Upon the Web
by Capulet (Member) - published: June 20, 2004
Word Count: 125 Word Bytes: 764 Viewed: 1976 times
Category - The Write Off
© Copyright by Capulet

7.47

(19 votes)

Rating	Rated by

7	Chiana

7	Clairesbest

8	Dareva

7	die_daily

10	Gordon

7	hazelfaern

9	JEANNIE45

7	Jessicanm

7	Libertus

9	nae411

10	Nbiz

7	Odysseus

5	OverwhelminglyC..

8	Penelope

7	rcallaci

7	Searching4Ever

8	Serenem

5	SkyTigress

7	Spudley

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I find myself trapped on the web
Looking for the edge
Looking for a way out
But with each step forward
I hear the spider take two
And no matter how fast I flee
She betters my pace

Friends are met along the way
Held unawares by the web
I cannot slow to warn them
For she draws ever near
Dogging my every step
Stopping only to feast upon
Those lives left ruined in my wake

Hope takes hold as I see my goal
The edge so close, salvation so near
But the weight of my journey
Has slowed my pace overmuch
And she is upon me, insatiate
Having taken all from me, she now takes me
Oh what a tangled web I wove

------
Signatures are lame. Oops!

Comments

The following comments are for "Upon the Web"
by Capulet

I love spiders!
An interesting take on the topic given. I give you extra points for putting yourself in the picture. I also liked the tangled web as a spin on deception. Being stalked by the spider because .... you are a fly with friends? This poem had an onimous tone which is a downer for a spider lover. No! I'm not going to deduct points for that. There is also a hint of sexuality about this too. A femme fatale spiderette. Am I reading too much into this? :-)
All in all, it was an enjoyable read. I'll wait till I read Gordon's before I score this. Okay?

( Posted by: Penelope [Member] On: June 21, 2004 )

Hmmm
Thank you for the comments. I don't think there was a femme fatale tone intentionally placed in the poem, but I did choose female didn't I? In fact, everytime I think of spiders I think female, like a male variety doesn't exist. Kind of odd, since I know baby spiders come from SOMEWHERE! heh heh heh

I think I'm a victim of my French education, where pretty much everything is assigned a grammatical gender, and that becomes a non-grammatical habit as well. Definately an unexpected thought to roll over as a result of writing this. =)

( Posted by: Capulet [Member] On: June 21, 2004 )

write off
This one grew on me after I'd read it through a few times. I also picked up on the ominous feeling running through the whole piece; I think it works very well.

Although they have very different structures, the two poems here are so very similar in some senses. A lot of that will be down to the starter given for the write off, but I think you've both hit some similar themes.

It's a tough call for me to seperate them and score them, but this is a write off, so I am called to do just that. And sadly, I'm going to give the nod to your opponent. But only by a thread. :)

( Posted by: Spudley [Member] On: June 21, 2004 )

trapped on the web
Very interesting. I love the spider web image, and the play on 'what a tangled web we weave' - poised as that last moment of regret - great. Perhaps something that you might think about is trying to "speed the poem up" - to give it more of a caught/running feel. For instance, if you say 'along' or 'way' out loud, they have those long vowels sounds that sort of slow the pace of reading. 'take two' and 'she betters my pace' are a bit faster. (I'm not the best at giving examples, as my things tend towards the super slow ;) You might not want to go that way, of course, as the entire piece is a bit slow, but that's cool, just a suggestion.

( Posted by: SkyTigress [Member] On: June 21, 2004 )

a sticky web
I liked the dark undertones to this piece. The more you read it the better it gets. I gave the nod to gordon because although I like what you say in the piece it lacks a certain sizzle. It just doesn't have enough juice to it for my tastes but good it is none the less. 7/10

warmest regards
bob

( Posted by: rcallaci [Moderator] On: June 21, 2004 )

Good start
You had a good thing going for this piece yet I felt you tried to tell us what happened more than you tried to show us. As writers we need to show how a 'story' even in a poem unfolds instead of not telling. It's not a bad piece by any means but up against Gordon's your picture seems a little unfinished. Better luck next time.

~Jessica

( Posted by: Jessicanm [Member] On: June 22, 2004 )

On the web
I enjoyed this it was well written it had suspense and feeling I particularly liked the run away leave the rest of them to it part survival instinct to no avail at the end.
G

( Posted by: Gordon [Member] On: June 23, 2004 )

Capulet..
I enjoyed reading this write-off poem. You did very well. This poem is well written. Thanks for the effort..

( Posted by: Dareva [Member] On: June 24, 2004 )

Upon the web
I liked both poems, but after rereading this through a few times, I became trapped in your web. This one did it for me!!! Great write.
Nae

( Posted by: nae411 [Moderator] On: June 24, 2004 )

I like your poem
And think it has many good qualities. Given the rules of a write-off, I had to make a decision, but I hope to read more of your work and really enjoyed your poem. I will admit that the more I read this one, the more I like it...so you did a poet's job. You trapped your audience in your web :)

Claire

( Posted by: Clairesbest [Member] On: June 24, 2004 )

Yowza
If I learned one thing from this experience it's that...

Claire is a hottie! Yowza! ;)

( Posted by: Capulet [Member] On: June 24, 2004 )

addiction
I don�t read a lot of poetry, but since this was a write off, I thought I�d give these poems a try. I really liked this work. The first thing I thought of when I read it was that this is a great analogy for the life of someone trying to escape from an addiction. Lines like,

�Friends are met along the way
Held unawares by the web�

seem to suggest that this is not a poem about a fly, but about people. Also, the line,

�But the weight of my journey
Has slowed my pace overmuch�

indicates that the subject of the poem has traveled this road for so long, being pulled back into the arms of the spider (metaphor for whatever ails you) is damn near impossible. Well, that�s my take on it. Maybe I�m reading too much into it?

Can�t say I have any commentary about the structure of the poem, but I liked it.

Thanks.
Nelson.

( Posted by: Nbiz [Member] On: June 25, 2004 )

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