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Moustache Men
By
Greg Potocky

Scene 1:
(Carl is at the monthly local police trying out dressed in a sweat suit and headband ready to work out. Carl starts jogging in the spot and then jumps up on down which leads him to sprawling into the push up position. Two instructions are watching him from the side shaking their heads. Carl starts doing push ups then rolls over to his back and starts doing some sit ups. The two instructors start laughing at Carl. Carl hops up to his feet and, starts jogging in the spot again which leads to him to start shadow boxing)

Carl
Is that your purse?

(Carl swings a right hook)

Carl
Did you just run a red light?

(Carl swings a left hook)

Carl
(yelling)You will respect the law!

(Carl starts throwing combos into the and then runs over to the two instructors)

Carl
(while stretching)Constable Wright, Constable Smith nice to see you again. (cracks is neck) Iím ready for the work out.

(Constable Smith takes of his sunglasses)

Smith
Look Kenny.

Carl
Carl.

Smith
What?

Carl
My name itís Carl.

Smith
Whatever. It doesnít matter. The point is that weíve already told you three times now not to come back to the workouts. You just donít have what weíre looking for.

Carl
Yeah, but that was then and this is now and trust me Iíve improved a lot.

Smith
You never improve.

Carl
Oh come on man, look at these pipes.

(Carl flexes his muscles)

Wright
Look jackass, the answer is no and itís always going to be no! We have better things to do with our time then to watch you make an ass of yourself month after month.

Carl
You know what? I work my ass off month after month, year after year and what do I get? Nothing! Not even a good job Carl! Or youíre the man! Shit, I wouldnít even mind the odd hey thanks for saving my life Carl, hereís my wife go ahead and sleep with her itís on the house. No never nothing like this ever happens.

Wright
What are you getting at?

Carl
What am I getting at? Iíll tell you what Iím getting at. Wright you can take my badge but you can never take my pride.

Wright
You donít even have a badge.

(Carl reaches into his pocket and pulls out a toy badge then hesitates and hands it over to Wright and starts walking away then turns back)

Carl
Iíll be back next month.

(Wright shakes his head while Smith laughs)

End of Scene 1


Scene 2:
(Thatís What Friends Are Fore by Dianne Warwick plays as Carl is walking up his driveway with a backpack around his shoulder. Inside the house Eddie and Doug are waiting for him in side with party hats and blowers. Carl reaches the front door and hesitates to open it. On the inside Eddie and Doug hide to get ready to surprise him)

Eddie
Alright, here he comes.

(Carl opens the door and as he does that Eddie and Doug pop out from places)

Eddie
(Doug blows his party blower) Congratulations!

(Eddie is cut off by the sad look on Carlís face)

Carl
They turned me down again.

(Eddie takes off his party hat as Doug does a weak blow with his party blower and then Carl starts to cry)

Eddie
Hey come on, it ok man. Donít worry. There is always next month.

Carl
They said they donít ever want me to come back.

Doug
Isnít that what they said last month?

Carl
Yah, but this time it really hurts.

(Slow motion. Carl and Eddie hug and Doug starts bawling his eyes out and drags his party hat off his head and over his face. Carl cries while Eddie starts crying out mouths ďitís ok.Ē Carl and Eddie open up for Doug as the three of them hug and cry. Then Shannon walks in and immediately the music stops and they all stop crying)

Shannon
What the hell are you guys doing?

Eddie
We were um. You know practicing for our up coming football game.

(Shannon looks at them in disbelief as Carl whips his eyes)
Carl
Yeah, thatís right.

Doug
(yelling) All right team let try this again. Blue forty-two, blue forty-two.

(Doug stars jogging on the spot)

Doug
(yelling)Ready! Set! Hut! Hut!

(Carl, Eddie and all s tart pushing each other around and grunting. Shannon rolls her eyes)

Shannon
Whatever. Just knock it off. I swear if it wasnít for the fact that you morons donít charge me rent Iíd be out of here!

(The guys stop as Shannon walks away)

Doug
Yeah, well your not the one whoís getting the shaft! The only reason we donít charge you for rent is because we just want to see your boobs and hell we havenít even seen a boob!

(Shannon comes back and fingers Doug then leaves again)

Carl
She totally wants you.

Doug
No, no she totally wants us.

(Carl, Eddie and Doug and start laughing and giving each other high fives)

End of Scene 2











Scene 3:

(Carl, Eddie and Doug are sitting in their basement talking and throwing around a football. Carl and Doug are sitting on a couch and Eddie is sitting in a beer chair. Eddie has the football in his hands. Doug is eating a bowl of cereal.)

Eddie
I just donít get it. What do those jerk ass cops have against you?

(Eddie throws the football to Carl)

Carl
You know Eddie I ask myself the same question.

(Doug stuffs his mouth with cereal and takes the football away from Carl)

Doug
(with food in his mouth)Youíre too good man.

Carl
Really? You think so?

Doug
Oh easy!

(Doug throws the football to Eddie)

Eddie
Yeah, Dougís right

(Doug whips his mouth and gives a thumbs up to Carl)

Eddie
Youíre just way too good for them.

(Eddie throws the football to Carl)

Carl
True, but you guys know how bad I want to be a cop.

(Carl throws the football back to Eddie)

Eddie
I say to hell with them theyíre just a bunch of nazi bastards.


Carl
What do you mean?

Eddie
Think about it. Have you ever seen one black guy on the force? Hell, if I went there to try out theyíd probley think I was off of Americaís Most Wanted or Cops or something and use me as a practice dummy.

(Doug and Carl look at each other)

Doug
But Eddie your not black your Punjabi.

Eddie
Close enough. But do you get my point?

Carl
No, I donít get your point there have been plenty of coloured people on the force.

Doug
Yeah, like that cop that was charged with raping a woman, he was black.

Carl
And that cop that was caught drinking and driving, he was native.

Doug
Oh and what about the Asian cop that was actually an illegal immigrant.

Eddie
Oh yeah, yeah. What about the two white cops that were members of the KKK?

Carl
Ummm. I never herd of those guys.

Doug
That sounded like a racist comment Eddie.

(Eddie throws the football at Doug)

Doug
What was that for?

(Doug throws the football back at Eddie)

Doug
Dick!
(Eddie throws the football back at Doug)

Eddie
Boob!

(Doug catches the football as Shannon walks in the room)

Doug
Speaking of boobs!

(Doug throws the football at Shannonís chest but she catches it and throws it at Doug hitting him in the head)

Shannon
Shut up Doug. Move over.

(Doug moves over and Shannon sits between Carl and Doug. Doug constantly stares at Shannonís breasts)

Shannon
What are you retards going off about now? Doug stop looking at my tits.

Carl
Weíre still talking about how I didnít get into the force.

Shannon
Well, sitting around like a bunch of crybabies isnít going to do you any good. Why donít you guys do something about it?

Carl
Like what?

Eddie
Yeah, like what? Carl has already busted his ass off month after month.

Shannon
(sarcastic) I duno, maybe you should start your own police force. (laughs)

Doug
(still looking at Shannonís breasts) Yeah.

(Shannon hits Doug)

Shannon
Jesus fucking Christ Doug! I swear to God if I catch you looking at my tits one more time Iím going to rip your fucking balls off!
(Shannon walks off mad while Eddie and Doug laugh)

Eddie
(yelling) I donít know why you get so mad Shannon your tits are perfect! You should be proud.

Shannon
(yells off camera) Fuck you Doug!

Doug
(yelling)That wasnít even me!

Eddie
See man she totally digs you. Everyoneís voice is your voice to her.

(Doug and Eddie laugh and Doug throws the football to Eddie)

Carl
Guys, I think sheís right.

(Doug and Eddie calm down)

Doug
About what? Cutting off my balls?

(Eddie stands up and acts as if his balls have been cut off)

Eddie
Ouch.

(Eddie and Doug start laughing again)

Carl
No guys Iím talking about starting our own police force.

Doug
Yeah good one Carl!

(Eddie jumps out of his chair again and points his fingers at Doug as if they were guns)

Eddie
Freeze motherfucker youíre under arrest!

(Doug jumps up onto the couch)


Doug
Oh no!

(Eddie acts as if he is shooting Doug and Doug flops around like heís being shot)

Carl
Come on guys Iím being serious. Do you guys remember why I wanted to be a cop in the first place?

Eddie
Free Funeral?

Doug
Pick up chicks?

Carl
I wanted to clean up this town. I look around and all the cops around here do is eat donuts and beat up black people. I want to make a difference!

Eddie
Well, whatever you want to do Carl weíll help weíre your best buds.

Doug
Yeah, what he said.

Carl
Thanks guys. Weíre going to eliminate this town of criminals, hookers and drug dealers.

Doug
Can we keep the hookers?

Carl
(puzzled look on his face) Ok.

Eddie
Oh, and the drug dealers. I need my pot.

Carl
All right.

Doug
Wait a second you smoke pot?

Eddie
Donít all black people?

Doug
Yeah, but youíre notÖ

(Carl interrupts Doug)

Carl
Let it go man. Let it go.

(Carl jump up and off of the couch)

Carl
First things first. We need more officers. Iíll take care of that. Eddie I want you to get a training coarse set up for the recruits. You helped train me so I know I can trust you.

(Eddie jumps out of his chair)

Eddie
You got it Chief!

Carl
Doug! I want you to go to Wal-Mart. I want you to go to Kmart hell I even want you to go down to the dollar store and I want you to find me the best damn sheriff badges made for children ages three to six.

Doug
Oh, no not the dollar store.

(Carl grabs Doug by his shirt and bulls him up to his feet off the couch)

Carl
Thatís right I said the dollar store do you have a problem with that?

Doug
No, chief!

Carl
All right then boys let move out.

(All three of the guys are excited and about to run out of the room when Shannon walks in and they all immediately stop)

Shannon
You guys know I was only kidding right?

(All three of the guys look at each other and Doug turns to Shannon)

Doug
More boobs less talk.

(Carl, Eddie and Doug run out of the room and then Carl stops them)

Carl
Oh yah I forgot. We all have to grow moustaches.

Eddie
Why?

Doug
Yeah, why?

Carl
The moustache is a symble of authority. All great men from Jesus Christ to Adolph Hitler had mustaches and so shall we. For we shall beÖ The Moustache Men!

End of Scene 3

Scene 4:
(Running On Empty by Jackson Browne plays as it shows head Carl, Eddie, and Doug running around separately. Carl posts a poster on a pole advertising Moustache Men now hiring. A cut to Eddie doing jumping jacks, then grabs a paper and pen and writes down ďjumping jacks x10.Ē The screen then cuts to Doug running and then a shot of the Wal-Mart sign then back to Doug giving thumbs up. Cuts back to Carl sitting by the phone waiting. Cuts to Eddie running around a track in fast motion, and then passing out. Cuts back to Doug running back in for out front of Wall-mart. Cuts to Carl sitting at the phone getting mad made because no one is calling so he starts banging the phone on the table. Cuts to Eddie climbing over a fence then back over then tries to go under but gets stuck. Cuts to Doug running and then a shot of the Zellers sign then back to Doug giving thumbs up. Cuts to Carl outside looking around spots and points at him. The guy shakes his head and starts running. Carl Chases him and tackles him. Cuts to Eddie rolling around in a bunch of mud then jumping up then back into the mud. Cuts to Doug running and then a shot of a dollar store sign then back to Doug giving thumbs up. Cuts to all three of them separately running then meeting up and giving each other high fives and they all have moustaches now.)

End of Scene 4





Comments

The following comments are for "Moustache Men"
by CockyPotocky

NOTE* This is only the first 3 Scenes
NOTE* This is only the first 3 Scenes

( Posted by: CockyPotocky [Member] On: May 21, 2004 )

Men of power
This is very, very, very funny. I loved the casual laid back style. For some reason it reminds me a little of the 'Young Ones' (Brit Comedy) but a little more 'slick' then slapstick'.
Cool.

( Posted by: Emlyn [Member] On: May 23, 2004 )





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