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9CaptainKeyboard
9JEANNIE45
9Reba

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_Twilight Shadows_

Shadows from the roadside railings ripple over me,
like a herd of zebra stampeding silently across my chest,
fleeing the approaching headlights as they would a lion.

The lights pick out every detail of the road:
the predator's gaze, hunting out shadows to destroy,
and with a predator's growl behind them.

The car passes with its accustomed roar, and the shadows change:
the zebras dart away and the herd regroups;
just as the next pair of hungry eyes approaches.


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Spudley Strikes Again
www.BadPuns.com
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The following comments are for "Twilight Shadows"
by Spudley

SPUD*
One of my favorite and honest Author's here at Lit.org.

This is a great poem, I enjoyed it alot. "Twililight Shadows" great title.

Blessings,

{{{Jeannie}}}

( Posted by: JEANNIE45 [Member] On: March 29, 2004 )

rippling spuds
You've got such a killer opening line, here. I liked it so well I had to read it twice before moving on to the second. Yet, I was a little dissapointed with what follows -- particularily the last line of the second stanza (perhaps because you repeat "predator" -- but not just that. Something there screams I could be written with more zing!)

I'm going to nit-pick and say that changing what the roadside railings shadows ripple over (mmmm, yummy alliteration) would help the poem and re-inforce your zebra image (after all, aren't those zebras outside your car?)

You've got a really good theme going and some great lines. I simply think you could forge this into a knock-out as opposed to an effective poetic punch.

( Posted by: hazelfaern [Member] On: March 29, 2004 )

zebras and cars
I agree with hazel on that first stanza...a knock out...it makes it a worth while read...at first I thought you were refering to railroad tracks...but for me it was the last stanza that I had a little trouble with...well not actually trouble, but it felt like it lacked a bit when comparing it to the first 2 stanzas...but I don't feel it was enough to take from the poem...great work !
Reba

( Posted by: Reba [Member] On: March 30, 2004 )

That first line echos through my thoughts.
The three r's together, they simmer and shine! Man for the life of me, I long for the next sentence to ring that way, but I am sure that is not what you wanted to do.

I think the second stanza is good, but the last line - predator's growl. Aren't we talking shadow play here?

Good. Do you illustrate your poems? This would make a incredible b/w line drawing.

( Posted by: CaptainKeyboard [Member] On: April 1, 2004 )

Thank yous & replies
Thanks for the comments everyone. :) I'll have to work on the second and third stanzas, see if I can't get them up to the standard of the first.

This is a poem that's been running around in my head for a while, but it took me a few months to get it written down.

Now to reply to specific points...
Hazel - To answer you nit-pick: The scene is that I'm walking down the road, so that's why the oncoming cars are casting shadows over me. :)
CK - The growl is the car's engine, but you're right; I think maybe I over-did the sound effects.
Illustrations: hehe, no; my artistic abilities fall way short of that. Interesting idea, though.

Thanks again all. :)

( Posted by: Spudley [Member] On: April 2, 2004 )





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