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5MaxiiJ

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Painting a picture of the love we once had.
Showing the heart you once touched...
Ripping the picture,the only one we had.
Not out of anger...out of sorrow
It doesnt matter...nothing matters to you
Hope you live a happy life, because you will later see
I'm gone...not from you...from life
And inside...it makes me happier
That my troubles are gone
And my mistakes are vanished.
-Mandi


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Comments

The following comments are for "To whom it may concern..."
by reign

Pretty deep.
I'm taking a literature class as we speak, and right now we're studying poetry. So I wanted to get it right from the horse's mouth. What it seems like to me is that you're reminiscing of a love that somehow didn't seem quite real, and although the love was not real, the hearts were and yours was hurt. Please tell me if that's anywhere near what you meant, because I'm very interested to know. Thank you.

( Posted by: sixstrungout [Member] On: May 14, 2004 )

Try harder
I'm perplexed by this one. It could be good, but it isn't yet.

Without broaching the subject matter at all, for that no one has a right to comment upon that, it lacks clarity of motive, subject, and summary, the three main ingredients of any good writing. Some other ingredients are imagery, form and function, rhym, flow and ebb, etc. It probably expresses something you were feeling at the time, but it isn't formed in any way that lets ME feel what you were feeling, and that's what any good poetry is supposed to do. Even the abstract poetry forms use these well: as in Haiku Poetry.

Then also, in the first three lines you end with the word "had." That's not even a little bit inventive, evocative or rhyming.

It didn't pull me in, even a little. I think it could be something really good, given the subject, if you tried it again, maybe using a Synonym Finder for some of those less appealing words.

( Posted by: MaxiiJ [Member] On: May 15, 2004 )

to all of you...
sixstrungout...yes..you got it right on the dot...good luck with class.
jessica...now that you mention it, I have seen that episode, and Darlene drew her mother into tears. Thank you for actually listening to my words; my heart, in this piece.
maxii...all i have to say is that it was a time where i didnt have anything else to turn to and I chose to write..I didnt really do it to please anyone or show them my "knowledge" towards literature...but thanks, I guess, for being honest.

( Posted by: reign [Member] On: May 18, 2004 )





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