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It's one of those
sodden days
and my eyelids
droop like warped
wood. My mood

is soft and
angelic, bordering
on catatonic.
There is
a susurrus of

cars cutting
through the
rain and the fan
hums and swells
as it rotates. In

the umbrage of Fall
I yawn and curl
underneath the covers,
my second skin
in a secret season.

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The following comments are for "Seasonal Recluse"
by RachelCelia

Seasonal Recluse
Liked it. Alot. The only minor change I'd make has to do with structure:

cars cutting
the rain and the fan
hums and sweels
as it rotates. In

( Posted by: die_daily [Member] On: June 5, 2004 )

and I in my bed again
sounds a comfortable place. like the second skin thing! thanks

( Posted by: SamPark [Member] On: June 5, 2004 )

Good poem. Personally, I enjoyed the irreverent approach to the stanza breaks. I think you did a very good job in using words that create a clear, easy to visualize, evokative atmosphere. There seems to be something wrong with the last line, but it's hard to say exactly what. The poem might be strengthened by cutting it completely, although the alliteration is effective.

You are obviously a talented poet with a unique and refreshing voice. Excited about seeing more.

( Posted by: John Shade [Member] On: June 5, 2004 )

I like this poem, too. The warped wood image in the first stanza is wonderfully odd and works for me.

I had to look up the word "susurrus" (whispering, murmuring, rustling sound). Kind of esoteric, but then, I'm a big fan of the word, "crepuscule."

This is an excellent mood piece.

I'm confused about one thing: if it's Fall and you're under the covers, I assume the temperature is cool - why would you have the fan going?

( Posted by: gomarsoap [Member] On: June 5, 2004 )

This is my first poem on the site and I REALLY appreciate the feedback, especially the structure suggestion!

( Posted by: RachelCelia [Member] On: June 5, 2004 )

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