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9.5

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9JEANNIE45
10Serendipity

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hovering overhead-dark,
domineering. almost as if it's
leering directly at you alone.
draining all life-to leave
only emotion and self reflection.

then most sudden of all-
rain pinning your mind
clearing all from the skies-
smoke and chemicals
leaving heavens so clear
that all can be seen.

the mood overcome by
the hue of precipitates
fruit ripping mind
from body to leave
a dogma of truth-
fear, happiness, all fall to the ground
and drain invisibly
through my path-swirling
round each footstep
demanding i abandon
hope and crave only the
thorns of each rose.

clarity gives me the
power to strive beyond
mere emotion and form
a will so strong
craving destruction

clouds take all, promise
nothing, but soar
to the ground drop by
drop-washing away
all to reveal clarity
and to revel in the void
left behind.



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Comments

The following comments are for "storm"
by joeyjoejoe3

Storm
Joeyjoejoe;
I enjoyed this read very much, but try capitalizing your [i] to [I] it reads alot better that way...

Blessings,
{{{Jeannie}}}

( Posted by: JEANNIE45 [Member] On: June 28, 2004 )

fruit ripping mind
The imagery and language in this poem is especially wonderful. lines like - "rain pinning your mind", "the mood overcome by/the hue of precipitates " and "and drain invisibly/through my path-swirling/round each footstep" are gorgeous.

I'm not sure about the rose image at the end of the third stanza, it seems sort of out of place in the rain.

And - please please forgive me for being especially dense tonight - but I'm not quite sure what happened in your ending. Do you think you're better off with the clarity and strength? Worse off? "craving destruction"? Do you sort of feel about the same, but, like a field after the rain, able to think better?

( Posted by: skytigress [Member] On: June 28, 2004 )

subjective...
wow...thankyou for your feedback-ive never shown these to anyone so appreciate whatever you have to say.

i see what you mean about the rose/thorns reference, i guess i couldve portrayed the same concept with a more relevant metaphor.

as for meaning-theres no such thing as dense, the reading is completely up to you.

( Posted by: joeyjoejoe3 [Member] On: July 1, 2004 )

Storm
I don't know what to comment on. I love everything in it!! I love the last part. The imagery and use of language is incredibly moving and ver powerful. thank you for sharing this. Definitely a favorite.

( Posted by: Serendipity [Member] On: July 6, 2004 )





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