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10Eckarblan
7Penelope

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He stalked her for weeks, and for weeks he built his obsession. She was more than extraordinary; she was going to be his prize kill. Watching her every move, examining her physique, turned on by her susceptibility. She was nothing more than a typical prostitute. He saw many come and pick his chosen victim up. Her body was irresistibly luscious, the very thing that turned him on. Though they come for her to entice their lusting insanity, they never return. This was for him a sure sign of weakness. He assumed the absence of customers was a symbol of her mistaken talent. He watched her day after day, Standing, watching desperately for an opportunity to gain. She was losing the surviving battle prostitutes fight. “A beautiful woman like that. What is her motive?” He thought from time to time. After noticing the fish are looking for other bait, he realized his opportunity was better than ever. He looked down at his bulging pants. “ Oh this is going to be fun.” He softly claimed. He kept one eye on her as he reached into the glove compartment of his car and pulled out an antique knife. The knife had a mahogany handle with unknown carvings. The knife had a shinny chrome finish; except for the old blood imbedded in the crease of the handle. He raised his body from the seat of the car and slid the knife into his back pocket. He sat back down took a deep breath and slowly put pressure on the accelerator.



As the car crept forward, his heart raced in his chest and his mouth was dry. Never once did he shake. After more than a dozen similar murders by his hands, the shaking unnoticeably faded. He pulled up in front of her and let the window down. Up close, she did not look like a well woman. Her skin was starving for sunlight and her eyes had bruise like rings around them. Past her unhealthy appearance, he still found irresistible beauty. “You looking for a party baby?” He yelled out. She stepped forward and kneeled down in front of the window. “Yes” she replied and opened the door. As she stepped in, he felt uneasy. This was not one of his usual reactions before creating another victim. After the door closed, she sat looking forward with no words. “You have a name, sweet cakes?” She did not answer. “I like to know who I’m dealing with before we engage in sex okay?” She still did not answer. He was irritated and on the edge. Thoughts raced through his head, thoughts of stabbing her repeatedly in the car that very moment. “How much do you charge for some head?” She looked over and looked at him with cold piercing eyes. “We go to the alley around the corner. I do what you want. I do not require money. We need to eat. I do this to feed me and my babies.” Her words were sad. He sat and a sudden case of humanity came over him. “You do this to feed your kids?” He was sickened for a second, but his sickness disappeared with a burst of pleasure in the thought of whacking of a desperate mother. “Yeah baby I’ll take care of you. Food, that’s it right? This is great!” He started the car up and sped around the corner making a left and pulling all the way the deep of the alley. Wasting no time he shut the engine off, slid his chair back, and unzipped his pants. “Get too it!” He demanded. The tone in his voice was different, more aggressive. She looked at him and smiled as if his tone amused her. She pulled her long black hair back, turned her head to one side, and leaned in. He laid his head back as she worked. His eyes rolled and his toes balled in his shoes. She was phenomenal. She gave him service like none other. The pleasure she rendered caused debate in his psychotic mind. “Keep her! She’s so damn good. I can’t believe you are going to kill the worlds best cock sucker!” His mind went on and on, finally he came to a resolution. “Do it now. Yeah, that would be different. Kill her while she’s sucking the life out of your penis.” This was the decision that pleased him the most. He grabbed by the hair and wrapped it around his fist. His body rose again as he reached into his back pocket for the knife. As the knife slid out, he realized she was not screaming. He even thought he heard a low groan. He pulled her head back in full thrill of the moment and slid it across her neck. He was used to hearing the tortured screams followed by silence, But this time the only thing he heard was the blade grind against the bone in her neck as sailed across. He threw her head back away from him, it landed into the window with a thump. He jumped out of the car in his usual after murder panic, looking around as he walked to the other side of the car. He opened the door and let the body out. He returned to his car tires screeched as he sped off.



After a long satisfying drive, he was finally home. He whistled as he walked from his car to his house. “Oops, I did it again, da da da da da…” his whistles turned to words. He put his key into the hole and turned it. He heard a low growl from behind as he turned the knob to enter. The growl reminded him of the noise the prostitute in the car made as he slit her throat. “I’m getting old, maybe I should stop the killing.” He talked to himself, before he could walk into the house his thought turned to subject of laughter. He stepped in and closed the door behind him. His hand flipped the switch on the wall and the room lit up. He felt someone watching him so he turned. Over the door was a woman posted like a double-jointed spider. Her hands and feet held her to the wall as her breast stuck out like eyes. “Its you! I’ll be damned its you!” He screamed. She smiled at him wickedly. “I gave you what you wanted my evil friend. I admire your style, now you have to give me what I want.” She stared at him with hungry evil eyes. As he turned to run, she pushed herself forward leaping from the wall.
She landed on his shoulders like a hawk on a small rodent, grabbing his hair in his hand. “Do you remember this? Now the hunter is hunted” Her voice was calm and seductive. He opened his mouth to scream; before the sound could escape him, her legs bent and lunged forward. Her body headed straight through the front window with his head in her hands.



His headless body stood in the middle of the floor. His fingers twitched his leg shook. The door swung open and an adult male and female entered. The two kissed passionately before rushing into the falling body. Meat ripped, bones cracked as they feasted on their mothers catch. The two bit at each other with their enlarged fangs as they claimed their part of the body. They continued feasting until the only thing left was bones and the blood the carpet absorbed. The Female jumped on the male and bit at his bloody face. He threw her against the wall. As she stood he rushed into her nibbling and kissing her. There was a loud squeal outside the window. The two looked up, it was their mother letting them know it was time to go.


------
Everything I do, I do with passion. Come join me and see what I can do with words!


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Comments

The following comments are for "Prey"
by DBurke

I need feedback
I need feedback on "Prey". Even though this was a freestyle, This was a test on my creativity. Please rate it and feel free to critique this> ( I take the good and the bad)

Thank you

( Posted by: DBurke [Member] On: June 25, 2004 )

Thank You Penelope
I do appreciate your honest feelings about my piece of work. I agree maybe it could have been shorter, however I dont think how long it turned out to be demeamed the quality of it. My question to you, If it was not a good read, if it ws only "okay" then why read it twice? I don't work or compare my work to other writters as I am an individual. What works for them, may not work for me. What you don't like may amuse another. Thank you again.

( Posted by: DBurke [Member] On: June 27, 2004 )

The Good, the Bad and the Why
Actually, DBurke, just as a bit of useful information, the reason Penelope read your flash entry twice is because she is an excellent critic who always double-checks her first impression before making comments.

Now, having read your bit of fiction, myself, I must say I'm intrigued by your concept though I think your narrative style could use a little work. Some of the roughness in this seems to stem from a kind of jumpiness between verb tenses "He saw many come and pick his chosen victim up" then "Though they come for her to entice their lusting insanity, they never return". Notice that in the first instance you have a modified past tense -- *saw* them come -- where in the second you have a present tense -- they come. There also seems to be a quality of odd stiltedness to the running stream of consciousness of the main character -- the way his thoughts are voiced does not strike me as true.

I would have to say that I ultimately concur with Jess and Pen -- you'd have a far sharper work of fiction if you whittled this down a bit more, giving only the necessary bits. In fact you might consider the notion that shock value is often enhanced when the thoughts of an immoral or amoral character are completely unknown. I'd be intrigued to see this re-written completely outside the head of the main character. You could convey many of the things you have written already simply through the actions of your character -- where his eyes go, what his hands do, the pace of his breathing -- and it would save you the trouble of trying to create a believable internal dialogue for a serial killer who gets turned on by the thought of whacking a desperate mother. Actually, that reminds me, it might be a good idea to look over her response to his "How much?" because I thought her reply that she didn't want money, she did this for food, gave away the ending way too early. Is there some way to re-write her answer so that she can refuse his money while leading the astute reader to believe she might actually be asking for canned goods or Mickey D's rather than hinting at a lust for blood? Just, please, keep the bit where he whistles "Ooops, I did it again" as he gets home because *that* was truly hillarious.

( Posted by: hazelfaern [Member] On: June 27, 2004 )

Re:PREY
Thank you all once again for the feedback. What I never understand when I read critiques is when the writter responds to their true feelings in response, it is often viewed as negative. I am not negative about anyones feelings towards my work. There will be work that is not so great; in fact as an ameture there will be more not so great pieces than great pieces. I won't stop writting because someone feels I could have done better. Please don't mistake my reply as a snap back at what could be in the viewers eyes as truth. Reflecting this I realize I could have put it under short story and it would have worked out better. As I said before I'm learning this is all new to me. I think if this story was put into the right catagory "my opinion" it would present a better read. Once again Thank you, I would hope to recieve more imput on future writtings!

( Posted by: DBurke [Member] On: June 27, 2004 )

Thank you so much Jessicanm
I am thankful for your open minded approach to this story. I have recieved the best of both wolds in critiques. I am greatful though to know there are two opinions in this and that helps a new writter like myself stay motivated. Just the same I am greatful for all thoughts this can show me what I dont see. Thank you again Jessicanm, I hope you will continue to give me feed back. I'll also hope for future feedback from anyone else.

( Posted by: DBurke [Member] On: June 28, 2004 )

for her kiddees,.,
ha ha she sure did it for her kids...LOL
Well this kept my attention, too, but I don't think it is as "good" as the others. Still, it kept my attention....

( Posted by: veebdosa [Member] On: June 16, 2010 )





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