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They say that night is the hardest time
But day can be just as bad
Seeing the beauty in our old town
Just reminds why i'm so sad
There's our wall, and our parking garage
And the place you used to sleep
You're gone, but certainly not forgotten
But i cannot let myself weep

I walk the streets in the blinding sun
New clothes, new hair, hollow smile
As i dream of the life we nearly had
And say goodbye to another mile
I lie in bed and count the seconds
Because i've run out of sheep
The emptiness of our room overwhelms me
But i cannot let myself weep

Emotions have become my downfall
And i've become yours somehow
You've left me on the stage alone
So i take my final bow
Keep busy every second i'm awake
'Cause i simply refuse to weep
But there's hours to go before i can sleep
Hours to go, before i can sleep

April 10, 2004
For life
Evening matchbox


The following comments are for "Beauty of Night"
by E.G. Evans

Say Goodbye
I heartily concur with Jess. It took me a few lines to fall into the rythm of your poem, but when I did, I fell hard.

A few niggly points. I'd change "but certainly not forgotten" to "though certainly not forgotten" so that the following line "but I cannot let myself weep" resounds more firmly.

And your final lines -- "and hours to go before I can sleep" the "can" strikes me as necessary (also mars the quote which is apt, clever and perfect). You probably do need one extra word in the final line -- why not "Yes, hours to go before I sleep"

This poem brought up the idea of so many songs -- "How I Wish It Would Rain" being the easiest. Also, Bruce Springsteen in his better more lyric-focused work and Sting, likewise in his.

This is a really good piece. Hang onto it.

( Posted by: hazelfaern [Member] On: April 10, 2004 )

Before i sleep
Jessicanm, thank you once again for being one of my few loyal readers. You ave become the Silent Bob to my Jason Mewes. I can write just fine on my own, but i's just not quite the same without a comment from you.

hazelfaern: I understand what you mean about the rhythm, and i knew that was gonna come up. This is the first poem i've written in about 4 years and it was kinda a stream of consciousness sort of thing. I wrote it as i walking the college campus where i met my ex, and thoughts just happened to come to me in couplets and i remembered enough of them when i got home to try to organize them.

The closing lines do not hold as true if i remove "can" from them for reasons too boring to discuss, but you are probably right, for stylistic purposes, i might consider getting rid of them. (Great eye and good memory, by the way. Although they were 100% true to me, those lines were a direct reference to that great poem.)

Again, thank you both.

( Posted by: E.G. Evans [Member] On: April 13, 2004 )

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