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Average Rating
2

(1 votes)


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2ammaji

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watchin the clock stop
pickin up beer tops
standing the lamp
back in the corner.

lookin at all the
dead heads ,
who's that in my bed?
wish I hadn't placed
such uh tall order,
and went ahead
an called her anyway.



well the count is down
and no one seems around
in the heat of the day.
yeah friends
have got opinions
but they also got some
shoes.

there aint nothing worse
when your head hurts
smellin old spice with
cigaretts an beer.

well all I can say
if my life
is meant this way
take me away from
here.
put me on the next train
or sit me in the wind
an rain,
anything would beat
the smell of sweaty
feet,
after all my friends
leave here.

yes I can see now
friends will help you out
but they won't be the one
who holds the lid
when you puke.

thought I was Bill Gates
women in my hands
for sure,
now look what
I found out,
after she done
took out,
there's uh hole
in my shirt and I aint sure
who's the jerk.

yeah some friends have got
opinions but I can tell yeah
when they bet you loose.
bet -ers and loosers
we swing together
first one door then
the other
before we
hit the ground.

some times its colder
then a witches shoulder
to count on one finger
what you got to loose.

yeah, friends have got
opinions but they also
got some shoes........
when you take answers
from some friends
one or the other
you got to chose.





------
CoCo


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Comments

The following comments are for "friends got opinions, but they also got some shoes"
by CoCo

shoes
well someone it was evident thought that my poem wasnt very good, thats ok,and your rating of 2 doesnt effect me in the least,actually that to me is simple and I found it comical.
opinions are very well to be taken as well as given right.....this poem a reminder of someone I use to know,so oh real life isnt always sweet.

( Posted by: CoCo [Member] On: June 4, 2004 )

well...
I don't think this poem merits a two, but it does need some work. First thing I noticed was that your lines seem to be a bit too broken up. It took away any flow from your lyrics and made it sound choppy.

Also, why do you keep on writing "yeah" instead of you? It doesn't make sense even as slang. One other bit of worthless slang was "placed such uh tall order" Why write "uh" instead of "a" they sound excatly the same.

Other than that, perhaps you could work on the language in this poem. It seemed to... simple, there was not much in terms of cever turns of phrases, or very well chosen and placed words, it was just... telling a story.

As I said, this merits better than a two, but it needs a bit of work.

( Posted by: Farror [Member] On: June 4, 2004 )

slang
sure it needs some work, the uh is making light of the way, they actually spoke, had to be there I guess....maybe you could help me clean it up with more ideas...I hardly think anyone any where deserves a two, the old saying: if you cant say anything good say nothing at all..anyway it was placed here for a reason,

( Posted by: coco [Member] On: June 5, 2004 )

clairebest
youre sweet claire, it really isnt that good, I know but it reminded me of how sometimes loved oneS ARE lined last when peered with pressure, tryin to get the approval of ppl who only want someone else in their sinking boat so they dont feel theyre drawning alone.. I appreciaTE YOU,,AND YOUR VISION TO SEE GOOD IN EVERYTHING,,THINK MAYBE I WAS HAVING TO MUCH OF A NEGATIVE DAY WITH PAST MEMORIES. THANKS

( Posted by: CoCo [Member] On: June 6, 2004 )





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