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9

(2 votes)


RatingRated by
10PETERPAULINO
8Spudley

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we're fleeing the sunset
flying south on a winters night
chasing the darkness to soothe our eyes-weary from the day, bright and stark.
the further down, the faster we go-the earlier we can plunge into the night
away from the serenity of the dusk skies’ pink hues
out of reach of the soft orange tones that may burn my skin
i cant help but turn away from such beauty
only to return staring into space where it lay-
now enveloped in nothingness.

regret leaves no countenance here but merely lurks as the shadow etched into my cornea.
“should you not scar my memories where beauties vision would be?” i ask
with a shrug walks away,
leaving nought.



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Comments

The following comments are for "fleeing the sunset"
by joeyjoejoe3

I would
love to have heard this as a spoken word piece, it felt more like a middle English monologue and felt as though it was 'off the cuff'.

Regency dreamings. Thank you for sharing this.

Alex

( Posted by: londongrey [Member] On: July 11, 2004 )

congratz!
thanks for sharing...I enjoyed it...

( Posted by: rosebud [Member] On: July 11, 2004 )

fleeing the sunset
Beauty! 10

( Posted by: PETERPAULINO [Member] On: July 11, 2004 )

Verbiage.
It definitely has that feeling; a certain verbiage to it. The words hang from the poem with richness like a bunch of ripe grapes.

But I think the real poetry comes in the second stanza. The first is flowery, but doesn't have much bite. But the second... hmmm... am I right that it's regret that shrugs and walks away? That's a truly interesting concept. I like it. And well framed too; good word use here as well.

The first word left me unsure: is it "were" or "we're" with a missing apostrophe? Both work in the context, although "we're" seems better. But the difference between them changes the whole poem, even its tense, so I'd like to be sure.

Anyway, thank you for a very interesting poem. :)

( Posted by: Spudley [Member] On: July 12, 2004 )





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