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For troubled times and troubled minds this world is not quite made.
At times it's hard to understand who's plans it is we've laid.
And in our hearts we strive to see what it is we've made.
But stirring in the darkness there is something left unsaid.

And as we muddle through our days we wonder and are lost.
Not seeing truly the whole scheme, never the true cost.
As hearts unused lay silently covered thick with frost.
Some look to what they might have been and wonder at the loss.

As we as one in our sad state lay our wolrd/souls to waste.
Some wonder who to fight with, what to rebel against.
but with us its just that one forgets those simple happy days.
they start to gain all in a quest of need and want and haste.

And others still are lost in fogs of meant and did and why.
while others then, are never found but in someones heart and eyes.
And through all this there are still some who live to tell thier lies.
Looking blindly at the world and trying in vain to hide.

But as the night, though dark and real,
truly all is ill cocealed.
And all will one day then be told as all will be revealed.
as lies are cleared, and selves are shown as if an onion peeled.
and all will be much better, when all is right and healed.

Though as to god or man you look just know that all are one.
and though some things cannot be seen some deeds should not be shuned.
For we are waiting with twisted hearts, for ideas that call to some.
and wether it is now or then some things need to be done.




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Comments

The following comments are for "calling......can't get through."
by wally 5

calling
I really liked this poem and its message...the first 2 stanzas really grabbed me and I like them just the way they are...however, the rest of it I think could use a little 'cleaning up'...in the 1st line of the 3rd stanza, should that be 'wander'?...I'm not sure, but I think wander would sound better there, if that's not what you intended...like I said, this piece is really good and I did enjoy it...but it got just a wee bit muddled after the first couple stanzas...just my opinion, and I haven't finished my 1st cup of coffee yet, so my mind is still a bit muddled...lol...good read in any case.
Reba

( Posted by: Reba [Member] On: May 13, 2004 )

Good Job!
I was taken back a bit by some of the words... but only because they would not have been my choice. But then, that's why I love to read others' poems... because they are not what I have already thought, words I have not already said.

I loved it, just the way it is, though I did have to read and re-read it to get the true "feel" of all your word choices. But that's a good thing.

I look forward to knowing more of what is in your heart.

( Posted by: MaxiiJ [Member] On: May 13, 2004 )

Deep and right up my street
I found this poetry coming out of you from a place where language sometimes falters...the heart.

This is my kind of poem, and yes, with a little bit of 'post operative work' it would flow easier and might even increase its 'power'.

But we got it in its raw unedited state and I think this is potent and brilliant!

Well Done

Ivor

( Posted by: ivordavies [Member] On: May 13, 2004 )

much appreciated.
Thank you very much for your comments. this was a piece that started out with me not knowing what to write about. I agree with you all that it falters after a while.....I was listening to music on my headphones which i hardly ever do while writing. So I had a hard time keeping the beat in my head seperate from the beat in my ears.
I may re-write it and your comments are very much appreciated.

( Posted by: wally 5 [Member] On: May 13, 2004 )

raw
While I agree that it could be helped by an edit, there's something raw and spectacular about this poem as it is, too. Perhaps an edit can make it even stronger. But I hope you don't change TOO much. I love the free=roaming, yet thematic, way your mind wanders throughout the poem. There's an end in sight from the first stanza, but you resist the temptation to shove your way there. Terrific work.

( Posted by: Viper9 [Member] On: May 14, 2004 )





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