Lit.Org - a community for readers and writers Advanced Search
 




Average Rating
10

(1 votes)


RatingRated by
10Charmr

You must login to vote

i was really having second thought's about posting this poem as it is quite different from my usual style, hope you find it as interesting as the others
-------------------------------
A force so powerful took me high enough
Where I could see the whole world from above,
The wars, the crimes, the sins, the good deeds,
The power and even the love.

As I slowly swam from side to side
Through the fluffy white, glimmering clouds,
I enjoyed the soothing calmness;
I enjoyed the heavenly sounds,

I never came to think what brought me there;
I never really seemed to mind
All thoughts had seemed to slip through my head;
I'd left the world behind

The Eiffel tower; I thought oh that's France,
Home to the pretty and the posh,
Then came the statue of liberty, I'm above the U.S,
Could that really be president bush??

Other countries I saw during my journey
Like Britain, Germany and Spain,
Then came the one place that brings back so many memories,
The happiness and the pain

I see them still standing, the three huge pyramids,
I see the camels, the sphinx, and the crowds,
I begin to look through the country for the people I want to see,
I call all their names aloud

But apparently they don't see me flying
Above their heads like a ghost,
They don't see me struggling to find the people I miss,
The ones I want to see the most

As I got to my building I looked towards our porch,
And as I approached I could clearly see,
My mom weeping quietly, dressed in black,
Saying something about losing me,

As I stood next to her, patting her on the back,
Telling her everything was okay,
She just turned and left, she never even looked at me,
She rode her car and she drove away.

I followed her around, and to the hospital we went,
Right behind her through the corridors I ran,
Although she still wouldn't listen to me, as no one else would either,
She was forcefully stopped by a man.

As she cried and cried as he told her the news
That I was not too close to hear,
The words that she said sure pierced through my head,
Her words were loud and clear.

"I came as fast as I could" she said,
"You said he was going to be fine!!"
She ran past the guy into a room, a body lay where she wept,
That lifeless body was mine…
----------------------------



Related Items

Comments

The following comments are for "tale"
by seniorme

Tale...Ivor
Moet,

The themes good and you keep quite good rhyme and rhythem, however I found it a drag. And I should not have done given the story!

If it was mine, I'd try to get it into shorter lines and proper verses:

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A force so powerful took me high enough,
Where I could see the whole world from above,
The wars, the crimes, the sins, the good deeds, The power and even the love.

As I slowly swam from side to side,
Through the fluffy white, glimmering clouds,
I enjoyed the soothing calmness;
I enjoyed the heavenly sounds,

I never came to think what brought me there;
I never really seemed to mind,
All thoughts had seemed to slip through my head; I'd left the world behind

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Can you see the difference...it's beautiful!

A long piece (and in my opinion any piece) needs splitting, let us savor your every word.

Go on take it back and edit it, make it something to be proud of!


Ivor

( Posted by: ivordavies [Member] On: June 25, 2004 )

Tale again...Ivor
Moet, Sorry this seems to be a posting problem, I'll try to post my edited bit again:

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A force so powerful took me high enough,
Where I could see the whole world from above,
The wars, the crimes, the sins, the good deeds,
The power and even the love.

As I slowly swam from side to side,
Through the fluffy white, glimmering clouds,
I enjoyed the soothing calmness;
I enjoyed the heavenly sounds,

I never came to think what brought me there;
I never really seemed to mind,
All thoughts had seemed to slip through my head;
I'd left the world behind
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I know you had already split it but I felt the lines were too long.

Ivor

( Posted by: ivordavies [Member] On: June 25, 2004 )

done
thanx, ivor, i've fixed it and reposted it. it does make a difference when reading it as i often take a breath or pause after each line, and yes it was a drag.

( Posted by: seniorme [Member] On: June 25, 2004 )

Moet...Ivor
Moet,

It is certainly easier to absorb now and lets you enjoy the poem. Glad you took the effort to edit it, well done.

I find it easier to write all my poetry into word, then cut and past it for submission. You have to be careful though as 'soft returns' are ignored and have to be put back in. At least this way you can 'see' what the presentation is like before posting.

Well done,

Ivor

( Posted by: ivordavies [Member] On: June 25, 2004 )

tale
I liked this all but the part where you say Bush.I have nothing but contempt for this weasel and moron, butI do like the poem. I gave it a 10.

( Posted by: Charmr [Member] On: June 25, 2004 )

bush
actually my favorite part is when you rhyme "posh" with "Bush"

( Posted by: wrdekle [Member] On: June 26, 2004 )

tale
Well Done! It is well thought out of how you think your mother will feel if anything should happen to you. Great rhyme.

( Posted by: Serendipity [Member] On: June 26, 2004 )





Add Your Comment

You Must be a member to post comments and ratings. If you are NOT already a member, signup now it only takes a few seconds!

All Fields are required

Commenting Guidelines:
  • All comments must be about the writing. Non-related comments will be deleted.
  • Flaming, derogatory or messages attacking other members well be deleted.
  • Adult/Sexual comments or messages will be deleted.
  • All subjects MUST be PG. No cursing in subjects.
  • All comments must follow the sites posting guidelines.
The purpose of commenting on Lit.Org is to help writers improve their writing. Please post constructive feedback to help the author improve their work.


Username:
Password:
Subject:
Comment:





Login:
Password: