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Tracing tongues and words unsaid,
planted in your head
like microscopic bombs.

Phone calls, shelters,
think of helter-skelter
angry slaps and thoughts of us
and misplaced kisses.
Your love misses
like thorns on roses.

Dodging bullets,
pitching tents.
Kick me out, I have no rent.
Don't ask.
Don't tell.
This is not going quite so well.

I don't pick up the phone.
You're alone.
And waiting.
Or not, I am the one who is waiting.

And taking your bait.
You'll see like the melody
on your broken thoughts
or heart
or your hungry stomach
I got the chocolate
leap through the hoop?

I love you now repeat after me...

Yes my precious one,
have your treat and don't cry to sleep.
I'm the one who cries
for you and I.

Give me a rope to tie you down.
Disappear now.
And take your mattress with you.

"God grant me distraction."

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The following comments are for "A Summation of Our Relations"
by Darkshine Raven

DS....Glad to see You
Posting again. I know school has you busy.
My,my DS, I love this. Especially the second stanza,[6th line]
(Your love misses me, like thorns on roses) I hope to see more of your work.


( Posted by: JEANNIE45 [Member] On: May 8, 2004 )

I think this is a wonderful poem. I think the last stanza is my favorite! You do great work.

( Posted by: EverybodyElsesGirl [Member] On: May 8, 2004 )


I really enjoyed this poem. The off kilter rhyme in the opening portions was superbly done, and I was left a bit disappointed when it didn't carry on til the end. But even having said that this is perhaps one of the top 3 poems of your I've read. I'm hoping this means that we'll be seeing more of your work around here again.


( Posted by: Bartleby [Member] On: May 8, 2004 )

back again!
hey DS,

glad you're back. i was thinking that this end of school business was keeping you away. me too. but it's calming now, no?

and now to this poem.
i agree with bart, it's up there in terms of work i've seen from you. subtle and clear. i also was really digging the internal rhyme scheme in the 2nd stanza and i think you could do more with it. it's fun to play with... i did some of that for the first time in my "latissimus yielding," recently posted.

i have to wonder if "dodging bullets" isn't a little strong. if you're setting it up like a metaphor, i might recommend doing it a little more clearly... because they're not actual bullets, are they?

and i can't pretend i don't know that you stole that last line from cake, missy. :)

as ever,

( Posted by: ark [Member] On: May 9, 2004 )

water ballons? Naw ark, I think that I like the strenght of bullets because of the danger I was trying to express. Actually though, I think dodging bullets is a bit cliched of a phrase. I'll have to go looking for a new one.

As for the internal rhyme scheme, that was completely accidental. As always, I pretty much wrote this on the spur of the moment and is presented with minimal or no editing of my own. I'll have to work on maintaining that rhyming for the sake of the poem. =D

Thank you guys for all your sweet words. *huge hugs* I'm glad to have a free moment to spend here. Unfortunately, it will be disgustingly mostly because I am in the process of finding a job, a home, managing school politics, and trying to attend summer classes. And some romantic confusion in there and you have quite a stew...which is what I'm in. =D Hopefully my visits and chances to comment will become semi-regular again. Until then, I'm glad to see you guys are still here kicking some ass! Keep it up my friends. =D

ps- ark, you say "steal" I say "tribute". ;)

( Posted by: Darkshine Raven [Member] On: May 10, 2004 )

it's only a tribute if... attribute the line to its original owner, silly...


( Posted by: ark [Member] On: May 10, 2004 )

you got me
Of course you're right, but I have to point out (because I am stubborn) that the line isn't actually a rip-off, it's just a similar line. It was meant to be a nod to Cake because I love them and that line in particular, but I was careful not to rip it off word for word. Heh. Okay, I'm done justifying now. =D

( Posted by: Darkshine Raven [Member] On: May 14, 2004 )

I like
I llike this latest direction of your work, you're really getting somewhere. Tyr to do this more often, we enjoy your time with us.


( Posted by: johnlibertus [Member] On: May 14, 2004 )

Many thanks to you. Your supportive words mean alot to me. As for the direction of my writing...I like it too although I can't say I like the cause of it. If I could only chose what inspired me. ;)

I certainly hope I will be around more often. =D

( Posted by: Darkshine Raven [Member] On: May 14, 2004 )

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