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Could you spare a minute of your time? I won't take long. Just need a shoulder to cry on, for a bit. I'm good at putting it all into a nutshell, and getting myself back on track. It's just that there has been so much lately and I need to let go, of some of the pain. I have been carrying a big load on my shoulders and I'm not sure how all of this is going to work out...but then I am never sure how anything is going to turn out. I just know that it always does. Eventually. So if you don't mind, here is what I have on my chest...

I had a husband once,and children. Beautiful children. We had a beautiful house, and were living the American Dream. On the outside. I loved my husband, with my whole heart and being, but he had a tendency to drink. And when he drank, he would get mean. Sound familiar? At night, when he was mean (he never drank before five in the evening, except for the weekends, which weren't counted as regular days, so the games could begin at any time), I would just determine to get through it, and not say anything stupid, to really set him off. Unfortunately, sometimes I just couldn't keep my big mouth shut, and then the argument, or discussion would escalate to nightmarish proportions. He always had to have these innane "discussions", which made no sense and trying to make them make sense was insane. But I would try very hard to just get through it with a smile, and pretend that everything was "okay". I would do everything, from tuning him out(sometimes, that alone would trigger the situation); to leaving the room (he would follow me). He knew me well, and knew my buttons. And there were just some ludicrous statements, that I found impossible to let slide by, and pretend that they were even remotely related to anything resembling the truth (is that my Irish, I wonder). I try very hard, but I have little patience with fools. Looking back, I think he would have done much better, with someone, either very stupid, or very dead. Though, I feared the latter, might be my fate, if I didn't learn to keep my mouth shut. But I never did. And, I don't think I ever would have. And then one day, I decided that it just wasn't worth living that way. Life is insane enough, without complicating it with this kind of dysfunction. But making that decision was probably the hardest thing I have ever done. It didn't make me stop loving him, and it hurt my beautiful children, because they were young and they didn't realize or understand why I couldn't live with their Daddy anymore. And he didn't understand. He still doesn't.

I miss him and I love him. I probably always will. But I am alive and I do not find myself trapped in the same room or even the same house, with his maniacal ranting,vicious verbal assaults, or potential physical violence, anymore. He was very angry with me, for a long time, but I think he is getting over it. He calls me from time to time, to remind me, that he loves, and misses me, still. And that makes me sad, because it was a love that should have worked. Because you see, he loved me with all of his heart and being too. I know that I was and am the love of his life. And that is the tragedy.

Anyway, I am feeling better, I guess. It is just that every so often, I get really weighed down, going over it all, in my mind again. Beating myself up, over it. Time heals, I suppose, but it is hard...however, I am sure it will all work out. Eventually.

------
Sharon Vaughan



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