Part of me doesn't want to do this. Part of me feels as though this is breaking a golden rule. But i just can't help it. I want you all to love me, and that means you have to get to know me. And since i don't see myself as being important enough to be on EXPOSED! at lit.org, i figured i should do it myself, if for no other reason than to show why i think i deserve this column and to satisify the curiousity o my fans...all one of them.
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Okay, first off, let me say that i have lied to you all. I'm not sure if i ever outright said my age or just insinuated it, my real age is about 21. (I'm a month away) I was born on April 15, 1983. I was born near Chicago to a 16 year old mother and an 18 year old father. My mother and i moved to California but soon moved in with my father in Boston. They got married, then she died. I was 6 years old, and this is when i first discovered that my bloodline was cursed.
My father and i moved back to East Chicago, which is in Indiana. We tried moving in with his parents, then moved back out after only an hour. We lived with my mother's parents, and my dad started drinking. He basically was drunk for 9 years straight, starting in 1989 and ending in 1998. He also beat me severely for about 11 years, starting in 1980 and ending in 2001. Truth be told, this i where a great deal of my personality comes from, including my love of music.
You see, i truly discovered music when i was about 13. My father got yet another woman pregnant when i was 10, and although he never hurt the baby, he never really got along with my step-mother as well, it was a marriage that never should have happened and should not have lasted 6 years, let alone produced another child 3 years later. Anyway, he beat me a little less once they got married, but only because he had 2 people to beat now. And yet somehow, every time they argued, at least according to my step-mom, it was my father and i against her and "her" son,even when i didn't know there was a fight going on. Needless to say i spent a lot of time in my room, but i never had a tv in my room, and although i was a very avid reader, sometimes i just needed needed something to drown all of that out. I soon found myself immersed in U2, Pearl Jam, and first true love: matchbox20.
Like many teenagers, i also had my fair share of brief high school romances, leading to painful breakups. I started writing when i was about 13, but my first real song was written in a whorlwind session in Geometry class in June of 1998. It was here that i discover a second passion. In November i bought a cheap, piece of shit Squier Stratocaster, and shortly after i bought a Peavey amp. I was briefly in a band, but in my parents evelasting denial, we tried moving to another city and tried starting over shortly after my father had an accident with a circular saw that forced him into detox. We all figured, "He not really like this, he's just an alcoholic. Now he's clean and he should be fine. Let's just move away, start over, and have a good life." Of course it turned out that it wasn't the booze, my father was just an asshole. So i soon found my writing style: bad women and bad childhood. Cliché, i know, but it works for me. At least according to my one fan. My proudest moment, however, is what i consider my personal theme song and my first real song, "The Stage", which i wrote in December of 1999, a song about what my life has been since i was 6. It is also how this column got it's name. It was also during this time that i learned one of the other keys to what will be my eventually sanity: Humour. I survive things through my sense of humour. If i can't joke about something, that's when i know it truly is a lost cause.
So i move down to college. For the first time in my life, i am allowed to express emotions without getting punched for them. So, i kinda lost control. I became manic-depressive, and i flunked out of college. As punishment for this, my father threatened to kill me. That was the final straw. I went to the Delaware county courthouse and filed for a restraining order against him in January of 2002. I haven't talked to him since. And i couldn't be happier about it.
So there's never an end to my sources of writing material. I'm very happy with my writing ability now, especially now that i've discovered i'm at least a competent nonfiction writer. For those of you interested, i'm also in the long process of recording my album. Life never really slows down for me. It seems like one struggle after another. But at least for once, it's my struggle. And if it's my struggle, maybe i can finally fix it. Maybe i can finally make the life i've always wanted and be the person i've always wanted.
So there you have. The explination for why i write like i do. My mysterious, somewhat successful blend of rage, comedy, and semantic distortion. Lewis Black meets Jack Black meets Back in Black. Maybe. Maybe not. Probably not.....Fuck no. But i can dream, can't i? And that's what it comes down to. For the first time in my life, i can dream.