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8.5

(2 votes)


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10LovesEssence
7Spudley

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Expected to live on this meager amount,
the check they send scant feeds a mouse.
How did they decide this disparaged account,
Why, it barely covers the rent for this house.

I clip every coupon,I buy day old bread.
Call this living,they're out of their head.
This simply behooves me,it must be a joke.
The price of milk almost made me choke.

Prices keep soaring,things large or small.
This cutting corners is making me bald.
A raise of ten dollars,a blissful delight.
Envisions the halt of the unending plight.












------
Lorraine


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Comments

The following comments are for "The check"
by Lorraine

Cute:)
I love this little rant:)It's so cute and so relatable.

( Posted by: LovesEssence [Member] On: May 3, 2004 )

Punch lines
Lorraine,
Yeh, the difficulyies of surviving. Poems should raise feelings and make people want to comment on the subject, more than praise or demise the author. This one certainly does that! I love the irony in the last two lines.

keep up the good work

Ivor

( Posted by: ivordavies [Member] On: May 3, 2004 )

Commiseration...
Being a starving student, I know oh-too-well the life of a coupon clipper ;) The content hit home, and it had an upbeat feel to it. That being said, some of the rhymes didn't do it for me. The 'bread/head' just didn't seem to flow. Not being a very good poet myself, I can't tell you how to fix it (but I can leave that up to you haha), but when I read poetry I like it to be smooth and to flow. *thumbs up*

-SD

( Posted by: strangedaze [Member] On: May 3, 2004 )

nice
I liked the theme here. Interesting choice of style for it - the upbeat rhyming scheme was a bit at odds with the theme, but it worked well for it.

"behooves" - I was really unsure about this word here. It just didn't seem to fit with the rest of the poem. But that was just my opinion.

"disparaged" - I can see why you chose this word. I think I would have used 'disparaging' instead, but there's not really much of a difference.

Anyway, it's a nice one. Thank you :)

( Posted by: Spudley [Member] On: May 3, 2004 )

The Check
Thank you all for your encouraging comments.Spudley,I never even thought of using disparaging,instead of disparaged.I kind of like it both ways.I liked Love Essence comment about it being a rant.Didn't think of that either.I guess it could be a rant,Goodness knows I'm sick of trying to make money stretch all the time.I find it alittle humorous.I feel I have so much to learn and I'm very grateful that you all took the time to give your view points.That was very gracious of all of you.I consider it an honour.Thank you all once again..My Best Lorraine

( Posted by: Lorraine [Member] On: May 3, 2004 )





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