Lit.Org - a community for readers and writers Advanced Search

Average Rating

(2 votes)

RatingRated by

You must login to vote

For once my father was right, ha and I thought he was only capable of belching and eating baked beans. Now being able to eat baked beans breakfast lunch and diner is a brave thing if you want to walk down the street. I still don’t think of my father as the type of person I could relate and here for the first time in the beginning of the book it happens, and you have no idea what happened before it so let me fill you in. It was two days before the first day of 5th grade. For some reason my whole family, my rat face brother, my overprotective mother Verna, and my slob job father Bernard, were shopping for school supplies. My father was there because Mom thought it was a good family bonding time. “Verna” my dad would say “the boys know enough about me already.” “Don’t ya boys “yup” I said and my little brother chimed in. Then he would blurt out “and what would they learn from watching me shop” “that I like baked beans?” So any way so any way we are shopping for my lunch box at Wal-Mart, and my mom practically forced me to get a rain bow lunch box. “Good lord” said the people next to us as Bernard walked by. Back on the subject Verna asked Bernie “what color do you think he should get” my father was burping the abc’s when she asked he burped out. “What ever he wants.” My little brother was complaining about his imaginary friend Herbert. as we were fighting on what color to get bucktoothed Billy the school bully saw me with the purple lunch box.


The following comments are for "not finished yet it may be hard to follow so far !st chap"
by monkamonkababa

Style means much
I would not hazard a guess as to the quality of the storyline. It is one thing to have a story to tell. It's another thing entirely - the only thing that matters, actually - to be able to tell the story. I would suggest that you slow down and start over. There's a glowing need in all of us writers to rush to print whatever we've finished, like children showing their finger painting to their parents. I can't tell you how to get over this foolish tendency, only that you must in order to write a better story. Once you do, you will have some writing that will be worth reading.

Tachyon One

( Posted by: TachyonOne [Member] On: March 9, 2002 )

Add Your Comment

You Must be a member to post comments and ratings. If you are NOT already a member, signup now it only takes a few seconds!

All Fields are required

Commenting Guidelines:
  • All comments must be about the writing. Non-related comments will be deleted.
  • Flaming, derogatory or messages attacking other members well be deleted.
  • Adult/Sexual comments or messages will be deleted.
  • All subjects MUST be PG. No cursing in subjects.
  • All comments must follow the sites posting guidelines.
The purpose of commenting on Lit.Org is to help writers improve their writing. Please post constructive feedback to help the author improve their work.