. Maybe I shall be consumed in the heat like Icarus and his old man - but that knowledge won't stop me.

I'm always up to competing with the fantastic writers on lit.org - I'd love to tilt again with Bartleby, Hazel, Jessica, and company.

Again, thank you everyone for commenting (especially Hazel - your comment has to be the best I've ever recieved!)!

( Posted by: rogan [Member] On: July 6, 2004 )

Cheesy.
What possesed you to end such an eloquent poem with such a stupid punchline?

( Posted by: MacLaren [Member] On: July 6, 2004 )

Don't listen......
to MacLaren, I love irreverant humour, makes the world go round.

A very well written poem, it tells you are a talented writer so why not play with the punch line!?!

All I will say is I agree with Hazel.

Alex

( Posted by: londongrey [Member] On: July 6, 2004 )

re: Cheesy
Oh, you wound me! What possessed you to comment on my poem with such a silly oneliner?

Seriously.

I can appreciate that you think it's a stupid ending.. You're probably enamoured of profound and earthmoving finales - but come on, man! After you've been in a few write-offs, then maybe I'll let you call my punchlines 'stupid'.

( Posted by: rogan [Member] On: July 6, 2004 )

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