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Some reverberated, even reached this age;
They flashed like windows
closing and opening before you-
Couldn't help but just have a glimpse
of what used to be,
of what used to be...

crystal face I kiss
tongue tastes like sweet cold rain
I fall into pond

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The following comments are for "What Used To Be"

Wrong word tense
Peter, in the first line I think "reverberated" should have been "reverberation" shouldn't it. But for that, I would have given it a 10.

I had to read it a number of times in different ways, but I always came to this same conclusion.

Nice way to frame this sentiment.

( Posted by: MaxiiJ [Member] On: May 18, 2004 )

what used to be..
short but meaningful....and very deep...congratulations...

( Posted by: rosebud [Member] On: May 18, 2004 )

Ars Poetica
I'm sorry man, but this just isn't very good. The opening line doesn't really say anything at all to give the reader a context in which to take the rest. Who or what "reverberated"? Plus it is syntacticaly flawed.

Is this meant to be an "Ou sont les neige" type poem or is it to mourn a loss?

I'm not fond of rigid adherence to convention but you've got to play fair and give the audience a half a chance or at least dress it up some so the confusion is tempered by entertainment.

( Posted by: Enforced Bliss [Member] On: May 18, 2004 )

What Used To Be
If the beginning (especially the first line) is cleaned up grammatically and used to guide the reader's interpretation of the poem, I think that this could be an excellent poem. john

( Posted by: john [Member] On: May 19, 2004 )

What Reverberated?
I think it is easy to understand what you wrote, Peter and reverberated is just the right word. You could have written: Some reverberated, some even reached this age; because that's what I think the first line really meant. I hope the others did notice that and didn't fuss around so much about the grammar. Anyway, this is poetry and we have something which we call POETIC LICENSE! Listen to Barry Manilow's song SANDRA: She DON'T even know what she's missin'... SEE?! AND WHAT REVERBERATED? Of course, WHAT USED TO BE is what REVERBERATED! Does someone encounter some thoughts sometimes of what happened in the past, flashing like windows? They are like visions the mind could see. Just like when I visited a cousin's new born baby one day. I was looking at the baby in her crib when something flashed in my mind: the colors and the style of my own crib when I was a baby. Who would say a man my age will still remember how my crib looked like? But it is really possible. That is why I think Peter's poem has a meaning that shouldn't be taken for granted. Criticism is good, but it should be carefully reflected upon whether it's correct. Come on guys, read again.

( Posted by: rainierthisyear [Member] On: May 19, 2004 )

it nice but could have been better
it's wasy to spot what you want to achieve, but it dies down on second reading, somehow it makes me want more of it, wishing it was part of a series of poems you made or the title may give it something new. could have been better but otherwise its ok.

( Posted by: webguy [Member] On: June 6, 2004 )

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