Lit.Org - a community for readers and writers Advanced Search
 




Average Rating
10

(1 votes)


RatingRated by
10Charmr

You must login to vote

Pepper white was the shade of your eye,
enveloping an iris sky,
rained upon by storm cloud pupils
so dark and wide-and far from dry.

And I held my hand aloft,
empty and reaching for all to see,
not a scar in sight from anothers touch
alone is how I was to be.

Yet with the other I cradle my victor,
patient and pious and born since said sooth.
eagerly sweeps open to slice open my hymen
palm aloft now and bleeding-ashamed and uncouth.

You're shaking now-failed and clutching your breast
where I once guided the same knife under your hand,
to twist your emotion-too, through and out.
not like I'd hoped where embracing we stand.

Pepper white was the shade of your eye,
clear but wet-envisaging regret
so alone I'll remain here and
eternally subdued-a somnambulist
to this saddened lullaby.



Related Items

Comments

The following comments are for "pepper white"
by joeyjoejoe3

pepper white.
The first stanza is nothing short of inspired, man; that is really great stuff.

I wish I could say the same for the second stanza, but some things bothered me. Words like: aloft, pious, uncouth and victor. Do you use those words in everyday speech? Why do you use them here? They sound like antiques, compared to everything else. Just my opinion, so don't flame me; I think you could find better alternatives.

Commas and apostrophes are good things, might be worthwhile to use them. Helps the reader read.

( Posted by: die_daily [Member] On: June 30, 2004 )

kudos
thankyou both for you feedback, these are straight from old diaries so i appreciate your opinions.

yes youre right claire, it does fade to unstructured emotion-i seem to do that a lot but am undecided if the rawness is a good or bad style.

thanks die. have restructured and formatted it a bit better.

( Posted by: joeyjoejoe3 [Member] On: July 1, 2004 )





Add Your Comment

You Must be a member to post comments and ratings. If you are NOT already a member, signup now it only takes a few seconds!

All Fields are required

Commenting Guidelines:
  • All comments must be about the writing. Non-related comments will be deleted.
  • Flaming, derogatory or messages attacking other members well be deleted.
  • Adult/Sexual comments or messages will be deleted.
  • All subjects MUST be PG. No cursing in subjects.
  • All comments must follow the sites posting guidelines.
The purpose of commenting on Lit.Org is to help writers improve their writing. Please post constructive feedback to help the author improve their work.


Username:
Password:
Subject:
Comment:





Login:
Password: