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Average Rating
9.33

(3 votes)


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9chapter1
9Pawn
10Spudley

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I fell in love with the checkout girl
for the two minutes it takes
to bag up one dispozable razor,
two six-packs of beer,
and three boxes of PopTarts.

I think it's the knowing
look in her eyes
she can read bachelor
between the lines of my receipt,
she imagines that
I'm a fixer-upper
that she could turn
a one toothbrush bathroom
into white picket fences
with just the right amount
of her after market charms.

She's librarian sexy,
her hair swept off
her neck to match
the old fasioned wire framing
her cornflower blues.
I want to taste her lips
in the space of a blink
but all I get is a smile
and the weight of coins
in my upturned palm.

Love in the Express Lane
is fleeting,
twenty items or less
keep her smile in your pocket
along with your change
but move along
Gatorade and multivitamins
is anxious for a turn.

------
Smile if you're stupid,
laugh if you understand.


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Comments

The following comments are for "Checkout Girl"
by Bartleby

Wow
I'm a big fan of this one! Tells such a great story of a thirty second exchange. Nice job.

One suggestion, last stanza, I think it should read "Express Lane," I believe they're called lanes. Maybe I'm wrong, just a thought.

Thanks for the great read.

( Posted by: Everybodyelsesgirl [Member] On: May 3, 2004 )

stunning.
Bart, this is up there with your best. A masterpiece. It goes straight into my favorites list, and it gets a 10/10 because I'm feeling generous. :)
I can't fault it.

( Posted by: Spudley [Member] On: May 3, 2004 )

Good
I like it, Bart.

( Posted by: mkminion [Member] On: May 3, 2004 )

Empty pockets
As usualy, Bart, you take your turn at the interactions between people and turn it into an everday masterpiece. An excellent part of your repetoire. Well done

-Kitten

( Posted by: Kitten Courna [Member] On: May 3, 2004 )

Brilliant.
This would be my first comment here, having momentarily migrated from writingforums.com. They told me I was only eating half the cake by not coming here, and apparently they were more than right. This was utterly excellent. The best poem I have read in some time. Pat on the back for you then eh.

( Posted by: Pawn [Member] On: May 3, 2004 )

another great piece from you Bart!
it's just a shame you seem to have me mixed with someone else, i wasn't working that day!

well done!!

( Posted by: man eating maniac [Member] On: May 4, 2004 )

Line Check, Aisle Bart
This is brilliant -- another little masterpiece, I must say. I think I like it even more than your Greasy Spoon poem. What was the retitled name of that one? At any rate, you seem to have a knack for capturing these overlooked everyday moments.

I do have two nit-picky points -- the first is but an echo of Everybodyelse'sGirl's remark, that "line" really should read "lane". The other is the unnecessary repetition of "librarian" as an adjective -- I think there could be a better way to describe her hair style, really, without over-using the same qualifier.

But these are such minute quibbles. I love this poem, especially the way you described her ability to imagine turning your one tooth brush bathroom into pick fences with after hours charm. Brilliant! Genius! Ah.

( Posted by: hazelfaern [Member] On: May 4, 2004 )

many thanks
First of all thanks to everyone who's taken the time to both read and respond to this little poem. I'll admit I'm quite a bit suprised at how well received this piece has been. I almost didn't post it. It felt weak. Maybe I'm setting the bar too high, but that's a topic for somewhere else.

As far as the edits EEG and Hazel suggested, they've been taken care of. The repetition of librarian was a typo, and the line vs lane thing came out in the reader's favor.

And the 'Greasy Spoon' poem was titled "Eyes Grown Hard" just to clarify.

Bart

( Posted by: Bartleby [Member] On: May 4, 2004 )

Check out girl
I like your style more with every word!!! This is great, one of my favorites!!!

( Posted by: nae411 [Member] On: May 6, 2004 )





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