so my bud larry had a game last night, his over-40 league. told me that the team they were facing had a guy with, supposedly, reportedly, a 90 mph fastball. so, a man needs advice. i told him this:
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>i'm sure you know that whenever you're facing a mean motherfucker with smoke, the first thing you do when you get to the plate is yell, "c'mon, nancy, let's see what ya got, girly-man! i like 'em inside, ya big pussy!" i hope you did that. also, it's good to have a little piece of a razor blade in your hat that you can pull
out surreptitiously when you charge the mound. (the perfect scenario is to end up on top of the guy in a big pile-up after the benches clear and then slice his achilles, but you know that
already.) anyway, i didn't see it on the local news, so i trust everything went more or less smoothly.
as for me, sometimes i think i've had about all i'm willing to take, but there's always something keeps a fellah going. today dr. _______, who is losing his mind to alzheimer's but still seeing a full load of patients, said: "blood pressure 120/82, pulse rate 60, respirations 16. HEENT: the patient .............. cannot find a place to park, and so we drove up to lake placid, where life takes an indirect slant toward albany, and ..... slicing through the plaster, we found a
variety of paint cans, which we would use later to good effect. normal S1, S2. regular rate and rhythm", etc. one day he went through an entire office note (on a patient whose only complaint was dyspnea on exertion) without a hitch until he got to the very end of the assessment & plan, and then said, "and now we now for sure that she will die." now that's fucking funny.
then, of course, there's the new horde of elderly men asking for viagra. "mr. dickhead, a 74-year-old former asbestos installer, has risk factors including hypertension, hyperlipidemia, family history of coronary disease, previous MI, sedentary lifestyle, continued tobacco abuse, and colon cancer. the patient is concerned about
erectile dysfunction and requests viagra." who is he fucking? can't be the wife. very few elderly female patients coming in complaining of vaginal dryness and reduced desire.
well. i had the decency to give it up when i was 42. quite british of me, eh what. but though i may have been a bit premature in my sexual monkishness, I have to wonder. now that men can have sex until the day they die (no rockefeller jokes, pls), will women do the same? only a matter of time, i suppose........ and then, will
we have a nation of senior citizens forgetting their children's names but dry-humping in their their hospital beds and hoverounds? it's a future i don't care to see.
no, let's face it: i'm amused by anything, potentially. "the boondocks", outkast, ralph nader, donald rumsfeld, ariel sharon, haiti, sudan. if i had the energy, if i was not limited by my sloth and girth, that heavy meal, that cocktail after my soul-sucking job - well, then i would surely charge it to my discover card, the one with the picture of the whale on it. does it count if i already sent money to the sierra club? does it count if i saw "the day after tomorrow"? i recycle, for fuck's sake. what counts? tally it up and tell me, wouldja? i'll write a fucking check. christ, you fucking people. i gotta get some sleep.