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9Teflon

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rage flowing freely,
a dark blade shining in the night.
Now Iím back to hell.


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The following comments are for "angry haiku"
by DEMONeyesBLUE

Blade
DemoneyesBlue;
This is a nice Haiku, I enjoyed the read.

Blessings,

{{{Jeannie}}}

( Posted by: JEANNIE45 [Member] On: April 12, 2004 )

It is eight
Syllables in the second line, that is. And Jess is right, it should be seven. That's easily fixed of course -- you could simply drop the "A" from the middle line.

I liked this, though. It does resonate a bit, like a swing-blade or a scythe reaping your bright image. Kudos.

( Posted by: hazelfaern [Member] On: April 12, 2004 )

ditto
ditto to what hazel wrote...drop that 'a' in the second line and we've got a winner...great work
Reba

( Posted by: Reba [Member] On: April 13, 2004 )

Nocturnal Knives
You could also change "shining" to "shines", that would work too and I think it preferable to omitting the "a".

All in all, not bad.

Bliss

( Posted by: Enforced Bliss [Member] On: April 14, 2004 )





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