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Last empty, virtual and rainy
Impossibly relieving day
And shady curious saying ‘good bye’
And coffee at your sight
Awaking steam and shaking fingers
That try to warm your morning eye,
To hide the tender gone with night



NB: this poem was originally written in Russian. Thus I'll appreciate your comments and suggestions to improve the language if necessary.

------
Sua sponte,
O.


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Comments

The following comments are for "- morning coffee -"
by City

morning coffee
Perhaps it is a matter of translation but I was a little confused by what you meant by "virtual" in the first line?

Also the line "and coffee at your sight"?

I'd be interested in hearing the story behind this work, or perhaps the intended impression?

There is a kind of beauty, here -- it's most likely a simple choice of words which keeps this poem from reading as phenomenal.

( Posted by: hazelfaern [Member] On: March 30, 2004 )

right...
Thank you for the review, Hazelfaern

You are right, there is always a compromise - to save original structure and meaning, and to make it sound good in a second language. Here is one more try:

Last empty, transparent and rainy,
releaving impossible day,
and cloudy sound of saying
"good buy"... A cup of coffee to take.
Its steam is awaking me, fingers
are shaking, I close my eyes
to hide disappearing tenderness
that's gone in the wake of the night.

Pretty close, but different now :)
What do you say?

( Posted by: City [Member] On: March 30, 2004 )

Lovely, City
Just a few quibbles.

-- "good buy" should be "good bye" (buy is to purchase, so good buy would be a shopper's bargain)

-- "awaking" should be "awakening" or "waking" (I like how waking coincides with shaking)

I wonder if you might not use a metaphor to wrap up your poem -- what if you had that sense of tenderness flee with the late dew? This would contrast nicely with the sense of waking over your cup of coffee, and underline your sense of fragile things slowly fading (sleepiness, good byes, last morning, etc)

I do very much like what you're doing here. Very pretty. I'll be looking out for more of your entries. :)

( Posted by: hazelfaern [Member] On: March 30, 2004 )

appreciate it~
Hazelfaern, thank you very much for your comments! it makes me think, and ... it looks like I ahould redo this piece instead of trying to "polish" the translation...
there is a new morning to sing about ;))

I'll work on it and post the new poem later!

PS: "buy" ! shame on me

( Posted by: City [Member] On: March 30, 2004 )





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