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Whispers fly through the halls of [my high school], as they do through every school, about barbaric and imposing seniors. We, the seniors, are a race of giants and brutes whose sole purpose it is to crush the wills of our fellow students, it would seem. We storm through the halls, our heads lowered in the manner of a charging bull, our breath snorting out from our noses in whiffs of masculine challenge. And should a meek and innocent freshman cross our path, we will swarm him with unchecked fury and unleash our wrath upon him viciously. These whispers are lies. The freshman class as a whole has been inundated with rumors of goings-on that come nowhere close to approximating the truth. Yet though the public views “freshman hazing” today as an outmoded and completely inhumane act, I am confident that were conditions to be regulated, freshman beatings would prove to be beneficial.
The overwhelming opinion of seniors in [my school] is that freshmen beating is an institution in great need of continuation. In a survey seniors participated in, twenty-one people were in favor of freshmen abuse. One was undecided. None were against. When these results are shown mathematically, that data translates to a ninety-five percent approval rating. President Bush currently maintains a forty-nine percent approval rating. Now, let us examine these findings. President Bush has controlled the United States, despite the concerns of U.S. citizens and people worldwide on some issues. Seniors haven’t inflicted any widespread violence among freshmen any time in recent memory. Bush has acted, with a forty-nine percent approval rating; seniors remain stagnant, with a ninety-five percent approval rating among possible participants.
Now, while the average upperclassmen inspecting this evidence would agree with the findings, and not find anything amiss with the data, most would wonder where this animosity came from. It doesn’t derive from sheer malice, this is certain. Through an examination of evidence, I shall demonstrate why the freshmen class deserves the fate so many wish them to have. The first, but not the most important, bit of evidence is based upon the famous George Leigh Mallory quote: “Because [they’re] there.” We as seniors are taller and larger, and can afford to take more risks in our last year at school. This provides a minor impetus, but no real motive.
The dominating cause of seniors’ enmity can be displayed using anecdotal evidence of freshmen behavior. This winter, I decided to read a book outside while it snowed; in order to protect the book from the snowfall, I hunched my coat up over my head. While I was thus incapacitated, a snowball hit me in the leg. I burrowed out of my makeshift lair, but saw no friends of mine who might have been playing a prank. I saw only a freshman throwing snowballs. Another factor leading to the general disdain of the freshman class is the dress and style they affect. Many freshmen this year belong to a group known as the “Goths”, traditionally recognized for smoking, wearing black clothes and heavy make-up, and being enamored of dark motifs. This in itself, while disconcerting, isn’t the problem. The problem is ignorance. One freshman girl was wearing a shirt with the band AFI’s name on it. My friend asked her if she knew what the letters stood for, to see if she was a fan of the band, and to initiate a conversation. The freshman didn’t know. Freshmen are becoming more and more ignorant and insolent. It is necessary to stop them, before more come built to their mold.
After all, the freshmen are coming. They come in droves. This year, in a rough figure according to Mr. Gasporini, we have 217 freshmen enrolled in JD. And we’re building larger facilities. The ramifications of this are obvious; more space equals more freshmen. If all of them are as insolent as they currently are, and their numbers continue to increase, seniors may lose their vaunted positions of authority and dominance soon. The freshmen need to be kept in line, for the good of everyone else. Beatings performed at regular but wide intervals will put fear into freshmen. And fear is one of the quickest avenues to respect.
Once again, alarm bells are ringing. Why, this is despicable! some are undoubtedly thinking. But no, this isn’t. The idea I am proposing is the farthest thing from inhumane. Imagine the freshmen class, and their increasingly intolerable behavior, as gangrene. Even in the modern era, with vast amounts of knowledge regarding human health, and the ability to administer intravenous antibiotics, amputation is still used to prevent gangrenous infection from spreading. This is the necessary course of action. Freshmen are a plague, and seniors are the surgeon’s saw.
The freshmen are becoming too sure of themselves, they are becoming blind to age-old boundaries even as they cross them. They are becoming a nuisance, an intolerable one. By administering regular beatings, the seniors can be certain to keep the freshmen on the right side of the social boundary. Herein is a situation analogous to the spread of gangrene. If seniors maintain their complacency, things will only get worse, much like the festering of an appendage. So seniors must make a choice; if minor action is not taken now, then drastic action must be taken later.

I haven't written stories in forever, feels like my fingers are atrophying. So I submit an English assignment I technically didn't even do. Eh. I hope you like it, please comment.



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Comments

The following comments are for "Freshman Beatings: An Unfounded Rumor in Desperate Need of Becoming a Reality"
by Washer

Fish!Fish!Fish!
Sorry to say it, Washer, but it sounds like an english assignment. It's well done, certainly, but it rambled a bit and was difficult to follow and drew analogies that were slightly less amusing than hard to understand. I know the atrophy feeling, so I don't think this reflects much on you at all. It has the humor but not the style. But it isn't bad.

And for the record, at my highschool we gave the freshman hell. Not physically, but mentally, and only if they deserved it. We were fair (except for the football team...but let's not go into that), but ruled with an iron fist of apathy!

Well, that's enough of that, good to see you submit again.

-Kitten

( Posted by: Kitten Courna [Member] On: April 14, 2004 )

Oh, is that my petard?
I have argued in the past against school-marmish adherence to structure and form in writing and in the grand tradition of hypocrites everywhere I'm about to contradict myself (Do I contradict myself? Very well then I do. I am vast, I contain multitudes - Walt Whitman)

In something this text heavy it is important, not to mention merciful, to break it into paragraphs or something less resembling a brick wall.

The truth is that I only managed to make it halfway through before giving up (though you can't truly be blamed for my laziness). What I read seemed pretty decent.

Break it up into more bite sized portions and I'll happily give it another go. Good to see you back.

May you never thirst

Bliss

( Posted by: Enforced Bliss [Member] On: April 15, 2004 )

Blunt Objects
Thanks for the reviews, EB & Kitten.

I copied this direct from Word to the submit panel. I should have added spaces between paragraphs, and reviewed it for anecdotes and evidence that wouldn't have made sense to an outside observer - I apologize. In truth, I am proud of this piece, and it earned a chuckle or two from my friends, but even I have noticed glaring errors. The one that's most obvious to me, and that I'm glad no one deigned to point out, is the thesis statement. I say beatings should be regulated, but rather than even mentioning regulations or restrictions until practically the last sentence, I merely provide evidence for beating. Eh, such is life. I hope you enjoyed the piece.

( Posted by: Washer [Member] On: April 17, 2004 )

death to the dumbass
first of all id like to say that yes, i am a fish, but i totally agree with washer. i belive that most freshman need to get the shit beat out of them for the shit they do. i do excatly what washer does.example:this one chick said" u cant talk about the cuz u donht know them(the dicussion was about AC/DC). i was like WTF!?! this comeing from a freshman who just started being "punk" this year and started like rock. so i asked her what the names of the band members were. she didn't know. i ask her for one name. she didn't know. ignorance is the word. if there gunna say something like that the should be able to back it up.

i think if you scared them they would be such smartasses and thinking there the shit. a plan needs to go into affect to fix this.

( Posted by: spitefulirony [Member] On: April 18, 2004 )

freshman
it does sound like an englisdh paper but is solid and gets its point across. true it did trail off a couple parts but i could relate to the situations so i thought it was good.

first of all id like to say that yes, i am a fish, but i totally agree with washer. i belive that most freshman need to get beat up for the things they do. i do what washer did.example:this one chick said" u cant talk about the cuz u donht know them(the dicussion was about AC/DC). i was like WTF!?! this comeing from a freshman who just started being "punk" this year and started like rock. so i asked her what the names of the band members were. she didn't know. i ask her for one name. she didn't know. ignorance is the word. if there gunna say something like that the should be able to back it up.

i think if you scared them they would stop thinking there all that. a plan needs to go into affect to fix this.

( Posted by: spitefulirony [Member] On: April 18, 2004 )





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