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Seeds shuffled in my palms seemed
so real, scuffled amoungst the dirt
brown and grey with age.
Green inside like
trees despite
their tough and thickened cage.

Five am with an hour of driving
behind, and still to go.
You come down the stairs,
all haze and blunted excitement.
Uncontained and new.

You fed my pent up rage, or maybe
a personal cage of brown and
grey.
Weathered through the storm,
and returned
unshamed, but damaged by the rain.

Twenty-four hours of reality still
twenty minutes to go.
Lying in your lap and speaking
unconcious words to you.

Love tossed about on waves of conversation seemed
so real, brave like ship-wrecked captains
you and I.
Red and white inside like
lovers despite
our tough and thickened cage.

------
"God grant me distraction."
-Zampano


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Comments

The following comments are for "How To Float the Screaming Thoughts"
by Darkshine Raven

Lovely piece
before I offer my little thoughts on this, let me say I think its a lovely metaphorical piece. I liked it very much. Take just a second to spell check a post before you send it;)

Seeds shuffled in my palms seemed

so real, scuffled amoungst the dirt
(sp. amongst)

brown and grey with age.

Green inside like

trees despite

their tough and thickened cage.
(this seems to need punctuation, the flow is too long)

Five am with an hour of driving ( am/A.M. needs to be capitalized)

behind, and still to go.
(still what to go?)

You come down the stairs,

all haze and blunted excitement.

Uncontained and new. (sentence fragment, needs to follow a comma, semi-colon or be completed)

You fed my pent up rage, or maybe

a personal cage of brown and
grey. (lost me here)

Weathered through the storm, (what was weathered? your rage? the cage?)

and returned

unshamed, but damaged by the rain.(sp. unashamed)

Twenty-four hours of reality still - (needs a comma here)

twenty minutes to go.

Lying in your lap and speaking

unconcious words to you. (sp.unconscious)


Love tossed about on waves of conversation seemed (bit of a run on here)

so real, brave like ship-wrecked captains

you and I.

Red and white inside like

lovers despite

our tough and thickened cage.

Hope this was helpful

( Posted by: TheMuseDiva [Member] On: May 26, 2004 )

Great poem!
I really loved this poem. But I am always a fan of your work.

The question TheMuseDiva asked about the second line in the second stanza, I read it as meaning you had driven and hour and still had an hour of driving left to do? Was that how it was meant? I actually thought that was one of my favorite lines. Thanks for the read.

( Posted by: EverybodyElsesGirl [Member] On: May 27, 2004 )

diva
I usually try to run my work through a couple different spellcheckers before I submit. However, as of late I've been pretty emotional which leads to my circumvention of logic and rebellion from it as well. Heh. As far as grammer goes...I'm not too worried about it because this is hardly a piece that is ready to be submitted anywhere. Not yet, at least. =D

Thanks and take care.

( Posted by: Darkshine Raven [Member] On: May 27, 2004 )

trip along

This is beautiful, I think.

At least what I understand of it is beautiful.

Well done.

( Posted by: John Shade [Member] On: May 27, 2004 )

HFST
yeah, this is good shit. there aren't any flow issues in the first stanza if you know how to read it, and i thought it was the best part of the poem.

singable, even. "green inside like trees despite" man. i like that for some reason.

kudos.

( Posted by: die_daily [Member] On: May 27, 2004 )

EverybodyElsesGirl
To answer your question, yes that is what was meant by that line. I personally thought that it was rather straight forward but we all read differently. But yes...you were right on in your interputation. =D

Thanks guys for your compliments. It makes me blush to be receiving them from such amazing writers as yourselves.

( Posted by: Darkshine Raven [Member] On: May 28, 2004 )





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