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Rainbows no longer exist
The sky seems dim and forbidding
When hearts are as cold as the rainy weather
Where many secrets are vaguely hidden

Skin made of tar
Thick, black, tough concrete
Faces forever are deceiving
No matter how many you meet

people, You try to pave over and over again
But they leave your light pure skin aflame
So you hide from the sun, and away you run
Thinking, you're the one to blame

Now your eyes are piercing,
You adapt to dysfunction, your mind takes a devious swirl
Their bodies…transparent, their intentions…apparent
Their hidden secrets begin to unfurl.

As you use all your might, to build a long bridge
With a huge dead-end, a wall
You watch them attempting to pass,
And they'll fail, and you'll watch them proudly as they fall

Then comes along a pure heart like yours,
Searching within you for a friend,
But you miscomprehend, the wrong signals you send,
You watch them flee away, as you fend.

That's when you realize, you've been permanently cursed,
Your wall, too strong to shatter
A friend you need, you're too arrogant to plead,
And your tears are quick to splatter

You realize, you're now one of the tainted ones,
You're the one who has to be paved,
As people pitifully watch you attempt and fail
To get out of your solid rock cave.
I have been actually put in a situations similar to this one. I consider this to be my truest and unluckily most tragic piece of poetry.

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The following comments are for "wake up, a closer look"
by seniorme

if you're non-native...
I'd love to be able to read what you write in your own language! I find some of the rhythm is challenged when you read it aloud but I think you have good sense of rhyme. I like that for the most part you try to avoid cliches, a big newbie problem.

My honest feedback in the interest of encouraging you is to keep reading a ton of poetry. Li Young Lee, Adrienne Rich, Anne Sexton,and TS Eliot are some of my favorites when it comes to self-reflection and personal history. Of course, you may read my stuff and decide to ignore my advice but I'll look forward to reading more.

( Posted by: wrdekle [Member] On: June 22, 2004 )

thanx for the advice
i did try reading poems to some of the poets mentioned, can't say i loved it, but then again i only read one poem for each. the only poetry i read is that included on this site, but i'll try reading more to the famous ones. thanks

( Posted by: seniorme [Member] On: June 22, 2004 )


You immagination and the words in your poetry express feelings and meanings well. Mostly you have a good sense of rhyme.

This is just between you and me, as I will not admit it to the free writers, but rhythm is possibly more important.

I think you should try both styles, although to be a freewriter you have really got to learn the art....I never did.

To be a rhyming poet, just ensure it maintaines a beat, like a drummer. You can change the beat, vary the beat etc. but you cannot just make a disorganised noise.

A couple of you stanza's almost achieved this, read it out aloud and tap your fingers to the rhythm, if you can't do this, then back to the drawing board.

Your poetry really is good and you have an active mind. I look forward to more of your work.

Have fun,


( Posted by: ivordavies [Member] On: June 22, 2004 )

it works
the finger tapping thing really worked!!
the beat does go out on the 2nd and the 3rd stanza. brilliant advice

( Posted by: seniorme [Member] On: June 22, 2004 )

Working for You
Poetry is great way to express oneself, and you are obviously doing a great job at it!! Keep it up. I especially like the part where you say, "You adapt to dysfunction". Wonderfully put. Well written. Keep 'em coming, I look forward to reading more. And.....are you sure you're only 15? Great Job!!

( Posted by: Serendipity [Member] On: June 22, 2004 )

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