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I wrote an essay for my english class last semester and the following is the introduction. It actually was the free-writing I did before we started the essay and all of it came straight from the emotions I was feeling at that time (about 5 months ago). Please let me know what you all think.

"Remember the drastic current of emotions that run through our minds when experiencing the thrill of riding on a roller coaster for the very first time? There's that calm feeling when the carts first begin to move, then the anticipation as you drift up towards the top of the tracks and once there, that feeling as if you're on top of the world, where you feel safe and protected as if no one can even reach you. However, when you look ahead and notice the curve of the tracks dropping straight towards the ground, you realize a new emotion emerge into existence: fear. The frightening thought of never seeing your friends and family again should the cart malfunction and somehow throw you off the tracks, clashing into the earth below. Then, as the car speeds up while traveling the steep hill downward, you pray that something will save you from this uncontrollable turmoil.

This stream of emotions that takes place only within minutes is much like the feelings floating around in a violent relationship. One moment you feel so safe and secure with the one you love right beside you, making you feel like nothing will ever harm you; then the very next moment, it's as if everything you fought so hard for plummets down to nothing. You find yourself struggling against the force of something so much stronger than you and you cannot even attempt to fight back. That force is the strength of the one you believed would never hurt you, would do anything in his power to keep you away from harm. Just when you feel like you can't go on fighting this incredibly powerful fierceness, something saves you and allows you to carry on at least until the next time it happens. If there is a next time, that is. However, some victims are not so lucky."


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"True beauty is seen through closed eyes."



Comments

The following comments are for "Hostility Within the Household - intro"
by babygurl

Presumption's limits & wrong words
You have presented the pros and cons of dysfunctional relationships with eloquence and insight few young people possess, and it is done in terms that even an idiot must acknowledge understanding! That part is very well done. Unfortunately, for you, it is a truth revealed that only having done can know. Get out... if you haven't already! And never look back.

As to the information actually written: this presentation is called "presumption" in that you address it as if it is a subject everyone has experienced. It is not. It is sufficient for at least a quarter of the US population, and even less overseas, for us to learn from others experiences. Life gave me enough of those rides that I never wanted to fake even one! You said, "Remember (as though everyone had such a reservoir in their memory) the drastic current of emotions that run through our minds when experiencing the thrill of riding on a roller coaster..." Presumption excludes many people at the very beginning of your idea, therefore they read no farther.

This sentence is perfect IF all those you are ultimately addressing have the same experience. Otherwise, the correct structure would be in the form of a question... "Can you remember?..." or "Have you ever known..." etc.

The second item I feel the need to address may be a typo, oro just the wrong use of a word. It is found in your sentence... "somehow throw you off the tracks, clashing into the earth below." The word "Clashing" indicates an interaction between two ACTIVE objects, as in people fighting, singers trying to out do each other, etc. "Crashing" would have been my choice of words, as it indicates one active thing interacting with one inanimate object, as a car into a tree, etc. I think, given the rest of your presentation, that this word usage was a typo: in which case you need to check your text carefully for what it actually says, not reading into it what you thought you said. Now, THAT is a tough job! That's one of my shortcomings, too. Which is one reason editors usually get such a whopping salary!

You've got a great beginning here! I'd be interested to read the rest.

( Posted by: MaxiiJ [Member] On: May 13, 2004 )





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