Spider.
by Gordon (Member) - published: June 20, 2004
Word Count: 190 Word Bytes: 1239 Viewed: 1485 times
Category - The Write Off
© Copyright by Gordon

8.20

(24 votes)

Rating	Rated by

9	Beatrice Boyle

10	Capulet

8	Chiana

8	Clairesbest

9	Dareva

8	die_daily

8	flier58

8	hazelfaern

9	JEANNIE45

9	Jessicanm

9	Libertus

8	Maloreian

8	nae411

8	Nbiz

8	Odysseus

4	OverwhelminglyC..

9	Penelope

8	rcallaci

8	Sean

9	Searching4Ever

9	seniorme

9	Serenem

6	SkyTigress

8	Spudley

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So fine the filaments weaved from within.
With timeless ease she begins to spin.
Gossamer strands so hard to see.
Should you stray too close you will never be free.

Of course you will struggle with all your might
But you will never, win this fight.
Many have tried without success.
She knows every move she knows best.

The ultimate huntress the weaver without a loom.
She will come to you soon my friend, soon.
For now she is content to watch you fade away.
Now you are hers, why rush this day?

Quid pro quo she gave so much of herself.

Now you succumb accept your fate.
It would seem, churlish not to wait.
But all things must have and end.
As the strands take her weight, they begin to bend.

You can feel the vibration as the tension increases.
She begins her promenade of death in inches.
Arachnoid clothed in widows black.
None could care more, in the final act.

Within this orb this wondrous web.
She softly holds you until you are dead.
Like all lovers she gives the final embrace.
Then she begins to taste.

Comments

The following comments are for "Spider."
by Gordon

spider
interesting. you really captured the moment there. "the ultimate huntress, the weaver without a loom" i liked that part. you seem to be fascinated by spiders. good job.

( Posted by: seniorme [Member] On: June 21, 2004 )

churlish
Bless you Gordon for using the word churlish! Another femme fatale spiderette. A black widow one at that. I love spiders and watching them spin is a delight. I caught a few bobbles in the rhythm in this but felt it might be intentional as she stops to anchor her thread at another spoke. I wouldn't begin to describe the death hold as gentle but this is a poem and I'll forgive that reality lapse. The last two stanzas are really wonderful Gordon. Excellent ending too. I would have used arachnid rather than arachnoid but that's me and I didn't write this. I'm going to give you the nod in this write off Gordon. In my opinion, it's the better of the two.

( Posted by: Penelope [Member] On: June 21, 2004 )

Broken rhythm.
As with Pen, I picked up a few loose ends in the rhythm here (loom/soon was the one that I really didn't like). I'm not quite as forgiving as she is on that, but it's hard to mark you down too hard for it.

The ending is good. I have to say that when the lover's embrace came up, I was suprised not to see the word 'kiss' on the next line. It works excellently the way it is though, so don't change it. :)

I'm going to give you the nod over your opponent here, but it was a close contest - two good poets competing well.

( Posted by: Spudley [Member] On: June 21, 2004 )

until you are dead
The imagery in the beginning and ending stanzas on this are beautiful. Especially this line: "So fine the filaments weaved from within." I do have to agree with the other posters on this one - the rhythm is rather stilted. Perhaps read it out loud? And I stumbled over several of your comma placements, they would occur where I wasn't expecting them, and wouldn't be there when I did. Did you do this on purpose? If so, I might be reading it wrong, and that's why it seemed stilted.

( Posted by: SkyTigress [Member] On: June 21, 2004 )

the spiders kiss
The spider theme is one of my favorites. You weaved a fairly good piece.Your rhythm is off just a touch but your imagery is quite seductive.

The first and last stanzas are your best in imagery but it is also where your rhythm is not quite right.

The last line in stanza one has one to many words in it. Instead of using "you will" you'll would have made the line flow better.

The last line in the final stanza is too short.
It was 3 or 4 syllables short.

an example ;

Without haste she then begins to taste or something similar to that to keep pace with the flow.

Forgive the nitpicking I very much enjoyed your piece and although I liked your opponents as well I give you the edge. 8/10

warmest regards,
bob

( Posted by: rcallaci [Moderator] On: June 21, 2004 )

Spider
I have been told she is coming but I hope it's a while before she gets my ass. I like this poem though.

( Posted by: Charmr [Member] On: June 22, 2004 )

The nod
Why does everyone use that phrase when voting for these things? I'll never know why I guess. But that's what I'm going to give you on this write off.

You have a great kind of hushed tone to this piece, like if one were to read it outloud they would use soft voices to help relay how creepy this piece could be. You sucked me in the middle of the second stanza. Good job.

~Jessica

( Posted by: Jessicanm [Member] On: June 22, 2004 )

spider
Well what an experience so many comments opinions differing some like this some like that.
Hesitant rhythm or stilted progression.
Loom or soon rhyme or reason.
It would be "churlish" of me not to mention how much I enjoyed this.
As an exercise in writing to a deadline for a subject I think I got it in on time and to most peoples satisfaction.
Job done.
The varied comments on different aspects of a relatively short poem just go to show what a wonderful medium poetry is.
The ultimate short story or a complete novel in 250 words or less.
To Capulet I enjoyed your poem and thank you for the chance to bang heads.
I have posted this early as i will be away till Monday .
One last point on the stilted rhythm of this piece it is intentional I accept it may be difficult for some people yet i felt it was essential to slow the poem down as Jessicanm mentioned "hush" it a little bit.
Once again thanks to everyone for taking the time to vote and comment.
G

( Posted by: Gordon [Member] On: June 23, 2004 )

Hitchcock lives!
Intriguing! I loved the description, it reminded me of Alfred Hitchcock. One problem I had was that it sort of fell apart at the end due to some sloppy rhyming. Good though. Very good.

( Posted by: Maloreian [Member] On: June 24, 2004 )

Score one for the forums!
Hi Gordon...this was great...I'm so proud of you taking on this challenge...you certainly have my vote and, I'm sure, that of all your friends on the forums. I think this is the best work of yours I've seen so far. I wish we could entice more Lit readers to our forums...FOLKS..."come on over and see what more we have to offer you...this was just one small example"!

( Posted by: Beatrice Boyle [Member] On: June 24, 2004 )

Spider...
I felt the broken rythm as well, but then it went along with a spiders movements. This is well written and I enjoyed it, thanks!

( Posted by: Dareva [Member] On: June 24, 2004 )

I hate being late :)
Your effort is the better of the two...I think it is wonderful, and I enjoyed it. This whispers profundity, and I think you did a great job...:) Write-off's are so wonderful, win or lose, they hold our feet to the fire. Both of you did well, although I have to land in your lap for the better effort.

Claire

( Posted by: clairesbest [Member] On: June 24, 2004 )

Bravo
Hi Gordon,

I certainly agree with you it's exciting to write to a deadline. I have to perform in that manner with manuals, articles, and other forms of writing, but putting a ticking timer on my poetry was something different and enflaming. I see some of the holes in my piece, overlooked due to deadlines, that others have mentioned, and will certainly rework my piece until it's a bit sharper. :)

I certainly enjoyed your piece. I'm very anal about meter, so I can certainly agree with some of the comments that the timing is slightly stilted in some parts.

That being said, I'm also very anal about writers maintaining their voice while speaking to their audience, and you've done so marvelously. I've read most of your other work, and you definately have a very resonant personal voice that comes through in your writing. This piece continues that wondeful trait, and makes it very enjoyable for me to read.

As others have mentioned, you have a very vivid way of transmitting images and emotions. I find there's a very small line between having readers explore their own thoughts, and what I call "emotional solicitation". It's a hard line to walk in an emotionally charged medium such as poetry, and you do it remarkably well. It's always nice to see emotionally charged work without seeing someone's heart thrown up on a page. ;)

We finally got our time on the front page, congratulations on the win, and here's to continued growth and success.

Cap

( Posted by: Capulet [Member] On: June 24, 2004 )

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