I didn't want to tell you, but it's still there. It's still crawling around in my head, lurking in the dark corners. It's clawing at the walls, breaking through the maze. It's winding around inside me, seeking something I can not give it. It leaves me feeling barren and cold, until nothing will satiate the hunger that it carries in its wake. This shadow that passes through me and rips at the ceiling of all that I believe, that empties me out onto the floor. The demon inside me that longs for the heat of your mouth, longs only to crush that mouth, longs only for the challenge. The dark creature that I created once in a distant past, that has become the most intricate part of who I am. It dominates so many things, lying hidden within, gnawing at my guts, snarling at the cage in which is bound. It frightens me still, yet beckons me closer. It is everything and nothing to me. It is my greatest fear, and yet my only ally in a world that would devour me.
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Are you scared yet? Do you wonder what it is you've gotten into? Have I sufficiently revealed it to you, this blind rage, this hateful creature that dwells inside me, is a deep part of me? Have you seen my face turn black with rage? Could you still understand me when I started to beat myself, my life, and all the world around me, against the walls inside my head? Against the walls that make these rooms in which we live? These gilded cages that try to trap me? Do you see me now? Do you still want me like this? Would you still want me, if I tore your lip, raked your back, and kissed you so hard I bruised you? Would you still love me when I turn viscious, abusive, when I let the beast control me, and I say the things that I don't mean? Would you? Could you? Will you? Can you survive?
...I'll be harmony to every lonely long, that you learn to play. When you're soaring through the air, I'll be your solid ground. Take every chance you dare, I'll still be there, when you come back down, when you come back down."
I love her. I just want to be close to her right now. That's all that I need is to be held in her arms, to have that reassurance that those arms won't ever be closed to me.
"I'll keep looking up, awaiting your return. My greatest fear will be that you will crash and burn, and I won't feel your fire. I'll be the other hand that always holds a line, connecting in between, your sweet heart and mine. I'm strung out on that wire."
Why do I get so afraid sometimes that I'm going to lose her? What is this irrational fear that I have? I don't understand it and yet I do. I understand it because I have let so many things slip through my fingers through my own negligence. Even now, I still feel like the things that happened with my ex... THE ex, were in some way my fault. I'm beyond wanting her back. I'm beyond mourning over it. I am not beyond the fears and self doubt that it instilled in me. Those wounds are things that go even deeper. I'm not beyond the hurt that was caused, and the mistrust in even something as wonderful as love. Love can be unrequited, unreciprocated, and unwanted. I always worry that my love will be rejected. It all goes back to those stupid insecurities, and self doubts, the constant wondering if I'll ever be good enough for anyone, especially myself. I usually think that I'll never see the things that she does, that I'll never be able to see the beauty that she does, or even the talent she seems to think I have. All I know is that I often feel like I'm pushing myself towards some goal that even I do not ultimately perceive, and yet the drive to reach it is insane. I constantly feel like I am falling short, even though I don't know what it is I'm falling short of.
"And I'll be on the other end, to hear you when you call. Angel you were born to fly, and when you get too high, I'll catch you when you fall."
"Your memory's the sunshine every new day brings, I know the sky is calling, angel let me help you with your wings. Take every chance you dare, I'll still be there, when you come back down."
I love that song, because it best describes how I feel about all of this. Even if I were to let her go in the small degrees that I think I am going to have to start letting go, I would still wait around. I would still love her just as much, no matter what the time or distance. Maybe that is the most frightening part, is knowing in my heart, that I could never give this up, because it has become a part of who I am. It is something I cherish and I want to keep in my life. I've had very few things come through, that have been like that.
All that's in my mind, is those words we never say but always hear falling between the cracks.