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Smitings: A Lost Art?



There was a time, very, very, very long ago, when God (henceforth referred to as “Some Unknown Omnipresent Being” or “SUOB” so as not to offend atheists, the politically correct, or Congress) would smite people. We do not have smitings anymore. There are a small minority (read: my dad) who firmly believe we are overdue for some good, old-fashioned smitings. I’m pretty sure he’s old enough to have seen some of the original ones, and is feeling nostalgic. A few questions are raised, though: Why no more smitings? Are they legal? Is “smiting” actually a word?



After a bit of research, I discovered that in ancient times, SUOB apparently smited people for seemingly small transgressions. The smitings were usually carried out by bolts of lightning, thusly rendering the offender to small piles of ash. For larger transgressions, floods, fires, and the like were used. So, you ask, why no more smitings? There are two viewpoints to this question. The first is that there are no more smitings for the same reason there are no more colossal miracles, like resurrections. What that reason is has yet to be determined. Scientists are doing extensive research into the subject, however. There is some speculation that whenever anyone gets close to discovering the reasoning for this, they are promptly smited. These smitings are explained away as “lab incidents”. The other point is that there still are smitings; they occur quite often in Texas.

The legality of smitings is unknown. (For the sake of clarity, we’re ignoring the aforementioned point two in this answer.) Since SUOB carried out smitings, we are unsure if they could be governed. Or the argument could be presented that it is difficult to apply laws to bolts of smiting lightning. Or there is the claim that since Congress does not want to acknowledge the (possible) existence of SUOB, and as they are still debating whether lightning can actually strike people of it’s own accord, as they are having difficulty communicating with bolts of lightning (their frequent attempts account for a large portion of the national debt), a law against the word “smite” could be passed soon.

Is “smiting” actually a word? Well according to and article on the subject, the word “smit-” ::ZAP::


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Heaven doesn't want me and Hell's afraid I'll take over.


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Comments

The following comments are for "Smitings: A Lost Art?"
by SWHCgirl

humorous
I thought it was a funny little piece, though the overall point of the article wasn't clear. At least not to me, but I may be daft. Or stupid. Or something.

Parteepants

( Posted by: Richard Dani [Member] On: March 5, 2002 )

re: jessicanm
Uhm... this wasn't meant to be taken literally. I have two styles of writing: my columns, which are all humourous and joking; and my poetry, which is kinda my soul, for all to see. Most of my columns are just pointless scribbles (as parteepants pointed out ;) ).

( Posted by: SWHCgirl [Member] On: March 5, 2002 )

Good job
I liked it. I think I read it as it was intended, particularly when you mentioned politicians. (How can anyone say anything serious about them!)

But what I really wanted to mention is that my wife and I had the same conversation on where a particular piece should be placed. If your columns are all along the same lines, Funny and joking, then I think they are definately column material. They define a writer better than a blanket term like humor would. What is funny to some may not be to others. So it being posted in a column would cover that...

Of course, that is only my opinion...

( Posted by: The Hal [Member] On: March 5, 2002 )





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