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Singing a song
in her heart
the song of a life
a world torn apart

She cried many tears
tears of blood
she loved him dearly
he was sent from above

This song was short
short and sweet
but the words cut thru
long and deep

Whoever heard this
was bound to cry
for the day she sung it
was the day she died.


Ashlyn Nicole Milligan

Copyright 2004 Ashlyn N. Milligan


------
~Meny Penny



Comments

The following comments are for "A Song"
by SaeDii69

Rhythm's off
Ashlyn, no matter how I read your poem, and I did it many times, your second line in each verse is flat. If it goes to a tune, the tune must be followed regardless of poem rhythm, but if not, and you intend it to have its own rhythm, it doesn't seem to do that as is.

I inserted an "a" into the second line and it changes the rhythm. Read it yourself like:

Singing a song
a in her heart
the song of a life
a world torn apart

Sometimes we just need a little something to catch the rhythm. Hope this doesn't offend you. I really like the presentation.

( Posted by: MaxiiJ [Member] On: April 30, 2004 )

Thank you
Constructive criticism does not offend me, I appreciate it. Every poet needs it once in awhile. In my head it has its own set rhythm, I see where you are coming from and I am going to try to fix that. I realize that its kind of hard for other people to hear the rhythm in my head. :)

( Posted by: SaeDii69 [Member] On: April 30, 2004 )





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