Lit.Org - a community for readers and writers Advanced Search

Average Rating

(0 votes)

You must login to vote

Author's Note:
I'm submitting this under blogs because I'm not sure if this is me complaining, rambling, or if it could somehow become a poem. I like it, but it might need a lot of work. It's not really something I want picked apart, but at the same time I need some imput on if it's a worthy pursuit or not. Thanks guys, you all rock!

After twenty minutes of concentrating
I can't seem to write worth a shit.

So, I walk away and wait until
12am when I will lay by the side of my
friend/lover/mentor-ish bedmate
and watch him in the stiffled moonlight
that fights to get inside our dungeon.

His face will contain two thirds apathy
and one eighth meloncholy
with the remainder being some sort of
strange concoction of love and indulgence.
I'd spit off the bed to clense our sin.
What a shame.

Anyways, I will let my hands wander around
his body, hoping
to stir some sort of need in us or me
or him.
And then feel the reciprocal
cuddling indulgence.
And wonder.

Constructing all along
some sort of jilted explaination for
the story I told the last time I laid here
(last night).
Trying to define the structure of emotion
passing from mind to heart and back.

Eventually, I will become wound up in words
and he will doze and I will become
the immortal, ghostly stalker
floating around his bed.
Lay a kiss on his head and pass away myself.

In the morning light, the alarm will buzz
he will come back to bed
and wrap his arms around a non-descript body
he happens to find laying there.
A corpse,
a lover,
a friend?

He sees her ghostly face in my translucent smile,
and drifts away to wait until the call returns
to trudge back into the land of obligations.

Where I still cannot write a single fucking word.

"God grant me distraction."

Related Items


The following comments are for "Tall Tales"
by Darkshine Raven

first couple of lines were rather off-putting. im not partial to whining like that, i guess. the following three stanzas felt somewhat rigid, what with all the "i will this and i will that". i get an overall feeling of cynicism, you know, which is great, but i thought it could've been a little more ... point-blank. more naughty, dirty, and conversational. language, i mean. i liked the "what a shame." part. easily amused, i guess.

it's good an all, but the opening/ending lines give it this aire of cynicism that you may or may not have intended, but that i'd definitely develop further.

oh yeah, about that two-thirds apathy-blah-blah-blah, nice touch and all, but you can over do it, which i thought you did slightly. so ... um... there you go.

EDIT: didn't mean to pick this apart. haha. oh well. /lame comment.

( Posted by: die_daily [Member] On: May 17, 2004 )

intro & conclusion
Hi =D.

I liked the way it flowed from stanza three on. Intro and conclusion are just not quite right. I think longer than twenty minutes. "Fifty friggin/fucking minutes" or somthing longer than 20 anyways. Maybe staring at the screen or blank page or flashing cursor or not. Maybe just drop the "After". Something about the intro and conclusion. No I'm happy with the conclusion now.
Otherwise maybe 12am as "midnight" instead.

( Posted by: smithy [Member] On: May 19, 2004 )

hah, watch Amanda justify herself!
I find it funny that I'm commenting like this because I don't usually justify myself (I think), but it seems nessicary here to get some accurate feedback.

DD- Yes, this is very pessimistic and it is intended. This is me being pissed off because of a person in my life that I am struggling to understand. I can't write about him in a way that I feel justifies the situatin or the emotions. Am I right in assuming that what you are trying to say is that I should be more harsh? If so, you're right and I can definitely do that.

Micky- Great to see you around! I'd like to start by saying sorry for the lack of emailing has become rather tumultuious for me and that usually means me not having time to write emails or keep in touch with friends. Once things settle down (as in me actually having a home and a computer of my own) I will get back to you, I swear! =D

Okay, now I think that you're telling me that I need to be more clear about the bridge between the intro-body-conclusion. Is that right? It seems like maybe you were put off by the disconnection there...or maybe you were urging me to put more "omph" behind it like DD was? Once again, that can be done.

Wow, I rambled...and didn't really do too much justification. I think. Heh, anyways...thanks for your imput guys, I got my question answered and will definitely be working this into a cleaner, more forceful poem. Take care! =D

( Posted by: Darkshine Raven [Member] On: May 19, 2004 )

the bridge
Yes =D. It's a little whiney whereas you want exasperation methinks in the intro. Through stanza two it progressed into the more poetic style. That is the bridge I figure. Just needs tweaking a bit. As Die says and you picked up, a little more punch. Yes where are all those replies to my emails? I've been sitting by the computer waiting and checking, ringing up my server to check it's working, watching the rain tumble and the grass grow. (sigh) ;) hah! You know you are always welcome to email but don't worry otherwise. I enjoy your philosophies and ponderings. Plus I know you are busy with study and life in general. I'd rather see you writing creatively and always enjoy reading your work.

( Posted by: smithy [Member] On: May 19, 2004 )

Penelope- Good to see you again. =D I laughed at your thought of this doomed relationship because indeed, it truly is. I'm not in denial any further than the fact that I am still living with the man. *sigh* Perhaps I can move myself along on the summer breeze. I'm glad you liked my rambling.

Micky- I think I will write you. Now, in fact because I have a moment. You can always make me giggle and that's a valuable quality. ;) You will definitely be seeing a version of this poem with more punch around here soon. I've been up to some of my tricks with this one. =D Take care.

( Posted by: Darkshine Raven [Member] On: May 20, 2004 )

Add Your Comment

You Must be a member to post comments and ratings. If you are NOT already a member, signup now it only takes a few seconds!

All Fields are required

Commenting Guidelines:
  • All comments must be about the writing. Non-related comments will be deleted.
  • Flaming, derogatory or messages attacking other members well be deleted.
  • Adult/Sexual comments or messages will be deleted.
  • All subjects MUST be PG. No cursing in subjects.
  • All comments must follow the sites posting guidelines.
The purpose of commenting on Lit.Org is to help writers improve their writing. Please post constructive feedback to help the author improve their work.