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10johnb79
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2004-02-25

i was there for you through those dark days
and endless nights of tears
i held you tight as you confessed
your pain from all the years

i always did my best for you
someone you could rely on
and not once, did my shoulder ever waver
when you needed one to cry on

when you left without saying goodbye
i was there for you still
and after those times you almost died
from taking all those pills

i was there for you through all the cuts
and the alcohol
but were you ever really there
did you even care at all?

so why aren't you here for me now
when i need you more than ever
leaving me to die alone
broken, discarded, severed

i see all those razor blades
and bottles you've left behind
i pick them up with empty hands
now i've made them mine

------
of all misfortune, the worst kind of fate is to have been happy.
-boethius


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Comments

The following comments are for "discarded"
by ochimusha

with empty hands
That's my favorite line from this... picking up with empty hands. Very good, very evocative.

I have a few small quibbles. The "ever" in "ever waver" in the seventh line strikes me as unnecessary and hampers the tight rythm you've got going. Also, in the sixteenth line "so why aren't you here for me now" might read better and hit with more impact if it was written out "so why aren't you right here now?"

And the most quibbly, niggling wish of all... I wish you had named an intangible instead of bottles in your final stanza. Perhaps (sighs) or rivers....

But this is good, as is, right here now. I like it alot. Kudos.

( Posted by: hazelfaern [Member] On: April 11, 2004 )

bottles you've left behind
"i see all those razor blades
and bottles you've left behind
i pick them up with empty hands
now i've made them mine"
Bang! This is a great ending. I especially like the ‘bottles’ and ‘empty hands’ lines. I currently have a personal aversion to razors, but that’s just me. I'd like to see some more figurative/representational language (like the empty hands and the picking up of old bottles representing the depression that has fallen) earlier in the piece though. Here's a trick I've picked up - if there's a place or word in the piece that sounds sort of worn... no offense, but for example "and not once, did my shoulder ever waver/when you needed one to cry on" - the shoulder to cry on image is used fairly often, you know? Anyways, you know how to free write, right? Take a starting place and just write down what ever comes into your head? Well, the idea is to free write starting with 'shoulder to cry on' perhaps: shoulder, flesh, love, comfort, stone, rest your head, granite, unmoving, solid, cry tears, rain, erode... You get the idea (that's just how I free write, other people may do it differently).
From this, I can pull perhaps something about "I stood solid, my shoulder being granite, which your tears could not erode" And while still keeping that shoulder to cry on image, it gives it a slightly different slant, you know?
Anyways, it’s just a suggestion. Try it, you might like it. ;)

( Posted by: skytigress [Member] On: June 26, 2004 )

written the way you intended
I am a believer in your work. While I will admit the above comments are somewhat valid. I also see in those critiques that what they suggested doesn't really fit your pen. I think you have a great way of building up a poem and then at the climax you hit where it can be felt. The physical equivalent of totally enjoying really amazing "love making" and then saying "I love you" (to the stranger next to you in bed). They lay there next to you and wonder about what you just said, even long after you've gotten up, showered and gone home. Make sense? This alone is unique to you and you do it well. Why go on and on and elaborate the theme when you have such a great way of using emotional innuendo to explain the deepest emotions? It's kind of coy but also equal parts rare and true talent.

While I agree that alot of lines are used in cliche' (Not in your work specifically), I also feel that they can make a poem familiar so that a non-poet or a new-to-poetry reader feel like they can relate, if not just to that one cliche'. As long as there is boo-coo originality around, under, and above there is no crime against using a cliche'.

So that's it. Just wanted you to know I really dig your vibe and I would never critisize any of your work or change one bit of it. It's original, it's real, and it's moving. Thank you

( Posted by: johnb79 [Member] On: October 24, 2005 )





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