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“Found one that looks like a frog.”

“Next to the Pope?”

“Yeah.”

“I saw it like a minute ago; I thought it was an anvil, but I guess you can kind of see the eye.”

The clouds were racing overhead, steel-gray and swift. They covered most of the sky, except off at the end of the valley, and they were heading there. Jenna and I had gone to the hill after school to hang out, but the clouds had turned from cumulus to nimbostratus pretty quick, which made spotting shapes almost impossible. We kept at it, though, in an effort to maintain the whimsy of the moment. You can’t really force whimsy, but I think we did OK.

“Do you want to head to my house?” I asked.

“No,” she said. “I’d rather head home and study for the math test tomorrow.”

“But that’s exactly why you’re here. You know you don’t want to study, right?”

”Yeah, but I should. My average sucks,” Jenna said. The sky rumbled overhead, cracking and groaning like an old door. I looked away from Jenna for a moment to look up at the clouds, and a raindrop smacked me in the forehead. I saw lightning flash, the kind that lights up most of the sky, then goes another two or three times really quick. A second later, I heard another thundercrack and the sky opened itself. I jumped up, brushed the grass off my ass, and offered Jenna my hand.

She took it. We bolted for my house, down past the bottom of the hill, and a few houses up, hand in hand. A minute later we reached my house, and I wrung out my shirt on the front porch.

“Jeez! That was quick. You want to come inside and call your parents, or do you want me to give you a ride, or something?” I asked.

“No, I’d rather just wait outside,” she replied. I didn’t know whether or not she was serious, but she remained outside on a bench when I went in. I headed upstairs, changed shirts, and went back down.

“Do you want a sweatshirt or something?” I asked her when I opened the front door.

“It’s all right. I’m going home in a minute anyway, right?” She looked up at me. I sat down.

“Right. You want to go out sometime?”

“Where?”

“I don’t know,” I answered. “Does it matter?”

“I guess not,” she laughed. “Sure. I’ll go.”


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Comments

The following comments are for "Clouds"
by Washer

Dialogue.
Nice one.

The lightning really did put the flash into flash fiction. :) I liked the sudden change in pace when the storm arrived. Very good.

The dialogue was well written. It was believable and sharp - every word was used to build the characters. In fact, the writing was pretty good all round. Well done.

Just one bit I would pick up on - when they arrived at the house, I tripped over the sentences a bit: "Jeez! That was quick..." - I'm not sure that part of the sentence was needed; it felt a bit awkward. Other than that, good stuff.

( Posted by: Spudley [Member] On: April 23, 2004 )

Review
I found you! I am misanthropic muse from fictionpress, returning your review. I actually opened an account here for that purpose.
"They covered most of the sky, except off at the end of the valley,"
I think this sentence was a bit confusing because it seemed like you were comparing the valley to sky. Like saying "the grass covered the whole plain, except for the sky" Just try and make that clearer. ^__^
"but I think we did OK." This is probably a pointless comment, but okay instead of OK.
"She" whoever she is, says right at the end of her sentences. Just a note.
The characters were really natural and realistic, and you showed their personalities through their diaogue, which is the best way (and something I wish I could do more of). All the best!

( Posted by: cheshirecat [Member] On: July 5, 2005 )





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