Lit.Org - a community for readers and writers Advanced Search
 




Average Rating
8

(1 votes)


RatingRated by
8MaxiiJ

You must login to vote

I know that youíre the only light I see,
Cause when weíre associated Iím always filled with glee.

When weíre together I feel the passion unfold.
Its like that mysterious love feeling untold.

When you hold me I feel the adrenaline rush of seducing sensations.
You donít understand cause at that point everything becomes such a sweet temptation.

I know youíve been hurt so many times before.
I promise I wouldnít dare, you my whole life, my inside core.

If we were together, every feeling inside you I would awake.
I wish I could hold on to you just one more time for old time sake.



I know when we kissed it wasnít meant to be.
Are you blind, tell me what part you canít see.



I have to be with you somehow, someway.
Iíll do anything no matter what cost I have to pay.



You donít understand how happy I am when Iím with you.
I swear every touch, feeling, kiss, its all true.



Sooner or later my feelings will come out.
I know I cant keep them locked in I think without a doubt.



But if I spoke up, what would you do?
Would even consider the thought of loving me too?

Youíre heaven to me, I love you so much.
Please come back to me so can feel your soft, tender touch.



If you were here right now Iíd tell you every last thought.
I know age is a problem but I canít help how I feel Iíve consequently been taught.



If we canít be together then letís dream out loud.
In our dreams we can do anything, lie on a comfy, cozy cloud.



For now I have to say goodbye,
And yes of course I will cry.



For now my heart I am sealing.
I swear everything will remain true, every last little feeling.


------
Courtney Knirk



Comments

The following comments are for "Every Last Little Feeling"
by yamahachick

Things omitted
Great thoughts, though some of the phrasing is (what I consider) trite. Also, some of the meter needs work to flow right, and some sentences (as below) need a key word. Rethink these lines.


I promise I wouldnít dare, you my whole life, my inside core.


I know I cant keep them locked in I think without a doubt.

I know age is a problem but I canít help how I feel Iíve consequently been taught.

( Posted by: MaxiiJ [Member] On: May 13, 2004 )

welcome to the site
Courtney, there's a lot going on here, but you're clouding the fire with too much smoke. You express
the confusion of young passion well. However, you need to cut a lot of unnecessary words if you want impact. As you gain in experience, you'll do this instinctively. Don't forget, everyone starts somewhere. I look forwrad to your next post.
Ciao
Paul the Ogg

( Posted by: Ogg [Member] On: May 14, 2004 )





Add Your Comment

You Must be a member to post comments and ratings. If you are NOT already a member, signup now it only takes a few seconds!

All Fields are required

Commenting Guidelines:
  • All comments must be about the writing. Non-related comments will be deleted.
  • Flaming, derogatory or messages attacking other members well be deleted.
  • Adult/Sexual comments or messages will be deleted.
  • All subjects MUST be PG. No cursing in subjects.
  • All comments must follow the sites posting guidelines.
The purpose of commenting on Lit.Org is to help writers improve their writing. Please post constructive feedback to help the author improve their work.


Username:
Password:
Subject:
Comment:





Login:
Password: