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Thanks to all who have commented. I think a little background is needed here. This is a poem i wrote when i thought that i was losing my best friend.

Friends
10 down 2 to go
no one cares
because i'm alone
but that's fine
i'm up here so high
wondering why
our friendship is gone
i remember when
we used to sit and talk
just you and me
you taught me how to smile
When i wanted to cry
I told you everything
you tried to help
I used to feel happy
when i saw your face
but now all i feel
is sadness about what used to be
you used to be my big brother
like the one i wish i had
you'd listen
not judge
now
now you seemed to be on a pedstal
that i can no longer reach
but thats ok
you havd new friends now
I'm not part
but i won't cry
that would make you sad
Even though we are hardly friends
I'd like to think
you still care about me
I miss you big brother
but i will miss you more
If you leave my life
you were the first to know
if I was feeling blue
I wish you could see
how much I care
You know everything about me
and still you were my friend
Your new friends are more fun
I don't mind i am a bit of a bummer
bye, bye big brother
Have fun from now on
no more talks
or feeling sorry for myself
The pain is in my heart
but i don't mind
I know your life is better now
so go have fun
if you need me
I'll be here
Thats all i have to say
Big Brother
I'll fo so high again
and watch your new life
from up here
and if i fall
Do not cry
For i have had many fun times
memories all I have now
of good times and bad
Bye Big Brother
I love and miss you
-P.B. Hedwig


------
Blackbird sing in the dead of night. Take these broken wings and learn to fly.All your life.
-john lennon and Paul McCartney


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The following comments are for "Friends"
by P.B. Hedwig

told you
To all,
My spelling sucks especially when i don't check it there is one line with a mistake it should read:I'll go so high again. the line is toward the end, sorry about that
-P.B. Hedwig

( Posted by: P.B. Hedwig [Member] On: February 18, 2002 )

emotional but unorganized
I managed to have time to give this one a good look, and I know I'm probably going to be cutting my throat for something like this, but I must say that when it comes to poetry, I believe poetry must have one or both of two things: a noticeable and ordered rhyme scheme or a sense of meter. A passage that lacks both, I feel, does not flow, and is rather a jumbled mess of thoughts. Now, I've been in your shoes a couple of times concerning the substance of this passage, so I understand what the speaker is going through. This is an emotional passage, but it is far too free verse for my taste. There's no meter at all, that can't be in dispute, but if there's some rhyme scheme that I'm not picking up on, it's perhaps because it is too late at night for judgement to get the better of me.

The substance of the poem makes up for the lack of organization, but not by much. Please don't think me harsh, since I am barely new to this place and this being the first time I have read your work, it is hardly personal.

Roehl

( Posted by: TachyonOne [Member] On: February 19, 2002 )

roehl
Roehl,
Like I wrote on my other poems, my mechanics in writing are not the best. Looking over this I did type it up quickly and in my own head i put in the comma and periods. Also, this was the first real poem i ever wrote and i didn't/can't really go over it and fix it. Like you said it was an emotional poem and i hope that at least the message was sent. Thank you for the critism though, this is why i posted some of my work i wanted people that i didn't know to give their honest opinion.
-P.B. Hedwig

( Posted by: P.B. Hedwig [Member] On: February 19, 2002 )





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