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You come to me and call my name.
and cannot see you are to blame.
there is no way to idealize.
when ones like you hypocricize.

this fight is thrust upon the blind.
who cannot see sameness of kind.
you push and wail about so much.
rot all that is with your dark touch.

for those who live without remorse.
you steer towards a different course.
too dark to see a light within.
they cannot try, they don't begin.

and in your tower you decree.
of dangers to all to all the free.
and try so hard to segregate.
to push mistrust and shovel hate.

for fear of other better ways.
where all could live in peace and trust.
or try to strive towards the just.
yet all you do is spread mistrust.

No maybe we won't get it right.
we might not have a vision in sight.
but to push disunity on man.
and frighten anyone you can.

when we wrought you to govern us.
built your palace with our trust.
hoping for peace, for right and ways
to bring our kind to better days.

when all you do is obfuscate.
spreading war, and madness and hate.
grubbing money from our hands.
spiritual plight in this land.

so when you came and call my name.
I cannot follow, its insane.
and so I push for better minds.
to bring another way this time.

And if I cannot, will not win.
even then I won't give in.
for if in thousands of these years.
we still live amidst these tears.

I understand that it takes time.
I am but one human mind.
but others will be here as well.
and what they can do I cannot tell.

And someday you will cease to be.
all you stand for will not be.
and when that is, then no remorse.
will be left for your dark course.

We will some day be what we dream.
and none will wail or cry or scream.
though it may take allmost too long.
it's always right and never wrong.



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Comments

The following comments are for "someday."
by Wally 5

someday
wally, this is brillaint,(other than a couple spelling mistakes). I particularly liked the 2nd stanza, although they all were a hit to the gut...In the 11th stanza, the last line, "and what they can do I cannot tell", I would change the "can", either omit it, or change it to "will"...and in the 9th stanza "so when you came and call my name", "call" should be "called"...however, those are minor complaints...this was a wonderful read...
Reba

( Posted by: Reba [Member] On: May 15, 2004 )

Way to Go, Wally!
This was an amazing read. "We will some day be what we dream" is such encourgment There is good balance between the dark and the light in this poem. Amazing, simply amazing!

( Posted by: witchy woman [Member] On: May 15, 2004 )

#9
Great insights passed along, good rhyme up until...

"for fear of other better ways.
where all could live in peace and trust.
or try to strive towards the just.
yet all you do is spread mistrust."

Can you see how the end of that first line throws this entire stanza off balance. The meaning is clear, but the flow is blown apart by the non-rhyming, unflowing word "ways."

There were also several lines with a word too many.

To check your meter count the measures in each line, then cut the unnecessary word (like "and") to match the tempo of the lines.

If I'm not sure what's wrong with one of my poems, but know something is, I use the dot/dash/!exclaimation system of checking the meter. Dot over the unpunctuated portion, dash over the punctuated portion (a portion does not have to be a complete word, but could be just a emphasized syllable and then and exclaimation mark over the dynamite word you want everyone to hear. The rhythm might be (..-), (..-), (..-!) or (-.), (-.), (-.),(!) (I hope you can visualize that in words).

( Posted by: MaxiiJ [Member] On: May 15, 2004 )

Cool..
I liked this piece Wally, I didn't
mind the meter being of count, I thought
you might have been tired or in a hurry
when you wrote this..

It was very well done..

My favorite lines

this fight is thrust upon the blind.
who cannot see sameness of kind.
you push and wail about so much.
rot all that is with your dark touch.

Congrats....Mouse..

( Posted by: raejon [Member] On: May 16, 2004 )

I Liked It!!
What a wonderful job on this piece! The sense of determination pervades this poem. It is a strong piece. Keep up the good work. You've come a long way, baby. Love your avitar!

( Posted by: The Demure 1 [Member] On: May 16, 2004 )

determination
There's a real sense of purpose behind this poem, puching it through. Actually, I suppose all of your work seems to have true purpose, actual points to make. Some clever rhyming, nice beat, and I wasn't thrown off at all by the meter shift. Actually, I thought it was there to signal the end of one point and the beginning of another.

Good work!

( Posted by: Viper9 [Member] On: May 16, 2004 )





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