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I wish I could be your candle at night
with your warm touch you would light me up
there would be no fear because of the night

but you want to remain perfectly dark

How can I call you? A friend or a foe?
The love of my life? A fantasy drow?
Through darkness I come, on dark wings I fly
I bring you the light

Please don't let me die.

Keep those matches with you
they remain so silent
but in touch with sulfur
they begin to burn

like the dreams we used to
talk about together,
we could make it happen,
feather after feather
I am getting old,
like all the ideas
I used to make smile
that your face could hold.

So I will be the candle of that, what remained.
Of some faith inside the heart that's been trained
to survive the pain, to fight for your love,
to become a man,

black raven or dove...

------
G.R.


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Comments

The following comments are for "candle"
by Nightraven

Not In My Dictionary
Drow, that is. I'm curious -- is this a very, very old word? Or did you just make it up? If so, why? There are ever many things that rhyme with oh (foe, go, low, no, row, tow, shadow, fallow... you get my drift)

And the repetition of "night" in the third line really irks me. It seems so unnecessary, a lapse of the poet's descriptive deftness. Why not use "flight" as in daylight's flight? You could say this somewhat fancifully, if you wish, using the name of an old god for sun... Appolo, perhaps. "Flight" would also reinforce your bird theme.

The line "Please don't let me die" resounds too, too melodramaticly. Ick. Why not use your candle theme, here? "Please don't let me snuff (or wink) out"

And there, again, where you have "all the ideas/ I used to make smile" why not glow? Trying to picture how ideas could smile detracts from your ideas, but glow works for all three images here... resonating shared dreams, remembered face, and pleased smile.

You're skirting a well-used ground, here (unrequited love... after the seasons, what other theme has been so sighed upon by poets?) I think with just a little sharpening, however, you could more than justify this re-hashing of soft similes and gently aching metaphors. I was quite captivated by your poem. It has such lovely bones. Kudos, then, on an absorbing vision neatly shared.

( Posted by: hazelfaern [Member] On: April 11, 2004 )

about a drow
Drow is a fantasy creature, a kind of elf, who lives underground, bad from nature. U are totally right. I should correct this anyway. It's quite poor, but I just needed some expression.

( Posted by: Nightraven [Member] On: April 11, 2004 )

Then Keep This Drow
Silly, just add an asterix to it's side with a related footnote at the bottom, Drow: and then exactly what you said above.

Perhaps I wasn't clear enough. This isn't poor just not quite finished (to my mind). That's why I said it has lovely bones -- whatever else, this is a memorable way of conveying an oft-told concept. I'd like to see what you can do with it above and beyond what lies on this page.

And please don't be discouraged -- I make niggly, wiggly, guibbly points on everything I read. It's just that if this form, poetry, is useful, joyful work to both you and I, then here is what I think. What say you?

( Posted by: hazelfaern [Member] On: April 11, 2004 )

agreed
I agree with you totally and I don't feel discouraged. I need some time to make some corrections to the text - especially now, when I am preparing to my maturity exam after the secondary school. Why don't you try my other texts? Thanks very much for your patience and kind attention. Lots Of Love.

( Posted by: nightraven [Member] On: April 11, 2004 )





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